Do I dare to tell all my secrets to the inter webs?

 No. I am trying to figure out how this thing works on my phone though. Seeing as how no one will read this but me it might be an okay place to journal. But I don’t like how it’s coming out on my phone. 

Forever and a day

I really know that no one reads this but the therapist and I were discussing journaling the other day and I mentioned this blog and thought I might check in with the internet. Since I was here, I have moved four times and am currently living in an absolutely adorable cabin in the woods on Bainbridge. I am ten minutes from work.  I have become a full time postal clerk and it looks like I will get a permanent bid at Bainbridge within the next few weeks.

I am clearly still in therapy, less often but still going. Still have rough patches, but doing better.

I have 2 cats that I love and adore! They are currently sleeping on my lap.

Health wise everything seems to be in check. Migraines still happen but if the normal meds don’t work, my neurologist has discovered that a nerve block does. Shoulder finally got fixed with a second surgery in December of 2016. I have also had my gallbladder removed. Blood pressure is good and so is blood sugar.

Scary and warm

I sometimes find myself wanting to blog, then questioning the wisdom of throwing everything out there on the Internet.

Over the last week or so I had a mild cancer scare. I knew it was a small chance, but with my family's history, any chance scared the crap out of me. Told a few close peeps, who kept telling me "It's not a tumah!"  But honestly having to go through the testing and wait for the results and everything has been no fun. My doctor reassured me that my risks were low, and is in fact the person who told me this morning that it is NOT cancer. (Thanks Doc!) even though it wasn't him who ordered the tests, I knew the results were in my chart, so I may have asked him to look for me. I've been really stressed. And if nothing else, this is a huge relief.

I might still need to have surgery. This I can deal with. I can't deal with cancer right now. I've lost too many people to it and I just can't right now.

In the midst of that, and my blood pressure freaking out, and getting acute bronchitis, and having my asthma flare up, and my ovaries act up, I apparently traumatized one of my larger toenails and it is in the process of replacing itself. The old one is going to fall off and I will have a new baby one underneath. But my shoulder is doing pretty good. I am thankful for that.

My mental health is doing pretty good. Even through the super stressful weeks I've been having, I haven't felt hopeless or out of control, so we'll give points to therapy and good meds.

We are in the middle of a crazy heat wave up here. They've banned consumer fireworks due to the historical dryness and high fire danger, but so far are allowing the municipal display planned over the harbor.

I really like making little treats for holidays. One of the things I miss about being up here is that I don't have my huge group of friends to gather for random parties just because it's Harry Potter's birthday or Star Wars Day or something like that. I did make firecracker treats out of lifesavers mints for my support team. I was told I was a "very  thoughtful, kind person" by one of them, "Awesome  as always" and "incredibly crafty" these are the professionals that keep me going folks. I love them all. Only two of them had to ask what they were LOL

This is pretty disjointed, but it is warm and I've been up since three am and I really need a nap. If someone has a walk in AC unit I could borrow to sleep in, that would be great.

Ramblings of a rumbling tummy

Thankfully, I am feeling better. Stopping all the blood pressure pills seems to have done the trick. We will need to decide when to restart taking them, but my doctor said he would rather my blood pressure be a little in the high side for a couple days than as low as it was.

I am excited to be starting grad school. This is good because it may be the only thing I can muster any excitement about right now. The main reason I am excited? It gives me some hope of escaping my current hell.

I am harboring both a severe case of wanderlust and a severe case of homesickness. I want to take a month and just escape on an adventure by myself. (I don't know if I am that brave) and I really want to go home. Along with seeing everyone I have a food wish list that needs to be consumed.
El Pollo Inka
El Burrito Jr
Empanadas
Woodstocks Pizza
Hot Dog On a Stick (apparently no one up here has heard of cheese sticks?!)
BusyBee
And so much more....

But I do have to admit, I have found some things food wise I like and may prefer in Washington.
(I think I must be hungry! Since my blogging has turned to food)
Richie's Burger Urge in Poulsbo, WA better than InN Out but they need to work on their fries
Teriyaki Town on Bainbridge Island, really good Teriyaki mmmmmm
I really like the frozen yogurt shops up here. island Cool on Bainbridge and Bluberry in Silverdale
Wok on Fire in Silverdale for Mongolian BbQ
There's a pretty good pizza place on Bainbridge called Treehouse Cafe, but they are super spendy. They have a really good sausage and olive pizza if you like pizza that makes your lips numb though.

It is beautiful here. I don't hate Washington at all. I have made great friends, I think I am just longing for days when things were simpler.

Wilting?

I had surgery. I am totally okay with surgery now. At least minor stuff. Recovery wasn't fun, but I felt so much better so quickly, and it really is interesting having the time disappear. Shoulder is good. I have almost 360 degree mobility strength is returning. I am able to do some work.  The Doctor's Clinic takes pretty good care of me.

Well, I may have solved a mystery I didn't even know was a mystery. My grandmother had one of the most finicky stomachs in the history of the world. She would like a food one day, then not like it the next. It would drive me absolutely bonkers. I couldn't understand it. Until last week....

About a month ago, I met with a psychiatric practitioner to help get a concrete diagnosis to all of the mental baloney that has been going on. We get a diagnosis, we get a pill, everything is hunky dory. Two weeks later, I get a call from her office letting me know that my pharmacy notified them of a possible interaction between the pill she prescribed and my birth control (for my PCOS) since I am not actually using the birth control to control birth I figure NBD but discuss it with my doctor who adds an additional drug that's known to help people with PCOS. I recognize it as a blood pressure pill that my grandmother took and we discuss precautions and all the fun stuff that comes with taking multiple blood pressure pills and what forth. Fast forward to the last week or so, I can barely function. I have no appetite, all I want to do is sleep, food will sound good one minute and foul the next, and I say absolutely not. I actually almost passed out yesterday. So I made an appointment to see my doctor today. I accused him of trying to kill me. He told me I looked like I was wilting before his eyes. And told me I looked like my roots needed watering. We discussed lowering the dosage to lowest possible levels but apparently I looked so miserable we decided to back me completely off the pills until I rediscover what feeling good feels like. and then we'll reassess a lower dosage or another angle or something.

So, I have decided my grandmothers stomach issues may have been influenced by her horrid blood pressure pill.

One the note of psychiatric diagnosis and stuff, it is better than it could be but not exactly fun. The pill does seem to be helping a lot. I have a lot of history I need to work through. Differentiating psychological trauma, psychiatric illness, and just plain emotions, is an interesting journey for me. I have a good support team in place.  I have a couple or three large life hurdles coming up and it will be interesting to see how I handle them with the knowledge I now have and a support team.

I appreciate every note of encouragement and support I get from everyone.

It's time for me to go back to napping.

turkey love

Not going to make the blog private as no one reads it anyhow. Short update: I've moved in with a friend due to my inability to pay rent with the meager income I am making every month. She is awesome and a total lifesaver.

I've been keeping up with my therapy. And in one semblance of good news, I have managed to score an appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Wednesday. Hopefully this will help us pinpoint what exactly is the best course to take and what my actual diagnosis is. There are a few ideas being bounced around and while I am not overly thrilled by the idea that I have a psychiatric issue that needs diagnosis, I keep telling myself what my doctor says: this is an illness just like diabetes or asthma, we just need to find the best course of treatment. He also tells me all of the predictable things that you tell people with depression issues. Sometimes, it even helps.

Also, it has been decided that surgery is the way to go for the shoulder and although I am not looking forward to surgery, I am looking forward to being able to work again... Oh and not having my shoulder hurt near constantly would be great too :/ Apparently my surgeon sounds like Barry Kripke from The Big Bang Theory.  My friend pointed this out when she went with me to my appointment, and told me when I start panicking to picture my surgeon saying "Shewldon Cooopah" and I have to admit that it helps me relax at least a little bit, so I am running with it. As soon as OWCP approves the procedure I will be scheduled. I greatly dislike the fact that I don't know when this will be yet.

My turkey still loves me! She will still let me hold her and will even nap on my lap. I have to admit, even though she isn't technically mine, I do love her. Turkeys are not the smartest creatures, but they are way less crazy than the chickens, and they run like tiny dinosaurs. I have always been a way bigger fan of chickens than turkeys. Eric is surprised I like the turkeys at all, let alone hold one and let it sleep on me because my fear of wild turkeys is well known by people who have been around me when turkeys are near. True Story: I may like the turkeys better than the chickens. This is a crazy thought, but the chickens can be jerks and are very flighty. Only one of the chickens will even let me pet it, and only once or twice before she runs off. But the chickens will eat grass from my hand, which is always fun. The turkeys will too, but I don't think their eyesight is very good because they don't go for the blade of grass, they try to get my fingers and while getting pecked doesn't usually hurt, I have learned to use bigger pieces of grass so the turkeys can actually see what they are going for.

The coloring for stress relief recommended by my therapist seems to be helping. I have an awesome Day of the Dead coloring book that I have been working my way through, and a Mandala one that looks like it will be fun as well. When I come back home and am super tense one of the first things I do is color. If you are stressed, get a coloring book! I have found it helpful, you might too.

Ish

So, as I would say, The ish got real. I am strongly contemplating making my blog only available to approved readers, because I do find this (blogging) is a good way to help me process things, but there are just some things I don't need available for the entire internet to know. I have to look at the process to make it private, and once I do I can add people to my approved reader list.

It has been an incredibly rough week.

And I am currently also facing having to give up my adorable apartment and move in with a friend, which does not help my mental state.  My friend is awesome. But I really like my little apartment.