It was a dark and stormy night...

It's been a while since I blogged. I wish I could say it has been because I was super busy, but that would not be super accurate.

Starting last Saturday, I had another mental health "episode". Pretty bad, and not fun at all. I talked to my therapist on Monday and we decided that I should probably not wait two weeks for another visit, so I go back Monday. (yesterday)

I felt horrible enough by Wednesday that I made an appointment with my doctor (the medical one) to discuss if any of the medications I was on were contributing to the funk. This was set for Friday morning. Shortly after I made my appointment for Friday, my favorite person informed me that he was feeling ill enough to go to the doctor himself, so back we go. We both go to the same clinic, although we don't necessarily see the same doctor. So we got him seen, they give him a prescription and send him home to recuperate. I, meanwhile finally after many weeks head over to my first physical therapy appointment. That goes fairly well, although I am told not to do anything that will inflame my shoulder even more. That gets finished and then I get everyone sorted and go to dinner with my friend. Thursday, I carry a route. My shoulder doesn't like this. Friday morning, I meet with my doctor, I ask about meds, he inquires why I am asking. I tell him and then I just bleurgh everything out at him. He asks a bajilliony questions, and decides that I may not get along with one of my meds. Because of the potential for cardiac side effects with this drug, an EKG gets ordered. My EKG is apparently good and I am told I can "take that one to the bank" We reduce the suspected med with the intention of eliminating it from my routine, but we have to step down gradually. We set up a plan and he informs me that between the advice of the physical therapist and with all of my stupid shoulder issues, it might be good to take a break from work, but that if they can provide me with light duty I can work. I just am not supposed to lift anything with the left arm, pending re-evaluation on Wednesday. We do all of the ridiculous paperwork for that to happen, and he sends me on my way.

We hope that with the removal of the problem drug, I will be less prone to the depressive episodes. They got scary bad this time. I was convinced by both my doctor and my therapist that I should share with someone what all was going on. Because he is my safe place, I of course told Eric. He responded perfectly and has been fantastically supportive. There are many reasons I love him, but his handling of this situation has reminded me of many that are easy to forget. I am supposed to reach out to people when I need help, and I have a list and an action plan if it gets really bad again. Hopefully, it is mostly the pill causing problems and they'll lessen as it works its way out of my system (could take up to a month for that to happen though)

My friends have been great at keeping me distracted, and I appreciate them greatly for this. I also appreciate all of my farther friends that have sent me notes or messages telling me that they are thinking of me and praying for me. They are much appreciated..

I went back to therapy yesterday, and we continued working on my issues. One problem that I have been having lately has been compulsively eating things I know I shouldn't. My therapist and I are discussing alternate behaviors to do when I feel the urge to stuff myself with cookies and so forth. My doctor actually said that he isn't as worried about the eating right now as he is other things. He said we know that I generally have good control over the eating and that I am able to control my blood sugar for the most part. And that will return once we get my brain chemicals balanced out again.

I go back for a reevaluation of my shoulder tomorrow, and then we'll find out if I go back to carrying mail, or give it another few weeks to heal. My next physical therapy is Friday. And one of my friends is supposed to stay with me Wednesday night and we are going to make chicken gloop for dinner (chicken, zucchini, stuffing, and a creamy sauce all cooked in the crock pot) Yum!

The results are in...

Thursday, I got the results of some of my labs back, I have to be honest, when I got the lab results notification, I was thinking it was my MRI results and then was really irritated, when I couldn't get the lab results notification to open on my phone, but then I received a "secure message from your provider" notification and I went ahead and opened it. Then he was responding to a message I sent him about having a low blood sugar reaction and he told me that it may be because my blood tests showed that  my blood sugars were lower overall, and that my response to the situation was appropriate and to keep him informed if the low blood sugar becomes common, so we can adjust meds.

Then I was confused because the last time I had lab stuff done it took way longer for him to get the results, so I didn't realize he had gotten my A1c test back already.

So, I went to my computer and logged onto my online chart and saw that my A1c  results were in. It dropped 4 points from the time of diagnosis. My cholesterol dropped 20 points as well. This is slightly miraculous considering the fact that I consume many bunless cheeseburgers.

Thursday morning I woke up and realized I couldn't raise my arm above my head. This doesn't work if you need to case mail, so I ended up calling out of work. I decided that if I couldn't do it again on Friday, I would go in to see my doctor. Having been to see him on Wednesday, I figured it was a bit ridiculous to have to go back so soon, but I don't let anything interfere with my ability to work. Friday morning, I woke up and called it, I was going back to the doctor. I made an appointment, got dressed and headed over. The nurse took one look at me and said, "What happened?! You were just here!" I told her and she expressed her sympathy, let me skip the scale since I was just there, and discovered my blood pressure was sky high. My blood pressure is usually a little higher when I go to the doctor, but this was a scary high number. We decided that it was probably high because of the amount of pain I was in.

After the doctor came in, we discussed my MRI results, and the results of my labs. He was super excited for my improved A1c test. A fact that I had gathered from his email, but was even more apparent in person. I told him that I HAD told him I was working really hard on it. He said, "I believed you, but this was even better than I expected." My MRI came back negative for a major rotator cuff tear, which means that I will be able to avoid surgery, and that we can approach my physical therapy with more vigor than if we had to be careful of further damage to a tear. I do have some bony tissue damage, some deep tissue bruising, and both tendinitis and bursitis. He said it was definitely the result of the accident, and I admitted that I was glad that I wasn't crazy.

My trip to the chiropractor apparently aggravated the tissue damage and that is why I had a sudden increase in pain. When I was hypothesizing the cause with Eric, he mentioned that I might just be too delicate for the chiropractic stuff right now. It looks like he was right. I have a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and am icing the area as often as is practical.

I worked on Saturday, and after that my friend and I went to her uncles' house for a special Valentine's dinner. My valentine has a huge project due at work that he is working on, and hopefully we'll get to get together soon, so I hung out with my friend. Her uncles made a delicious meal of chicken ciudad with rice and a spicy tomato relish with a super yummy cilantro cream. There was also a delicious Mexican chocolate mousse with a burnt rum yumminess involved. The table was beautiful and we were also gifted a small box of yummy chocolates. I adore her uncles and have volunteered to be their other niece hahaha. The afternoon truck driver at work left roses for all the ladies and so I also got a lovely rose.

Today was an Amazon day and I got paired with my homie, to split eight routes. I took all the small stuff and any city parcel I could lift. Tomorrow is more Amazon and therapy which I am looking forward to, and then Tuesday I am not working, even though I was scheduled because it is looking like a crazy busy day and I am "crippled" so I was offered an out. I took it. Day after holidays suck and I don't think the stress is worth the effort. I have my first physical therapy scheduled for Wednesday, I work Thursday, I am hoping to go on an adventure with my friend on Friday and then we shall see what happens from there.Both of my temporary roommates have either moved home, or will be tomorrow. It is nice to have the house to myself, but I do miss the crazy shenanigans we got up to. My one friend is planning on still crashing here on occasion so it will be fun.

Adventures in appointments and a carby day

Today started super early.

I started out with an early morning appointment for the long awaited MRI, which I had to drive to Silverdale for. I got to wear a lovely hospital gown and lock my belongings in a little room while I was shoved into a tube and told not to move. The MRI was both better and worse than I had feared. Being in the tube wasn't that bad, because it was open ended and I could see out the top and had air blowing on my face. This made it bearable. I was nervous when I was handed ear plugs and told that it would be loud. I really don't like loud noises, and was afraid that might be the one thing that made this torturous, but with the earplugs it wasn't that bad.

I do not know how they fit people larger than me in these machines. My doctor told me he had to have one a few years ago, and that due to his build (he is taller and larger than I am) he was definitely feeling squished while in there. There is apparently such a thing as an open MRI machine, but the closest one to us is either across the water or about an hour and a half away. Apparently I did really well at not moving because she was able to get all the films and get me out of there only fifteen minutes behind schedule, when they had me starting over 30 minutes late.

After that, I had to rush back to Bainbridge Island for a 9:30 appointment with my regular doctor. I wouldn't have been too rushed ordinarily, because 45 minutes should be enough time to get from Silverdale to Bainbridge at that time of day, except the Agate Pass bridge is down to one lane during daylight hours for bridge maintenance and painting. I still made it only a couple of minutes late though, and had enough time that no one was waiting on me. I gave my doctor and his assistant some valentine's I made for them and they both loved them. I was originally a little nervous that it would be weird to give them to them, but it worked out pretty well. The assistant told me I was awesome a lot and gave me a hug. My doctor told me he was going to share his candies with his assistant, and I informed him that she had her own, but he could still share if he wanted to. He really liked the magnet I made to go with the candies and told me his daughter was going to be so excited to see it. (I share a great love for unicorns with his small child LOL) I was thanked and told that they appreciate that I care and appreciate them, because so many people just don't seem to appreciate their care. I was also told that I am one of their favorite patients. And I told him that it's a good thing considering how often they see me. Hahaha.

The doctor's appointment revealed that I still have weakness with external rotation, and other than that and restarting PT, there isn't much to do until they get the results of my MRI. We discussed the low blood sugars I was having over the weekend and how to respond if they continue. It could have been a pharmacological interaction between a couple of my pills or a response to stress, but if they continue (not likely considering how I ate today 8/ ) I need to reduce one pill and test more frequently. We discussed how I was diagnosed with measles as a child but never had the chicken pox, so a test to check my immune response to varicella was ordered. If I am not immune, I will be getting a vaccination at my next visit. Chickenpox is not something you want to get as an adult. I have been vaccinated against measles, and since I theoretically have had them am immune as well. But with the current measles outbreak, wanted to discuss the possibility that my childhood doctor was crazy and misdiagnosed me.
Possible, but not likely. We discussed my realization of how my shoulder was broken a long time ago (and verifying that the break was in the location and type of injury that was consistent with my theory) and how I didn't have the best mental response to that realization. After verifying that I wasn't currently in danger of being harmed, and promising that I had discussed it with my therapist, he told me that it is probably better to "get that baggage unpacked" so it was better to know. I argued that I was blissfully ignorant, although I know that he is right in reality.

After my doctor's appointment I took myself out to breakfast at my favorite diner on the island. I had many carbs, and they were delicious. I had a pancake and it was super yummy. I did use the sugar free syrup. This diner has one that tastes really good but is pretty watery.

After breakfast, I had a chiropractor appointment. It went pretty smoothly, but is going to be a process apparently. :/ I was also bepatched with Salonpas and now smell like a wintergreen lifesaver.

After the chiro, I went back to my doctor's office where I retrieved some complicated pain in the butt paperwork that has to be filled out every time I  go in for a visit related to my shoulder. I also got my blood drawn (my A1c test, a basic metabolic panel, my cholesterol, and a test to see if I am immune to chickenpox were all taken) but the lovely vampire they have at the clinic uses a baby needle on me, and does a really good job. She also has a bright blue betta fish named Jimmy Fin-drix that she told me to talk to while she stuck the needle in. Can we tell I don't like needles?

After that was over, I headed over to work to turn in said obnoxious paperwork, and inform management of some upcoming appointments.

After a quick stop at work, I went to lunch with my favorite person on the planet, and I had a yummy burrito (yes more carbs than I should be eating, but super good) Then I took him home and went home to take a nap.

After the nap, one of my homies got back from work and we started laundry. After that we met the other homie at RedRobin for dinner. I had both a bun and fries, but ordered a burger that has fewer carbs than their full size ones.

We came home, and I finished typing this, but I have an early day tomorrow and am the only one of us working, so I need to go to bed.

word vomit

The last few days have been pretty good. I will admit, I have become unused to having multiple good days in a row, so this is a lovely change of pace.

On Monday, I didn't work and didn't really have anything I absolutely had to do, until therapy. I took myself out to lunch, got a small serving of FroYo as a treat, went to Dollar Tree, and then headed over to therapy. I knew it was going to be one of my less "fun" therapy sessions, although it didn't go quite as badly as I anticipated. We discussed general life stuff, how and why the results of my shoulder xray bothered me so much, my career frustrations and going back to grad school. I am clearly the most excited about the last part.

I've always been one to declare that I try not to have too many secrets, because if you are open about things, then people have less information they can use to hurt you. But, that being said, I still have things I HATE talking about. But I am sharing one of these things with my blog readers, a)to get it out of my system b)one less secret to worry about. Also, I pretty much have already told anyone who should hear this straight from me already.

My shoulder injury that happened a long time ago? Evidence of the year or so I spent living in an abusive household. There is a reason I have no tolerance towards abusers, and that's because I have been abused. I hate admitting it, and I hate even more that there is now some permanent mark of it on my body. Agreeably, it isn't one you can see easily, but the fact that I know it is there, was really messing with my head. I have a few long term mental scars from that time, but I am usually able to go about my business pretending it didn't happen. When the untreated shoulder break was discovered by an xray, it became something that I had to think about for a few days. I am trying to work on some of the mental scars in therapy, and that will help me cope with the fact that there is a physical mark on me.

I talked about it with my therapist, and we had a good conversation about how it made and makes me feel to this day. I love that I have a safe place to discuss stuff, that I don't really want to tell anyone that knows me in real life.

I did tell one of my very good friends and she has been incredibly supportive and understanding. I adore her, and am glad I found a good friend up here.

After therapy, I went to the chiropractor for the first time. My back hates my job. It frequently complains at me when I am casing, and I decided to actually go see a chiropractor about it. (It helps that my insurance covers up to ten visits a year)

I went to Eric's chiropractor and they were not only super helpful, but able to get me in same day.  I have been adjusted and go back on Friday to reassess the situation. Anything that helps at this point.

After that, Eric and I had a nice dinner together at the Mexican place by my house that has a diabetic friendly meal that I honestly really like. We also had a coupon. After I drove Eric home I had a few minutes where I was just super contented, and although I hate to admit it, I had forgotten what that feels like.

Yesterday, I worked on my assigned route, casing to finish all by myself and made my "back by dark" deadline. It wasn't a super heavy day, but I did it all by myself. After work, I made pesto cream papardelle with chicken for dinner. It was pretty amazing if I do say so myself. I had invited people over so I wouldn't be tempted to eat the whole meal by myself. After dinner my friend and I drove Eric home, then went to Walmart, where a futon was purchased, stuffed into a tiny Prius and dragged to my house. She built the futon with little more than some helpful hints from me (and much laughing because she doesn't have a lot of experience with building things IKEA style) and a few pointers from my friend staying with me. Then after a few hours of laughing and a finally completed futon, we all headed to our beds for sleep. It was an early morning for everyone in the house, with early doctor's appointments, and work for everyone here.

Before our early appointments, my friend and I went out to breakfast. I had all sorts of yummy things that I usually try to avoid, but apparently my blood sugar has been in a good place for a few days, or I may have hopefully found a system that works for me. I had pasta and candy last night and my blood sugar was good this morning. I had hashbrowns, toast, and a pancake this morning and I checked my blood sugar this afternoon and it is still within 10 points of this morning's reading. I ate other things at these meals, but those are the carby things I ate. I am liking the flexibility that having good readings is giving me.

My appointment went well, and so did my friends', it has been a process to get everything taken care of, but I think today has been extraordinarily helpful in moving in the right direction.

After appointment one I checked in with my boss who I told I would check on because there was a communication breakdown somewhere and he didn't know I was unavailable to work today until 6pm last night. But he found someone to cover the route, and all is well. After discovering that I didn't need to go to work, and before appointment number 2, we got coffee (Sugar Free Iced Vanilla Latte), made a trip to the grocery store where many packages of cookies were bought in an attempt to score some free milk (the Red Velvet Oreos are pretty good, but very sweet) visited my friend's uncle and his puglets, went to my friend's house where I got to meet her chickens, stopped for more coffee again at this little coffee shack that is delicious (I got a sugar free raspberry Italian Cream soda mmmm) and headed back to my house before all before the second appointment.

Now I am sitting in my freezing apartment (I caved and turned on the heater) talking with my friend who just came over, and that is it for today. I need to figure out dinner.

Ugh.

Today was pretty random.

I had an incredibly rough day yesterday, that route that I suck at? I sucked extra yesterday, and I am reasonably sure that I won't be carrying it again. While sad about the loss of hours, I can't pretend that the stress relief isn't worth having to be more careful with my money. I was already having a rough day(emotionally) before work, and then I thought I was doing pretty good, and then it went downhill so quickly. I actually knew fairly early in the day that I wasn't in a good place, and had already made plans with a friend to go out at night, so I canceled the plans, telling her I didn't want to inflict my bad mood on her, because it was neither fair nor polite to her. She, being the amazing friend she is, immediately made sure I was okay, and I told her what was bugging me (having friends you can tell anything to is important) and she told me not to worry about the plans, and when she was done working offered to bring me anything I needed, even though she would probably get lost trying to find me. I told her I'd be fine, and kept working. After the day from Hell was over, I had an interesting talk with my supervisor. He told me, I don't know what it is about you and this route, but it isn't working. I told him I had worked straight through the day (didn't even stop for a bathroom break or to eat and had literally been doing nothing but delivering mail all day. He said he believed me and he knows I am a hard worker, but something about this route just psyches me out. To his credit, he noticed something was off with me when I got back, and actually stopped me to make sure I was okay. I told him not really but it is what it is. Later, I thanked him for not being a jerk to me about the day. He might have been super justified if he had been, it was that bad of a day, but he wasn't and it was much appreciated. My friend checked on me later in the evening, and all I can say is I survived, but am still not thrilled about yesterday.

My friend who is staying with me was out for the evening, and I had warned him that I was super grouchy so I was going to head to bed early. Since he was out, I had the house to myself, which was nice because it enabled me to de-stress. I tried to go to Taco Bell for my standard long day don't want to cook dinner, only to be told they no longer have my Baja Blast in Diet. That was super frustrating to be sure. I ended up getting Burger King for dinner and then read for a while, talked to both my friend and my favorite person via text for a while and then headed to bed. When my homie got back for the evening, I was in bed and super unconscious, but when I woke up around 1 am, I noticed he had texted me asking if I was alive when he got back. I was alive, just asleep.

The alarms started going off at 5:30am though. And then it was time for Amazon Day. My friend who knew I was having a rough day the day before, surprised me with a sugar-free iced vanilla latte and a teddy bear this morning at work. It was very sweet of her. We also made plans to hang out this afternoon. After work, the three of us headed back to the house so homie could get ready for his superbowl party, and then my friend and I decided to go out to lunch, but that we had to head back to her house a few towns over first. So we went to her house, and I got to meet her puppies (dogs really) and one of them was a super sweetie. We went to Outback for lunch, and I got a burger (with the bun!) and had a salad as my side, it was a little carby, but not terrible. I had a small taste of my friend's cocktail, it tastes like a gummy bear, and as soon as I can drink again, we are going to have an evening of playing bartender. After lunch, we stopped at Walmart so I could pick up my prescriptions and after we walked around for a while we both picked out some fun purchases and then we headed home. She went home to take a nap and then I turned the game on. I recently have started actually watching football. I always thought it was boring, but the more I watch, the more I figure out, and then it is less boring.

I watched the end of the game and am now blogging, before I head to bed for the evening. Tomorrow, I have therapy, and to be perfectly honest, it is one of those sessions where I know it isn't going to be fun, but probably very needed. It has been a few days of things happening that make me very grateful I have my pills, even though I really don't want to take them, I know they are helping me.

My week as of now:
     Mon: Therapy and possibly dinner with my favorite person.
     Tue: Work my assigned route, Make pasta dinner for friends at my house.
     Wed: Two appointments,
     Thu: Work another route
     Fri: Not scheduled and actually have no plans as of yet. I might go on an
            adventure