Monday Mania

I am already ready for Spring Break to be over. I don't know exactly what I am going to do over the summer, but I have to do something to fill my hours.

It isn't even that I had a bad day. It was really good actually. I made Sarah's yummy dill dip and ate a lot of it. I watched Criminal Minds with Stacee for a while. I organied my bathroom turpperware that Jason and Collette got me. I don't know, I just really like school.

Tomorrow I am going to clean out my car and my room and go to work at 4ish.

And on Wed. I have work and then I get to go to church so that will fill many hours.

On Thursday I might get to go to school for a while to hang up posters for the Tournee French Film Festival being co-sponsored by the History Dept. That'll be fun.

Friday I will work most of the day, and then on Saturday I have my all day at UCI graduate fair thingy to go to. I am really excited but at the same time super nervous about that. I can't believe I am actually going to be in grad school in a little more than a year. That's crazy!

Sunday is always a good day with church and so forth and then on Monday I get to go back to school. Yay!

Lyrics man....

It is a good day to post some lyrics...

Do or Die by Dogwood

I killed the Son of God today.
I built the cross where He was slain.
My sins,
The hands that held the hammer that drove the nails through His skin.
Someday I win.
I want to make it up.
I want to die to myself for You.
It makes me fall apart,
When I think of all that You went through.
I owe my all to You. (I owe my all to You)

Chorus:
Because when it came to do or die.
You died for me,
Though I would be nothing perfect,
For human eyes to see.

My hands are Yours for works.
My eyes will seek until I've found You.
My legs will walk the earth,
Until You tell me my work is through.
I want to make it up,
I want to die to myself for You,
You are the one that I love,
I owe my all to you. (I owe my all to you)

(chorus)

I met the Son of God today,
He said "I forgive you for My pain",
He took my sin that held the hammer that drove the nails through His skin,
He said I win.

(chorus)

I'm a new creation through You,
Created for You by You.
So make me worth Your while,
Put me to use.




Stacey: I <3 Jesus!

Weekly Recap.....

I had an absolute blast on Easter. I hung out with people I love and all in all had an enjoyable day. And I want to put some pics up, but I think that'll have to wait until tomorrow. As you will soon see why...

Monday: Went to school, came home, worked on my Communist Manifesto Paper and Went to a rather fun get together, came home early from said get together, went to sleep.

Tuesday: Woke up, finished paper, went to school, met with professor re:paper, fixed paper, printed new paper, went to class, went to work, came home, went to sleep.

Wednesday: Woke up, went to school, had lunch with Ashley, went to work, agreed to work 2 hours the next morning, went home, went to sleep.

Thursday: Woke up, went to work so I could sell cds for Bill Harley, Went to class, went home, went with Sarah and Kasey to help at Helping Hands at church, went to Brittany's House, had fun, came home, went to sleep.

Friday: Woke up, went to work, worked all day, went to Sarah's house and hung out, came home, and went to sleep.

Saturday: (aka today) Woke up, went to work, worked all day, came home, had a snack, goofed off online, ate dinner, watched some tv with Phil and Shanna, And am know blogging.


If you noticed something missing, I give you mucho credit. It wasn't until I was discussing with Sarah how blehish my week has been, that I realized I wasn't putting any real time aside for Jesus n me time. And boy will I let you know, I can tell. I am exhausted and I really feel that is a large part of the reason. I have been praying and reading but I really haven't put any quality time aside to really dive into God's presence this week. So I am gonna do so now.

A Salute....

I almost didn't post tonight because it already looks like I posted today, but I am sooo counting it as last night....

So... Yesterday

I was at school and in my 304 class which is Theory and Methods of History (sounds boring but it really is interesting) We were discussing how the field of history has changed in the recent past. It was a really good lecture. And to spare you all of the reliving of it I'll just say that it left me with some questions regarding the possibilities of me pursuing a graduate degree in history.

So, I stayed after class to ask my professor some questions about graduate school since I am going to a grad school workshop on April 5th at UCI. And my professor gave me great insight into what I should be looking for, and then took the time out of his day when he could've been escaping to begin his sring break by looking up stuff on the internet and explaining it to me.

I (once again) realied that I go to an amazing school. My professors are all very personable and very generous with their out of class time. They all genuinely want to see each of their students succeed, and that, I believe, is what makes them great educators. They are also amazingly talented and active in their fields of research.

I have had some really good teachers, and they have all made me want to teach, because as one of my fabulous professors says "Some of the most important instruction occurs out of class."

So I want to encourage all of my school attending readers to get to know your teachers.

I also want to salute those teachers in my life who have either made a difference in my life, or have showed me important things about being an educator. (salutes teachers :) )

This should count for Thursday Night!

Because I just got home from hanging out with my awesome friends at Brittany's House...

We played Rock Band...

I am really bad at the drums, but Candice Rocks them hardcore!
Emo is amazazing at Guitar
Brittany is just the Rock Band Queen

And I... I should work the merch booth.

That is what I did today at work. I usually don't work on Thursday but I went in to go to a ibrary sponsored concert at the Elementary School next door, and my whole job was to sell cd's. I sold 8 cds and a dvd which was amazing because 97 % of our audience was first and second graders lol....

The singer was Bill Harley and he was great. Kinda like the wiggles but soooooo much better!

I had an amazing day at school and will prolly blog on it and my night at church later...

Students of the World...Unite!

It is my sixth day in a row of posting on my blog! Yay!

Today I would like to start off my blog with some fun quotes...

“When the past no longer illuminates the future, the spirit walks in darkness” -Alexis de Tocqueville

History is a vision of God's creation on the move.
-Arnold Toynbee

“To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.”
-Theodore H. White

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”
-Charles Austin Beard

“To a historian, libraries are food, shelter, and even muse.”
- Barbara W. Tuchman

So... Those were some quotes about History... I <3 History! and some quotes about friendship and perserverance... Back to your regularly scheduled program of Random info about my day...

Work:
Today was a pretty good day. I got to pick up one hour today and 4 on Friday, so I will have a twenty hour work week.YAY!
My craft program tonight had the biggest turnout of all of them. We made Flower Pens. I had something like 16 people including a teenage guy who came over to see if he could make one for the girl he liked.. He was so shy it was cute..

School:
My Russia class was pretty interesting. But it hit me rally hard today that by studying history, I can be desensitized to human suffering. Over a million people were murdered during the "Great terror"/ Ezhovshchina (Time of Ezhov) and in class it just comes out as just another number. But these were people who had families and loved ones and it made me really sad.

I got to have lunch with Ashley today which was fun because we don't get to talk as much this semester since we only have one class together.

In my US War and Depression class we were trying to come up with economically feasable ways to solve the depression if we were in charge at the time. One guy said genocide, and the assignment was then expanded to include a morality parameter. I decided to be devious and I started a bid for a new modified socialist government. I raised taxation and abolished profits. The teacher said that if we modified my ideas they might've worked. He disagreed with my commentray on how the New Deal had socialist leanings. Oh well. I really like his class because we can be totally wild and crazy and still learn alot.

I need to clean my room and my car...that is one gial I have for my Spring Break next week.

Oh well I should go to sleep so I can go to work in the morning...

It's Just An Average Day.....

....and nothing really stands out...

I have lots (okay maybe not a lot)of things to share today.

First of all, Dan the tight guy on Biggest Loser got sent home tonight. It makes me kinda sad, first of all because he cried and everything, second of all cuz he was adorable...

Second of all... I finished my paper, even though I was super frustrated and then I went to my professor's office hours at noon (my paper was due at 2:30) and he said that I could have turned it in the way it was, but he (after being horribly mean and teasing me) gave me some suggestions on how to improve it. So I did, and considering that I didn't really understand the paper prompt at first, I was kind of proud that it was turn-in-able when I went to see him.

I am really glad that I did get my paper done and that I went to school today. I was randomly sitting in class and I remebered just how much I love history. I had nearly forgotten with all of my frustrations over my paper. But I was sitting in class and we were discussing how this one historian wrote about how there should be more freedom for historians, and class was just really fun, and it hit me... hey I do like this, I remember now.

Work was aight, and I do work every day we are open this week, but Thursday is only for a couple of hours.

I have a lot to read for tonight, both for school and my Bible so I am gonna sign off...

As appearing on myspace

I wrote this on myspace as a way to share with my numerous not saved friends on there, but I thought it would work here too as my post of the day...

---------Begin Myspace Copying--------------

I don’t know how many people are friends with Jesus (on myspace) his myspace is :

http://www.myspace.com/iamyourhomeboy

For Easter "Jesus" blogged and here is just an excerpt from his blog...

"And then after the emotional pain of being let down by my closest friends, I was beaten for hours and made to carry that cross, your cross. It wasn’t fun, and I didn’t enjoy it, but I did it willingly, because I love you. I don’t think everyone reading this really gets that part. I truly and sincerely love you, each and every one of you. I gave myself up that night because I love you so much."

Then he goes on to challenge everyone to share their faith and how Jesus changed their lives with those that don’t know him.


So...Here I am.

I was always the outcast. Not even just at school. My family loved me, but as the sole child amongst adults I always felt out of place. I had few friends and none that didn’t want something from me. I felt condemned to be the outcast for my entire life.

One day I went to camp, I was 15 at the time. There someone told me that someone loved me enough to die for me, and that they loved me just they way I was, I didn’t need to change in order to recieve that love. I wanted to be loved SOOOO badly. So I decided that day to ask for that love to be mine.

I have been a different person since that day.

Not because I did anything more complicated than to let myself be loved by someone who already loved me. But it is a brave step to allow yourself to be loved, because when you are loved, you learn to love in return, and that requires you to be vulnerable and allow the possibility that you will be a different person.

That was 12 years ago, and while I’ll be the first to tell you that you will hit bumps walking this road of love, and you may even fall down and hurt yourself, but there is always one there who will help you up, hold you while you cry, and guide you on this journey of life.


-------End Myspace Post----------


I was looking back at some of the posts on myspace and livejournal from years back and I realized that no matter what the actual blogs appear to say, I am a different person now than I was then. And it is a good thing, it has been hecka hard and not so fun at times, but "I can say that I've been changed for the better" (yay Wicked) and it is all because of Jesus.

This is the day...

Happy Resurrection Sunday!

I write an awful lot, and for someone who always hated journal assignments, I laugh...

So..I have good news, and bad news...which should I write first?

I'll write the bad news first because then I can be happy while I type the good news... (upon second thought, I have a bit more of each than I originally realized...)

Bad:

1) My back is starting to hurt more again. This is both frustrating and frightening. The last time I was in so much pain that was so constant I did literally begin to fear for my sanity. I don't know if I can do that again... I am frustrated because I really can't do anything except for surgery which I cannot afford, so I have to wait for a divine healing, which requires patience and faith, both of which I posess, but when I am in pain it is hard to remember that fact...

But last week at Sunday Night Bible Study someone gave a word about waiting for the timing of the Lord that I really felt was for me, so hopefully soon...

2) Here I am once again facing a paper that I am not sure I understand. I understand the basic concepts behind Marxism and why it was important to the development of historical thought, but I am getting more frustrated everyday with this paper that I really should finish tonight if I want my professor to look at a rough draft so I can revise it before it is due. This is my prompt, and I just want to share that I think the two middle questions are the same question, but I know they aren't or there wouldn't be two questions for me to answer....

Why is the Communist Manifesto Important for Students of History? How do Marx and Engels explain the process of historical development in the Manifesto? How do they construe the historical significance of industrial capitalism? What, according to Hill and Hobsbawm, has Marxism contributed to history as a form of scholarly inquiry?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Well, that is basically all of the bad news...

On to more pleasant topics...

My first day of working with the person from my old work went much better than I thought. I went in there determined to behave in a Christ-like manner, and the day was not so bad, one because I went into the day in prayer, and two because I asked God to help my attitude towards this person and prayed that God would bless her.

I found really cute shoes to wear tomorrow, which if you know me is somewhat of a miracle because I won't wear shoes that aren't comfortable, but these are AND they are dressy. For which I am sure Collette is greatful...

God has really blessed me with the Holmes family. Last week at dinner I was officially welcomed into the family by getting a parental lecture. Which, while not fun, meant a lot to me. It has been a long time since anyone has been parental towards me. Grandma was amazing but as her health declined I basically became the head of the household. And I never really did have any parental influence because my mom was always sick and I really have lived much of my live as a miniature grown-up. Since moving in with the Holmes, I have been lectured twice (I also apparently don't know how to do laundry properly LOL!) which oddly enough touches my heart. I was made to take medicine when I was sick, I have been told that I don't need to do everything myself on numerous occassions, and today I came home to find an Easter basket on my bed, it was from Collette's mom. I have found that by joining this family and becoming more like a child (in that I now have people to obey and stuff like that) I am finding the freedom to "grow up". (if I make no sense it is okay, because it makes sense to me)

Quick and Dirty

So... it isn't that I haven't had anything to say during the last four-or-so days, it is me deciding that my posts would probably be more detrimental to anyone who would read them than they would be helpful to me to remember. I realize that I could've just put them on myspace, and made them private, but the people get crazy at you about your private blogs on myspace. So I have decided to remain silent on these last few days.

So I am going to do a "quick and dirty" blog of recentness because there are just a few things I need to get out of my system so I can think clearly.




Holidays: Today is Good Friday, to some people that means nothing but to me this day and last night have much meaning. Easter a.k.a. Resurrection Sunday is upon us and Easter is the day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, which is the event that marks Jesus as the Christ, the messiah, and is the hallmark of salvation. But What about the day of his crucifixion? It is this day in which we remember the total sacrifice made for us out of love. We are always told that He could've come down from the cross at a moments notice, and this should be believed because he could've.

BUT HE DIDN'T!!!!

There is a song that is sung at Cottonwod that goes something like this...

"In the scars of my Savior songs of salvation flow, Jesus, transform me that all of the world might know..."

We needed the resurrection to complete the promise of salvation, but first we needed the death of an innocent man to begin the work. Let us ponder that today...

Church:
My church is in the midst of a spiritual battle. It isn't just things that have been happening recently, it is a lot of things that have been happening for a while. The best way to fight the evil one is on our knees. Never before in my life have I felt that prayer was so neccesary.

God, I thank you for the place Calvary has in my heart, I know it and its people hold a greater place in yours. Please, Father, protect its people from the attacks of Satan. We have been facing a mighty storm for some time now, and I ask that you calm the seas. I believe that after this storm, a mighty blessing is to follow and I eagerly wait to see what you have in store for us as a body. Bless our leadership with discernment, wisdom, and the ability to rest in you even in the midst of the storm. I praise you in all things.
Amen.

Work:
I have been having a difficult time with work lately. And I really don't now if it is God trying to wean me away from my job because He has better plans for me or what. But, after the last job ended badly I promised myself that I would never work somewhere I was miserable again. If things don't change, I will begin looking for the next good job I can find.

Lord, I love my job, I find it interesting and fun... Most of the time... Lately it seems as if it would be better if I didn't work there. I thank you for your provision in my life, and I know that if this door is closing you will open another in my life. In all things, I pray that you will help me to behave in a way that brings honor to your name. Amen.


School:
I still love school. I am just finding that, although there is less actual work to do this semester, I am having more difficulty with understanding. But I STILL love it. I need to be able to focus when I am working on school, and possibly reprioritize my life. I don't want school to interfere with my spiritual life, and I need courage to take a stand.

Father, please help me. I want to make you proud in all I do. Give me wisdom and understanding when I just don't get it. Help me to stand firm in my beliefs even when they are under attack. I love you. Amen.

Difficult Decisions...

Are always a pain to have to make...

And yes, I have some to make right now, but I know that in the end it'll be worth it.

On a lighter note... We have a buyer for the house! Hooray! Praise Jesus! and Hallelujah!

So the buyer wants a quick turnaround, I want a quick turnaround and so does my aunt. They are aiming for Escrow in early April. That'd be amazing!

Kazaa!

Saturday Shenanigans

Today I worked from 9-5 which is a lot longer than I usually work on Saturday. But it meant that I got to know our new Page better and that is good. I also finished creating two new display boards one of which I am very proud of. The one I <3 is for our monthly Coffee and Classics Film group. I did it all in browns and it has a square theme going on. The one I don't love as much is for the teen book club. They are reading Uglies by Scott Westerfield. When I am making a display it helps if I know something about the thing I am making a display for which I didn't so this board is black, purple and green with white stars, It looks okay but I like the COffee one better.

Yesterday I found out that I am going to be working with someone from my last library who I am not particularly fond of. But I am going to embrace this as a growing experience.

Friday Night Live

I went to Friday Night Live with the youth tonight. I had a lot of fun. I love that I keep seeing different aspects of God's character everyday. We sand the song that says, "I'll never know just how much it cost, to see my sins upon that cross." and always when I heard that song I was so sad that my sins hurt God so bad.

I got saved at Missionettes Camp in 1996, and the whole reason I went forward and did the whole "got saved" thing was because the speaker told us that our sins are what made Jesus die. Which made me so sad, so I went and got saved. While I disagree with the tactic now (possibly more on why later), I am greatful because that was when all the church stuff first became real.

So that song has always connected me to that horrible greif that I caused Jesus. Tonight when we were singing that song I began with that same mentality and at some point I felt that God was telling me that me not knowing the grief that my sins caused him was part of the plan of salvation. Jesus took our sins and grief and shame so that we would never have to bear that unbearable burden.

God is so amazing, and I am glad that I am His child.

Awesome!

So yesterday, I was sitting in class and the thought "Why am I sitting here in class, when there are people who don't know Jesus out there." occurred to me and for those that know me, that kinda freaked me out. I <3 school a lot! And recently I gave to the Lord my education and career goals. I also <3 my work, in case you couldn't tell. So, I was like (yes kinda sarcastically) OH GREAT! I am gonna have to leave school and become a missionary (no, not to Papua New Guinea LOL) So, here I am sitting in my favorite class having an internal debate with God on why I would make a terrible missionary, and generally being cranky at God because although I will be obedient to his call on my life, I am still working on the obedience IN JOY to the parts I may not like concept.
But God reminded me at pre service prayer last night that being a missionary is NOT my calling. I know my calling, and while a short term missions trip may be involved, long term missions is not (at least not at the moment) But while that crisis of fear was lifted, God reminded me that I am at that school for a reason, and that while I enjoy studying history, my purpose there is not just to learn about famous dead people. My purpose is to be a light to the people I interact with on campus. He placed a great burden on my heart for those around me and already today he is starting to open doors in conversations for me to share his love.

Of Chocolate and Potions Masters...

So... My 20-somethings girliefriends and I are doing a Bible study on the book of Daniel by Beth Moore, and in our first session we were encouraged to make a sacrifice of something to help remind us that we are not called to be Babylonian in mentalty. I was originally going to give up chocolate, which I do love but realized that it isn't that big of a sacrifice. For me the one thing that I really love to do, that I am going to sacrifice is....

Before I share I would like to point out that writing this down is a huge commitment because it means I can't pretend I never said that...

I am not going to read any fanfiction during the first half of our Bible Study.

It may not sound like a big deal, but to me it is. The majority of my non-productive time is spent in reading fan fiction. It is what I do instead of TV.

Lord, give me the strength to stick to this, even when I am bored out of my skull and am tempted to quit. Amen.

I'm Baaack!

Although, since I took my computer with me I never really left!

So... A bit about the retreat...

I went expecting good things and even then my wildest expectations were exceeded.

First some background...
I went up there sick, like hacking my lungs out and just feeling pretty miserable.
I however was really psyched because I totally had the whole "mountaintop experience" remnant left from wintercamp last week.

What I wasn't expecting was for God to flip my worldview again for the second time in a week!

On Wednesday night my church held its annual business meeting, and our pastor shared that he was not going to preach the funural of our church. I did not know this at the time I went to the retreat because I only attended the meeting long enough to vote because I work with the youth and was in with them. Long story short...(too late!) I had no clue just how bad things at church were until our pastors wife just shared the burdens on her heart about the whole situation.

At this point my heart broke, because I had left the same retreat two years ago having prayed for direction about which church to attend, having got an answer from God to stay in this same church, and then left within a month of the retreat. I had walked away in knowing disobedience, and yet God, who loves me was faithful to place me back where I belong. All weekend long I had been drawn to the verses of Isaiah 51, especially verse 11.
"The ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away."
and I finally understood why. We lifted our pastor's wife up in prayer and as a group of women prayed for the future and life of our church. I believe for a healing and restoration at my church and the beginnings of a revival that will shake not only our church, but also our community, and the very world in which we live.

For some reason the concept of pruning has been coming to me in my devotional times, the fact that without the removal of dead or excess branches, new growth will be choked out. I don't know if that is a word just for me or if it is for others, but I am believing that after a period of pruning, a great blossoming will occur.

At the retreat, as I mentioned I was ill. I was out of it for the first two sessions, then after Saturday morning session I shared with someone that I was feeling attacked (illness, a bad week coming up to the retreat, ect) and her and another friend told me/dragged me forward for prayer. I didn't really feel that I wanted to bother the speaker (Tammy) with my measley little prayer request, but it was "God appointment time" Before she even knew why I was coming up for prayer she shared with me that the night before, during worship she had seen a lion guarding me from the attacks of the enemy and saying no more. I was like wow, I am up here because I am feeling attacked. So we prayed.

Then later I took some time to be away from everything and I was like well if I was being protected the night before, what was up with the morning, why was I feeling so oppressed. And I realized something, there have been times throughout the last year when I felt like if anything else would go wrong I would die (literally). And I just couldn't take anything else. As I was sitting there in the courtyard I realized that I am in a time of protection so that I can prepare to enter battle. I am being protected so that I can build up my faith, and "gird my loins" and that one day soon I am heading out to the front lines. There are still going to be stray bullets coming at me, but I am away from the cannon fire so I can better prepare to fight the upcoming battles.


Lord, I just want to lift up my church, Father, I ask that a new breath of life be upon its people. Prune doubt, envy, bitterness, and discord from our branches so that new growth will occur. Bless our Pastors and Staff, Lord. Give them daily encouragement and strength to face their battles. Lord, help me to be a value to this church, not a hindrance. I thank you for the work I know you will do, Amen.

Today...

"What's with today...today?"

I <3 Lucas and Empire Records...

So... A list about today...

I am sick. And it is lame.

I just painted my toenails blue...

I am going to women's retreat! YAY!!!!

I have lots of homeworks to do...

So...You might not here from me again until I return.....

Have a gret weekend!

Life...

Today I get my California midterm back, which I think I did pretty ok, we'll see.
I don't work again until Tuesday hooray!

I figured out the whole Bible/Balaam thing that I originally had questions about and then I couldn't ask anyone, and so I used that as part of my excuse to go church shopping... Yep. It was me being an idiot... LOL!

I need to clean my room because it is getting sloppy...

I have a meeting with my professor today... I hope it goes well...

My whole distraction thing from Tuesday kinda spilled over into yesterday, but I wasn't hungry, but I am really confused about all this Bolshevik, Red, White, ect madness, and I have a hard time moving past things that confuse me.

Still really excited about women's retreat.

It is Finished!

So, My Russia paper is done! Hooray. I turned it in this morning. It was not the best paper I could do, but it was the best I could do with the time and understanding I had. There were 3 questions and the first one was easy enough but the second two were not and that is what my problem is going to be with this paper. Oh well...At least I am done.

One more day of school and then I am off to the women's retreat! Yay!

For the record

I am extremely over excited to be going to women's retreat this weekend... But I will be even more excited about it when I get my Russia paper done....

On another note I also discovered today that I get kind of freaked out when I am hungry. I was having a hard day at school, completely unable to concentrate and then getting frustrated when I couldn't figure out the answers. I was in such a weird mood that my friend Chris thought I was mad at him.... but really I was just super frustrated. And then after school I was sooooooo hungry. I got to work and had a snack and then I suddenly felt a lot better. It was like magic.

So back to the paper...

A Revelation....

More
by Matthew West
Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

(Chorus)
Than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you, yesterday and today
Through the joy and the pain
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me


I have so many things that I want/ need to express about my weekend at camp, but I'll start with this because it is important....

So often, we hear "God Loves You" or other sentiments of similarity and I know my reaction is "Yes, and your point is..." Until, this weekend when it finally hit me... God Loves ME...Stacey Atkins, individually and personally. I knew God loved me in the whole creator of the universe, creator loves his creation type ways, but one thing I have always struggled with, and I know I've shared this with others before, but I always have struggled with the concept of God loves us, his children, as a father.

I was standing in Chapel at camp and I was just worshipping and then whoever was on stage at the time started to pray, I am not even sure what about but it just hit me then and there. I am a daughter of the most high God, who cares for me.

I don't even need to explain how bad this last year was for me, Grandma, the one member of my family who I could always count on died, and suddenly I, for the first time in my life, felt absolutely, totally, and completely helpless. There was nothing I could do to change the situation and I realized rather quickly that I was going to have to rely on God for everything... A really hard concept for me to grasp, because I am disturbingly stubborn and prideful that I can take care of myself...but I can't do everything and I realize that now.

I know I have told people that even when I was facing homelessness and the whole world seemed to be going crazy that I wasn't worried about it. And that is true, I had total peace the entire time I was looking for places, and even when I didn't have anywhere lined up with two days until I had to move out, I knew it was going to be okay. And it was... I lived with my cousins for a couple weeks and now live with people who have been like my family for years. Which is totally a God thing, because it wouldn't have been possible for me to live with them without major changes happening in their lives as well.

I left the church that I grew up in for reasons that I will now admit were stupid, even when I knew it wasn't what I wasn't supposed to do, and went to another church for awhile, a good church, but not where I was supposed to be. I let my pride and my dependence on other people stand in the way of the path that the Lord had for my life, and I am so grateful that He has given me the opportunity to go back and try again....


So, back to the chapel... I am in the chapel just worshipping and then someone just starts praying for me and God says (yes in a small whisper) "You are where you are for a reason, you are at this camp for a reason, you are helping out with the youth for a reason (even when I swore I would never ever work with youth again)and here is just a part of that reason..." All of a sudden I just knew that I was God's child and he was taking care of me.
It was like all of the times when I was questioning God's hand in my life flashed before my eyes (but not in a creepy I'm about to die way)and I could suddenly see how even when I was walking way off the path, God was directing me back, by placing people and events in my life...

I have a lot more to blog about for this camp, but I am supposed to be writing a paper on the Russian Revolutions of 1917,and I just stopped cause I needed to get this out because I am distracted by my excitement....