You get what you ask for...

Last night was the first time in a while where I cried myself to sleep. I just became so overwhelmed by the suckiness of my reality that I couldn't help it.

I am not so deluded or self-centered to believe that my reality is any worse that anyone else's but sometimes I just can't hold it together.

Now that my brief but wonderful stint of joy at the thought that I might not be completely repulsive to all humans of the male gender is over, I am resigned to the reaffirmation that I am a swamp monster. This is what started the line of thought that led me to tears, but isn't what actually made me cry.

What broke my heart was the renewed realization that I will never know what my mom thinks about anyone or anything in my life ever again. Neither will I know the same about my grandmother. I've realized this for awhile, but for now, the thought of that makes me incredibly sad.

I won't know if my family thinks that my future husband (if there ever is one) is a good or bad pick for me. I won't get to see their reaction to my finally graduating, and with honors no less! I don't get to have poud parents attending things like honors convocation or graduation. And since I am a swamp monster, I'll have no husband to attend them either.

I know I am never really alone, but there are just days when I feel like I am, and this was one of them.

This post makes no sense... But it is my blog!

Okay, here it is in all of its gory glory.

I took this weekend to pray and make some decisions. I am not going to share them here in my blog. In fact, if you don't know me in real life this post will make no sense to you at all, so you might as well stop reading now. Even if you do, it might not make sense but you know I rarely make sense anyhow.

I know that some of those decisions are going to make some of you, my dear friends, think I am insane.

I assure you I am not.

I know that there are some things I am sacrificing by having made the decisions I have made, and that is okay with me. It really is.

Please, if you are going to judge me, keep it to yourselves. I am not interested in condemnation from anyone. If you want to get all high and mighty and throw scripture at me, be forewarned, I have scriptures of my own to throw back.

If, on the other hand you truly care about me, just pray. This has been a long a difficult process, and my heart is still tender and bruised and would like not to be poked at for awhile.

Will you see any big changes in my life? Probably not. At least not for awhile.

I am coming home from what has been a cherished and God appointed opportunity to rest and totally just get it all out with my Abba.

My aunt is a saint for basically letting me come up and eat her food and sleep for long periods of time during the day, and not having any responsibilities shoved in my face, so that in the wee quiet hours, I could wrestle with my thoughts. I am blessed to have her in my life. And now she is trying to feed me again. I am going to come home weighing 300 pounds, I swear.

Abundant

"I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."
John 10:10b

life: the experience of being alive; the course of human events and activities;

abundantly: In an abundant manner; in a sufficient degree; fully; amply; plentifully; in large measure

Last night we had a different type of youth service. We had an evening of worship that was sensory and all about experiencing God. Like most Wednesday nights, I wasn't expecting God to speak to me. I often forget how much God likes to do the unexpected.

One of the stations was a visual expression station where those who wished to could paint what God meant to them. I started off the evening by praying that the teens would get something out of the evening, but then I felt that little nudge telling me to go paint, So I went. I started to paint a white heart and contemplated the usual forgiven message, but then I moved to get more paint and realized, that I needed to move to the other side of the canvas, so I did, and as I did, I totally got the thought to just paint, don't have a plan for what you are painting, just paint.
So I left my little white heart and then I started to paint and I did a black heart and washed it over with white and at some point ended up adding the words life more abundant. I can't say I was totally aware of what I was painting, but neither was I unaware. I was just painting.

When I was done painting, I went back and was like "OK God what next?" and I was directed to another station. This was the station where we were supposed to write down either prayers or things we were hearing from God. So I grabbed a pad and pen and headed to a chair. At this point I was liek Ok I have some paper now what? And all of a sudden I get a flood of questions running through my head about what I had just painted. These questions were things like "Am I living a more abundant life? Or have I adapted to living a life of mediocrity and survival? Am I wasting His sacrifice?" And other thoughts on the topic. In short, I believe God has challenged me to throw of the mantle of merely existing and to begin to LIVE.

The last thing I got from last night was a thorough reminder that even though I have been saved for almost 13 years, I still struggle with sin. I think that we are most at danger when we try to pretend that we don't. One thing that I got "called to the carpet" for was for being covetous of people's families. I was wanting to have a family like some people I know, and God basically told me (in a much gentler way) to "get over it, that isn't my plan" I think this is one of my bigger struggles. This struggle to trust God with the fact that for some reason His plan does not include me having parents, and while it hurts and I just don't get why, I know that in order to live a more abundant life, that I am going to have to trust him with this. I have to trust that his plan is greater than my pain, I have to trust that there is a reason why my life is the way it is, and trust that one day I will see how it was worth it all.

There were some other things, but I need to head to school so I may have to share those later.

A Dad Shaped Hole

So, nine years ago today, my father died.

And I almost forgot.

This kind of makes me feel like a bad person.

It also makes me incredibly sad. I always know on the days when my mother and grandmother died, but I almost forgot this day.

I know that there are very few people with whom I have shared the facts of my childhood with, and for those who don't know. My childhood sucked. Especially the part of it where I lived with my dad and step-mother. Things happened that should never happen to a child, especially when those things are done to the child by the very person who is supposed to guard that child from harm.

It took me a very long time to forgive him for the things that he allowed to happened, but eventually, with the help of Jesus, I was able to.

I am grateful that the last thing I ever told him was that I loved him.

I got distracted form where exactly I was going with this because Susanna just came home and turned on Iron Chef America. It is battle cranberry, I LOVE cranberries.

Oh... Back to the story of my father.

Recently I began to interact with one of my three half sisters. My father's children from his first marriage. We have discussed how he wasn't a bad person, he just didn't really know how to be a father. In some ways this is comforting because it means that some of the issues I encountered with him as a child weren't because I was a bad kid, which is something. I always thought if I had been a better kid, that he would've loved me more or things would've been different. In many ways it is healing to know that it wasn't my fault.

I often hear that the way in which you relate to your earthly father is how you will relate to God. I am so very thankful that that is not neccesarily true. I have struggled with accepting God as a father figure because of my relationship with my dad, but at the same time, I now know that God is my father because those longings for a father have been filled by him. He has touched my life and filled the holes in my heart. He has placed people in my life to fill the critical voids left by the absence of my dad.

I know what a true father God is because I know what it feels like to have that part of your life be missing.

I will always wish that my life had turned out differently and that I could've had the ideal real life father daughter relationship I envy in so many of my friends lives, but the lessons I have learned about the nature of God because of how my life has been are invaluable as well.

A few different post ideas came to mind so there might be a couple today...

In my recent ponderings, I have been reflecting on my relationships.

I have been pondering those closest to me and what they mean to me and how do I define those relationships.

It has reminded me of just how blessed I am.

A while ago Alexis posted something on her myspace blog that I have wanted to do since I read it... so here is my attempt, however feeble it may be...

1. I feel like we've known each other forever, and you really are one of my best friends, even though we aren't as close as we once were. I love watching how God is working in your life and growing you as a strong Christian. I am glad to know that no matter where life takes us, we will always be friends.

2. I miss you. And I don't understand why you went away. I can only hope that good things are happening for you and pray that God blesses you everyday. I know we haven't stopped our friendship because of distance in space and time, but I still do truly miss you.

3. Our relationship is God inspired from the deepest level. I never thought we would be more than casual acquaintances, but you've become one of the people I hold dearest, and I thank God for you daily. Now that we've become such good friends, I can't imagine how dull life would be without you in it.

4. Of all of these anonymous notes, yours will probably be the easiest to figure out. Our relationship is defined by many terms... including friend and sister, your mom has welcomed me into the family, and I love your family like my own. I love them time we spend together, even when we spend so much time together, we drive each other crazy. You are probably thinking that I am crazy at any given time, and you are often right about that. I love you, yes, even when you piss me off...

5. We've become closer lately although I can guarantee if you read this, you won't know it is you. You are more fun than I ever realized, and also more spiritual, I have had to recognize that just because your faith is quiet, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. you are amazing.

6. For some reason I struggle with two polar opposites when it comes to you. Half the time I want to wring your neck and the other half I want to hug you. This relationship came like a bolt out of the blue and yes you would probably mock me for saying that. I do thank God for you, because for some reason, I know He has placed you in my life to help me grow both as a Christian and as a human. I love you even when I am yelling at you, and know that when I am yelling at you it is because I am fiercely protective of you and want to see you be the best you can be.

7. I thought, for the longest time that you didn't like me, now I think that was because you are not very demonstrative. You are a good friend and I love the time we spend together.

8. I have always appreciated the way in which you look at life, and I love that you always want to be the best for God. I used to want to be just like you. Now I know that God has made me to be just like me, but I still think you are super cool. I am glad that we are friends.

9. I was always jealous of how close everyone else was with you. Now I get to be your friend too. Thank you for your support and encouragement. It means more to me than you'll ever know.

10. Although I think you are one of the coolest people I know. I know that you would be so much happier and even cooler than you are now, if you would let Jesus love you. I don't believe this I don't believe in God baloney, not one bit. I see the question in your eyes of "could it be real?" and yes it is. I think you are scared to face a life of freedom. Too afraid to embrace the unconditional love that comes with a living, breathing, relationship with Christ. I pray for you everyday. That you will come to know the love, joy, and freedom that comes with the acceptance of grace. You don't have to earn salvation, it has already been paid for. I wish I could make you open your eyes and see, but I know that if I did that, you would resent God more for it. So, I must be content to sit and pray, and just be there to show you the way, when you are ready.

I write an awful lot, and for someone who always hated journal assignments, I laugh...

So..I have good news, and bad news...which should I write first?

I'll write the bad news first because then I can be happy while I type the good news... (upon second thought, I have a bit more of each than I originally realized...)

Bad:

1) My back is starting to hurt more again. This is both frustrating and frightening. The last time I was in so much pain that was so constant I did literally begin to fear for my sanity. I don't know if I can do that again... I am frustrated because I really can't do anything except for surgery which I cannot afford, so I have to wait for a divine healing, which requires patience and faith, both of which I posess, but when I am in pain it is hard to remember that fact...

But last week at Sunday Night Bible Study someone gave a word about waiting for the timing of the Lord that I really felt was for me, so hopefully soon...

2) Here I am once again facing a paper that I am not sure I understand. I understand the basic concepts behind Marxism and why it was important to the development of historical thought, but I am getting more frustrated everyday with this paper that I really should finish tonight if I want my professor to look at a rough draft so I can revise it before it is due. This is my prompt, and I just want to share that I think the two middle questions are the same question, but I know they aren't or there wouldn't be two questions for me to answer....

Why is the Communist Manifesto Important for Students of History? How do Marx and Engels explain the process of historical development in the Manifesto? How do they construe the historical significance of industrial capitalism? What, according to Hill and Hobsbawm, has Marxism contributed to history as a form of scholarly inquiry?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Well, that is basically all of the bad news...

On to more pleasant topics...

My first day of working with the person from my old work went much better than I thought. I went in there determined to behave in a Christ-like manner, and the day was not so bad, one because I went into the day in prayer, and two because I asked God to help my attitude towards this person and prayed that God would bless her.

I found really cute shoes to wear tomorrow, which if you know me is somewhat of a miracle because I won't wear shoes that aren't comfortable, but these are AND they are dressy. For which I am sure Collette is greatful...

God has really blessed me with the Holmes family. Last week at dinner I was officially welcomed into the family by getting a parental lecture. Which, while not fun, meant a lot to me. It has been a long time since anyone has been parental towards me. Grandma was amazing but as her health declined I basically became the head of the household. And I never really did have any parental influence because my mom was always sick and I really have lived much of my live as a miniature grown-up. Since moving in with the Holmes, I have been lectured twice (I also apparently don't know how to do laundry properly LOL!) which oddly enough touches my heart. I was made to take medicine when I was sick, I have been told that I don't need to do everything myself on numerous occassions, and today I came home to find an Easter basket on my bed, it was from Collette's mom. I have found that by joining this family and becoming more like a child (in that I now have people to obey and stuff like that) I am finding the freedom to "grow up". (if I make no sense it is okay, because it makes sense to me)