It's a bit late for that...

but I do kind of have some resolutions I am trying to keep.

For one thing, I have gone on a diet. I have lost 7 lbs as of Saturday and will be weighing myself again when I get home. I want to lose enough weight that I can go Ziplining while on my cruise in May.

I have been eating fast food way less often, partially as part of the diet, but also because it just isn't good for you. I have been trying to eat at home more, and out less. One recipe I have discovered is a cake made from a box of cake mix and a can of diet soda. I tried Chocolate with Diet coke, and it is good. I want to try Strawberry cake with diet sprite next and make them as cupcakes... the cupcakes have less than a hundred calories each and are pretty tasty...

I am slowly trying to reduce the amount of things I have, I don't have a lot of room for storage, and I just have too much stuff, sorting out the important and the nostalgic from the rest is tedious, but I am making some progress.

My career goals are on hold as I can't even APPLY for library school until next August. So right now, I am working at the library, trying to make money.

I want to start a food blog, or two actually. One is for fun and tasty restaurants in Southern California (embracing my LA roots and my mew discoveries in SD) the other is a healthier eating blog...

I have other things I am trying to do, but I need to figure out dinner and go to the store...

Rambling

If I were to be completely honest, I would say that right now I feel discontent. But then I feel bad for feeling that way because there isn't really a reason for me to feel that way.

But I do.

I feel... itchy... not like my skin is itchy, but that something is going to happen soon, and I can feel it.


I wish I knew what that was...

I also wish I was in Las Vegas right now.

Other things I wish for:

A good night's sleep

Not to have to work tomorrow

A day (or heck even a couple hours) pain free



Blah... I am rambling and I know it...

Universal Studios!!!

On Sunday I went to:


With:



My friend Varian



I got a wheelchair, but had a lot of fun.



Dinosaurs are Amazing!




So are Sharks!

I really had a lot of fun. The day was filled with some general hilarity and far too much eating....

briefly

Its been a pretty emotional month over here in Stacey-land.
I've had amazing days of amazingness, and some really sucky days. But I think that I can concretely say that there has been much learned out of the experiences of the last month.

The next 6 weeks are going to be extremely busy. I am both looking forward to finishing my degree, but am very sad to be leaving my beloved DH.

There is just so much going on that I can't figure out what to say here, so that can be it for now...

In Case You are wondering...

So. It has been an interesting week. I am however, looking very much forward to Spring Break which I guess is officially started.

Friday night I came home from work and fell asleep. I didn't eat dinner, I didn't go online for hours. I went to sleep. At 7pm! I did wake up in the middle of the night but was apparently still ready to sleep because when it was time for me to wake up on Saturday for work. I really didn't want to.

Saturday I had a staff meeting at work. We had this most amazing banana choc. chip nut bread. I want to know how to make it. Or go buy like fifty loaves to keep in the freezer. Yes, it is that good.
I created a gator headband craft to match one of the stories from storytime.
I went to El Pollo Inka with Denise and Jessica, where I ate my amazing #8 no egg and put about a third of a bottle of the amazing green sauce on my food. I would put it on almost everything I eat! I love it! One day I will get the Chaufa and eat a whole bottle of it. It is a dietary goal. I will need many Inka Colas that day.
Went back to work and then from 3-5 cleaned out the craft supplies and toy giveaways section of the workroom. I laughed when I discovered that we have a whole basket worth of Harry Potter party supplies. I have corrupted the library. I am looking forward to the party we may or may not be having in July. I <3 Harry Potter.

I came home intending to stay in bed and read. Then one of my coworkers texted me to let me know that her check was already in and so mine probably was too. It was. I am so excited. So, I went out to dinner and the movies with Denise. I tried the new Buffalo Chicken pizza at CPK. It is not bad, but I would like it better if they put the celery on after it came out of the oven. It is probably my number 3 pizza on the menu after the BBQ Chicken Pizza and the Chicken Club Pizza. They are yummys. As always I enjoyed more than one glass of the glorious sugar free peach Iced Tea. It is amazing stuff!

Today I have Sunday School and Church, then I need to get some stuff done at home so that I can go to Disneyland tomorrow! I am going with some coworkers and it should be a lot of fun. I really want my back to co-operate with me though, because one of my co workers hasn't been in a really long time and I want her to have fun.

Then tonight is twenty-somethings bowling! I am bringing at least one and possibly two friends. It should be a blast.

Tuesday I am planning on spending the day around here getting some stuff (taxes!) done and then working in the evening.

Wednesday I am on a normal Wednesday schedule.

Thursday I am supposed to go see the German Cold War art Exhibition at LACMA with a friend from school.

Friday and Saturday I work all day.

I would like to squeeze a trip to the Aquarium in at some point this week, but it depends on how things go.

More details as events warrant! LOL!


Also, tomorrow is the LAST day to get in entries for the plastic egg challenge of the month. Try to wow me folks!

This post makes no sense... But it is my blog!

Okay, here it is in all of its gory glory.

I took this weekend to pray and make some decisions. I am not going to share them here in my blog. In fact, if you don't know me in real life this post will make no sense to you at all, so you might as well stop reading now. Even if you do, it might not make sense but you know I rarely make sense anyhow.

I know that some of those decisions are going to make some of you, my dear friends, think I am insane.

I assure you I am not.

I know that there are some things I am sacrificing by having made the decisions I have made, and that is okay with me. It really is.

Please, if you are going to judge me, keep it to yourselves. I am not interested in condemnation from anyone. If you want to get all high and mighty and throw scripture at me, be forewarned, I have scriptures of my own to throw back.

If, on the other hand you truly care about me, just pray. This has been a long a difficult process, and my heart is still tender and bruised and would like not to be poked at for awhile.

Will you see any big changes in my life? Probably not. At least not for awhile.

I am coming home from what has been a cherished and God appointed opportunity to rest and totally just get it all out with my Abba.

My aunt is a saint for basically letting me come up and eat her food and sleep for long periods of time during the day, and not having any responsibilities shoved in my face, so that in the wee quiet hours, I could wrestle with my thoughts. I am blessed to have her in my life. And now she is trying to feed me again. I am going to come home weighing 300 pounds, I swear.

In my defense...

I wasn't kept up by my research, the topics were genuinely interesting to me (at least this morning)

Is it weird that these seemingly morbid topics don't freak me out. I think it is interesting to see how society and its values have changed over time. Did you now that right now no one in CA can be executed because it was ruled that the lethal injections must be administered by a licensed medical practitioner, and they are ethically prohibited from performing executions, so those on death row will just be stuck there until someone finds a way to resolve the situation.

If you are against capital punishment, this could be a good thing, if you are for it, you might feel differently.

I kind of find some weird things interesting. Did you know that if I didn't study Russian history I would either study the history of epidemics or criminal history, I have a few books that look at execution methods, and I think it is interesting. It always makes me sad because I am in general not one who likes to see people killed, but I still find it fascinating.

OK I guess I am weird. Whatever.

I am excited for the whole retreat thing this weekend, and I am taking my melatonin with me for my roomates sake!

Today

Today I am waiting for grades.

I am also watching Get Smart and Tropic Thunder.

I am doing Laundry.

I am cleaning up the house, including my room.

I am decorating the tree.

All in all I am enjoying the solitude.

I feel very responsible but at the same time am enjoying the fact that I am still in my pajamas. at 2:30 in the afternoon... Bliss I tell you, sheer bliss...

Identity Revealed

So...

I've been contemplating sharing what exactly my lion is for a while and I was waiting to tell one more person in person before I do, but I will write this out now and hope I get a chance to tell that someone myself.

I have always felt called to adoption. Always. Even before I contemplated the fact that I don't want to give any one, especially my child, my genetic makeup. I always have known that I am willing and able to love children I did not give birth to as my own.

So, while this has always been a far away plan, it has now become my lion.

I didn't think of it as such until I was trying to convince someone that I didn't have a lion to chase, and I kid you not, I had the whole inaudible voice of God telling me yes you do. And then the person I was talking to, who I had already shared my plans with, said yes you do right at the same time. I literally had to pause the conversation I was having with my friend and stop and I realized that while I was actively making plans to change my lifestyle in accordance with my plan to adopt, I hadn't considered it a lion to chase. (If you are confused about the lion talk, I highly recommend Mark Batterson's book, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day)

So, I am going to be making some decisions based solely on the outcome of how will this action affect my future children. I am trying to learn and grow in the ways I need to to become a good mom. I am going to work on developing the spiritual attributes that will serve me well as a mom. I am making decisions about my life and stuff like education and finances all with the intent of adopting.

I know there are some people who will think I am absolutely ludicrous to contemplate adopting kids as a single woman. I know even more people who still mentally consider me many years younger than I am. My only response is that I believe this is to be a large part of my calling. I do want to get married one day, and I believe that will happen. But I am also in full faith that any man who truly loves God and Me will also love my children. I am also rapidly approaching the age of 30, while I do not believe that this is old in any way shape or form, I do believe that regardless of other peoples' opinions, I am old enough and mature enough to make these kinds of decisions for myself.

I am not going to pretend I am headed out on an easy path of daisies and sunshine, I know that this is going to be difficult in many different ways. But I truly believe it is going to be worth it. And I have total peace about the situation.

So, I am honestly interested in peoples' respoines but at the same time, do be courteous and remeber that I have feelings.

In a Pit...

So I now have this amazing ring. I have never really been a jewelry person, but I needed something concrete to remind me of the lion I am chasing.

Our church recently went throught the book In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day by MArk Batterson. And now our 20-somethings girls group is doing the accompanying study called Chasing the Lion.

I just recently discovered the identity of my lion and it is going to be a long chase so this ring is to remind me when the hunt grows long, of what I am chasing after.

I am so excited for when I can take pride in having captured my lion.

Something is missing...

There are days when my wisdom is lacking. Today was one of those days.

Today I went to work. I love my work but have decided that it is difficult to answer the phone with no voice. Because...Oh yeah, my voice is basically gone too.

There are other things missing but even thinking about those brings up tears, because my tough exterior is not missing, but is definitely weakened today.

What isn't missing? Tears, laughs, good friends, yummy cookies and general hilarity and shenanigans. Oh.. And God, but He's never absent is He?

Trunk or Treat

Tonight was the Trunk or Treat outreach at church. These are my observations.

1. I was the first of the Wordless Book people. One thing that I think might have been helpful was if I had a script in Spanish too. The area we live in has a significant population of Spanish speakers. I ended up simplifying the message a couple times due to the language barrier and I felt bad.

2. My car was awesomely decorated. (well, actually it was Cassie's car, but I decorated it...)



3. Tonight as I was leaving Pastor John was sharing with me and one of the other workers about the people who had said the sinners prayer. The number was much larger than I anticipated. I was excited. I was also excited for some other things he shared, but I am almost positive that we'll all be hearing them Sunday morning, and I don't want to spoil anything for anyone. But mostly I was excited because it was one of the first times that PJ has shared something with me BECAUSE I was a partner in a ministry team, and not to try to show me something, or prove a point. One of the things I have found most frustrating is that people tend to treat me like a child sometimes. I know that part of it is because I tend to act younger than I am, but I sometimes think that its because I am not married and am still in school. But to be honest, none of these things make me less of an adult than I am. I am 27 years old, I am NOT a child. I like to have fun, I derive pleasure from simple things, but I am an ADULT. I really appreciated being treated like one this evening. Especially by my pastor. He has been my pastor for 20 years, since I was a little girl, he often forgets how old I am, and I appreciated being treated like an adult.

(Sorry for the mini rant)

Desperation

Oh how I wish this post was about being desperate for Jesus. It's not. It is about something so much more basic than that.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately, and I am exhausted.

I really just want to curl up and sleep for a week or longer.

I was concerned that I am under a spiritual type of attack but I didn't think so. Because well, I just didn't...

Apparently my pills can reduce the body's natural levels of meletonin making falling asleep and or staying asleep (my problem) difficult. So I am going to try supplementing it. I hope it works. If I can't get rest soon I am going to go crazy. Literally.... Book me a padded room kind of crazy...

There is just too much going on...

Please pray that I get some sleep...

I'm getting desperate.

So, I am at school ungodly early.

I have four things to work on, but in reality, I just don't want to.

I really shouldn't have taken this Colonial America class. It isn't really my interest, and it is a LOT of work. I also don't need it. But it is basically too late. It should be interesting though.

I am kinda hungry but just ate like 3 hours ago and so I shouldn't be.

I did get my grad check done, I just need to have Dr. Jeffers sign off on it and I am good to go.

I have been asked what I want for my birthday and the reality of it is that I just don't know. Anything I want isn't something anyone could give me (except for God) and although I know there is stuff I want, it isn't anything I would ask for lol.

I feel like I am going through a Eustace experience with God lately.(Eustace from Narnia LOL) He is stripping things away from me, and while I recognize the neccesity and benefit of this, I wish it wasn't so painful. I can't wait for this period to be over.... I especially dislike the removal of my guard walls, I HATE feeling vulnerable all the time.

My cousins are taking me out for dinner for my birthday on thursday. It should be fun, I like hanging out with them.

Bleh... I hate being angsty all the time too....

okay Rant over.....

On a lighter note I saw that they have created this kit for slice and bake cupcakes....Yum.. the epitome of laziness......

The Road to Hell....

So, my intentions were to blog more regularly than I do currently. They were also to go on a diet, get my room cleaned, return all of my library books, stay on schedule with my reading, and get my grad school applications finished.

I have failed at all of these.

I need to get with it, but all I really want to do is sleep. Not that I do, of course. I haven't been sleeping well. It is a combination of having too much on my mind, and some really weird dreams, but I have only been getting about 3-5 hours of sleep every night. I am a seven hours is ideal person, and I have been getting not enough for me.

I have postponed my diet indefinitly, but am making better choices. And I have been loosing weight, so I am not gonna let myself stress about that.

I would get my room clean if I had time to do so.

I need to return my books, as they are all so late that they appear to be lost.

I need to catch up on reading. I could read while I am lying awake at night, but I do need to retain what I read, so I am not sure if that is a good idea.

And grad school apps. What to do about those? I know that I need to fill them out, but there is a portion of them that I am stuck on. The statement of purpose. This is supposed to tell the school why I want to go there, and why I would be a good addition to their student body. For grad school it also is supposed to convey to them the desire to financially support me while finishing my degree program.

So, here is a good portion of my stress and angst. I also have emotional things going on, but I don't feel like writing about those.

What is great/ frustrating is that I know in the midst of all of this madness, that God is in control of everything. And He does watch over me, but I need all of this plus other stuff to be over.

I have been contemplating the finishing of my trip posts, but I am kind of over it to be honest. Anyone who really wants to see the pics can see them when I get them scrapbooked.

Okay...explosion of angst over...

So,

Today I had a staff meeting at work, which meant that I had to be up super early.

I was out kind of late last night.

I am exhausted.

I LOVE being back in school.

I am however, kind of angsty and emo.

It is a combination of frustration, exhaustion, and the season of life that I am in currently.

Please, have patience with me, I am trying to be "normal" or at least tolerable.

Back to School!

Tomorrow I go back to school.
This, as many people know, makes me happy.
I never thought that life would be the way it is right now, as I am entering my last year of my undergraduate education. Come May of next year, I will no longer be Stacey Atkins girl who is never going to graduate from college. I will have gotten a four year degree and will be off to seek my fame and fortune in other activities.
Right now I would love to be able to proclaim what they are, but in reality, I just don't have any clue what might be in store. Last year at thise time, I honestly couldn't have guessed that I would've done half of the things I have done in the last year, and would've laughed at you if you had told me I would do some of them.

I know that some people are still waiting for a full report on my trip, but I am still in a stage where I can tell you stories of what happened while I was gone, but I am still digesting the impact it had on me. I can declare, with no reservations, that I want to go back again some day. At least to Russia. I would also like to spend more time in Finland and in Denmark. Sweden and Norway were great and so was Estonia, but I really liked Finland and Denmark. I LOVED Russia! But this we already knew.

I am taking at least four classes this semester and although I am signed up for six, I feel that two of them will get dropped this week. I also need to figure out my schedule.

I am also starting a diet as of tomorrow. This is not because of my appearance, but for my back. I am still quite happy with the fact that I am so much smaller than I used to be, that my appearance doesn't bother me. But I know that losing more weight will be better for my back, and I want to help it out. Good news is that jalepenos have no points and since I have been craving them like a crazy person, which is weird because I don't like them usually, this is good. Also low in points is Golden Spoon, which I love.

I am going to try to blog more because in the midst of craziness, which is going to be the next four months, it help to have a place for decompressing...

rambles

Well, I can't say that I am not excited to be leaving on my trip, because I am.

I have been trying to do a deep blog of emotion and God stuff, but I don't really feel like having my business out there for everyone in cyberspace.

Tonight is day two of prayer, and that is where I shall be tonight. Because it is a good place to be!


I love Hi-Chews Especially the Apple Kind!

20 and Counting

It is officially less than 3 weeks til I leave, and I am actually on my way to a mini trip tonight...

I am going to my aunts house in Sacramento until Sun Night, I am hijacking Denise and making her go with.

We are taking the train..and a buss anctually we are going bus train bus but we are young and adventure is good for the soul!

I'll be back by Monday (and am excited about it!)

I have a hardcore look at PSalms 24 planned for an upcoming blog, so everyone should read it. It is a good chapter.

I am reading quite a few books and am excited to be reading them.

I wish I could take a nap before I leave but I leave in like 3 hours so I prolly don't have time.

That is Why I am blogging...to kill time, although a character in one of my favorite books would hate to hear me say that.

That is actually a good guessing gaqme to leave you all entertaind while I am gone, What character and Book is it where the character hates the phrase "killing time"? Massive props and maybe even a cookie for whoever gets it right!

Explosion of Thought

There are so many things I want to do, but I often wonder if or when or even sometimes should I do them...

I want to get my Ph.D. but I wonder if I am "supposed" to do that , if it is my purpose. I also worry that I am just not smart enough, skilled enough, dedicated enough, ect and that I am going to start yet another thing and not finish it.

I want to travel the world, and am currently in a position that I could feasibly do so with some careful planning. But I ask myself is it a wise choice? and I say probably not...

All of my life I have put off doing things because I have had responsibitites to people other than myself. Now I don't. I am only responsible to myself and obviously to God. But as an adult, which I have reluctantly acknowledged that I am, indeed an adult, being responsible to myself requires that I make wise decisions for myself. So, no I can't buy things that I want just because I can, I can't help everybody who I want to, I can't just take off and travel around the world...

I have been a Christian for a little more than 10 years, but most of my growth has been during the last 6 months, I was a different person when I got saved, but am so much more different now that I don't even recognize the me of six months ago let alone more than 10 years ago... Sometimes the changes are scary even though they are definitely for the better.

I am more comfortable with myself now. For the longest time I was always worried about what other people thought about me. Not so much anymore. I still do sometimes and it is one of those insecurities that pop up when I am not feeling wonderful, but I, for the most part, just don't care anymore. Every last person I love could turn their backs on me and I would still be okay, I would be hurt monumentally, but I would not be as devastated as I would have been even a year ago. Why? Because there is someone who will never turn His back on me...ever. And I get it...

All of the exciting and big changes happened when Jesus ceased being the smiling character in Sunday School stories and became real to me. This didn't happen overnight, and it was not a painfree experience, but it has been so worth it.

So, I realize this post is very scrambled, it is late, and I am pretty tired, so I shall leave you now...