missing?

It has been one of those long weeks. Walking through the desert, not good emotionally or physically or basically anything weeks.

To avoid coming off as a whiner, I've avoided the blog. But I am in a bleak, bleak, place right now. If you pray, please pray for me. I am stressed beyond all reason and am sick of crying at the drop of a hat. I am in much pain, both emotionally and physically. And I am soul weary and bone tired.

You get what you ask for...

Last night was the first time in a while where I cried myself to sleep. I just became so overwhelmed by the suckiness of my reality that I couldn't help it.

I am not so deluded or self-centered to believe that my reality is any worse that anyone else's but sometimes I just can't hold it together.

Now that my brief but wonderful stint of joy at the thought that I might not be completely repulsive to all humans of the male gender is over, I am resigned to the reaffirmation that I am a swamp monster. This is what started the line of thought that led me to tears, but isn't what actually made me cry.

What broke my heart was the renewed realization that I will never know what my mom thinks about anyone or anything in my life ever again. Neither will I know the same about my grandmother. I've realized this for awhile, but for now, the thought of that makes me incredibly sad.

I won't know if my family thinks that my future husband (if there ever is one) is a good or bad pick for me. I won't get to see their reaction to my finally graduating, and with honors no less! I don't get to have poud parents attending things like honors convocation or graduation. And since I am a swamp monster, I'll have no husband to attend them either.

I know I am never really alone, but there are just days when I feel like I am, and this was one of them.

This post makes no sense... But it is my blog!

Okay, here it is in all of its gory glory.

I took this weekend to pray and make some decisions. I am not going to share them here in my blog. In fact, if you don't know me in real life this post will make no sense to you at all, so you might as well stop reading now. Even if you do, it might not make sense but you know I rarely make sense anyhow.

I know that some of those decisions are going to make some of you, my dear friends, think I am insane.

I assure you I am not.

I know that there are some things I am sacrificing by having made the decisions I have made, and that is okay with me. It really is.

Please, if you are going to judge me, keep it to yourselves. I am not interested in condemnation from anyone. If you want to get all high and mighty and throw scripture at me, be forewarned, I have scriptures of my own to throw back.

If, on the other hand you truly care about me, just pray. This has been a long a difficult process, and my heart is still tender and bruised and would like not to be poked at for awhile.

Will you see any big changes in my life? Probably not. At least not for awhile.

I am coming home from what has been a cherished and God appointed opportunity to rest and totally just get it all out with my Abba.

My aunt is a saint for basically letting me come up and eat her food and sleep for long periods of time during the day, and not having any responsibilities shoved in my face, so that in the wee quiet hours, I could wrestle with my thoughts. I am blessed to have her in my life. And now she is trying to feed me again. I am going to come home weighing 300 pounds, I swear.

SpoilerWarning!

I am not about to give away any movie endings, but I am about to sound spoiled.


Lately I feel unappreciated. Not by any one person in particular, but by life in general. I feel like I am invisible to people, unless I am doing something wrong.

Why can't the good things I do be seen? Why is it that the only feedback I am getting is negative?


Oh Well,I shall have to suck it up.

My apologies for the angst.

frightened

I have been feeling a need to do some things in my life lately.

One thing is that I need to tell someone my life story, ALL of it, not just the parts it doesn't hurt to tell. I am kind of afraid to scare people away, or bore them to tears, but I feel a need to do this. I am not talking about a whole "On Sunday, September 20th 1981 at 9:53 am I was born" type telling, I am talking about the bits of me that no one knows about. The bits that make me afraid that anyone who knows will be so appalled they'll never talk to me again.

The idea is both really frightening, and extremely appealing at the same time...

Intelectually I know that nothing I could say would send my real friends running, but there is that super insecure part of me that keeps saying "you don't have any real friends" and it makes me deeply afraid...

I just don't know what to do.

Rough Day

Having a rough day, and that has unfortunately exploded into me having a cranky attitude at everyone. I am sorry if that crankiness has affected anyone else.

I am not cranky because of anything that happened, or anyone, it is just one of those days.

I know I struggle with some hardcore spiritual/emotional issues, and it is just one of those bad days.

It is one of those days where I need to do serious battle in the spiritual realm.

I need to do so many things, but this needs to become a priority, because it is interrupting my life.

I am seriously just in need of some quality time, time I am not going to get if I sit here blogging while watching TV...

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Yay for Librarians!

Today was the regional library holiday breakfast. I had a lot of fun. I might actually go again next year.

It is official. I am going to tke the incomplete. And try not to feel so loserish about it.

Today I am in pain. A Lot. And I wish it would go away.

And I am in need of some sleep.
BUT...
I don't have to be anywhere until 2 tomorrow, Hooray!!! So I can sleep in!

The New Librarian Movie come out on Sunday at 8 on TNT. I am excited for cheesy made-for-TV movies about librarian adventure heroes!

Apologies in Advance

Warning: I am brutally honest about how I feel in here, and I may offend someone, but it is my blog. I am however, open to discussion.

Today has been miserable.

I tried to get appointments with 4 doctors. One is out of town, one doesn't see cash patients, one (school) didn't call me back and I will call again tomorrow. The last one was the chiropractor who doesn't see people with "disk issues" (which I thought was wierd)

If I can't get one soon, I am just gonna have to go to Harbor General and plead for mercy.

I don't know why it got really bad all of a sudden, but I know that every time it does, I am forced to confront certain realities.

One is that I am too fat. And that is the main reason I have this problem. As excited as I am to weigh so much less than I used to. (I haven't weighed this little in approx 15 years) I am still too fat.

Another reality is a conundrum that I know I am not the only one to face. Nor have I faced it in as stark a reality as others have. And that is that sometimes God's answer to prayer is different from what we'd like it to be. I know that I have changed for the better as a result of having this pain, but there are times like today when not having grown in the ways I have is a tempting exchange for a lack of pain.

The youth are going through the book of Mark in their Bible study and for the first time last night I was able to admit that this is a hard Bible study for me. It seems like everytime I turn a page, Jesus has healed someone or raised them from the dead. Mark 5:34 has probably been one of the most difficult passages for me to reconcile with what I have been taught. "34 And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” And we are taught that by his stripes we are healed. I firmly believe that God can heal me, and I firmly believe that God loves me. What I have problems with is that my Abba who loves me and sent his son to die for me and suffer so that I may be healed, hasn't healed me. I know that God's plans for me may be bigger than my own, but boy do I wish he had a different way of implementing them.

I sometimes feel like a bad person because this pain affects me emotionally, and I know that there are people out there who live with worse pain and have amazingly positive outlooks on life.

I am afraid of having surgery and its about 50/50 fear of pain and a loss of dignity. I would literally rather live a life of pain than have the surgery that I might be told to have. And while you may think that I am crazy for having those thoughts, I assure you anyone who has lived my life would understand. I have lived my life in the shadow of the hospital and I just can't take it any more.

This whole situation makes me far more emotional than I would like to feel. It reminds me of my situation as an interloper into other people's families and homes and I am drained just thinking about it.

Pardon the emoness. It has been a bad day.

So, I am at school ungodly early.

I have four things to work on, but in reality, I just don't want to.

I really shouldn't have taken this Colonial America class. It isn't really my interest, and it is a LOT of work. I also don't need it. But it is basically too late. It should be interesting though.

I am kinda hungry but just ate like 3 hours ago and so I shouldn't be.

I did get my grad check done, I just need to have Dr. Jeffers sign off on it and I am good to go.

I have been asked what I want for my birthday and the reality of it is that I just don't know. Anything I want isn't something anyone could give me (except for God) and although I know there is stuff I want, it isn't anything I would ask for lol.

I feel like I am going through a Eustace experience with God lately.(Eustace from Narnia LOL) He is stripping things away from me, and while I recognize the neccesity and benefit of this, I wish it wasn't so painful. I can't wait for this period to be over.... I especially dislike the removal of my guard walls, I HATE feeling vulnerable all the time.

My cousins are taking me out for dinner for my birthday on thursday. It should be fun, I like hanging out with them.

Bleh... I hate being angsty all the time too....

okay Rant over.....

On a lighter note I saw that they have created this kit for slice and bake cupcakes....Yum.. the epitome of laziness......

The Road to Hell....

So, my intentions were to blog more regularly than I do currently. They were also to go on a diet, get my room cleaned, return all of my library books, stay on schedule with my reading, and get my grad school applications finished.

I have failed at all of these.

I need to get with it, but all I really want to do is sleep. Not that I do, of course. I haven't been sleeping well. It is a combination of having too much on my mind, and some really weird dreams, but I have only been getting about 3-5 hours of sleep every night. I am a seven hours is ideal person, and I have been getting not enough for me.

I have postponed my diet indefinitly, but am making better choices. And I have been loosing weight, so I am not gonna let myself stress about that.

I would get my room clean if I had time to do so.

I need to return my books, as they are all so late that they appear to be lost.

I need to catch up on reading. I could read while I am lying awake at night, but I do need to retain what I read, so I am not sure if that is a good idea.

And grad school apps. What to do about those? I know that I need to fill them out, but there is a portion of them that I am stuck on. The statement of purpose. This is supposed to tell the school why I want to go there, and why I would be a good addition to their student body. For grad school it also is supposed to convey to them the desire to financially support me while finishing my degree program.

So, here is a good portion of my stress and angst. I also have emotional things going on, but I don't feel like writing about those.

What is great/ frustrating is that I know in the midst of all of this madness, that God is in control of everything. And He does watch over me, but I need all of this plus other stuff to be over.

I have been contemplating the finishing of my trip posts, but I am kind of over it to be honest. Anyone who really wants to see the pics can see them when I get them scrapbooked.

Okay...explosion of angst over...

The soundtrack to my heart lately...

Is an awful lot of Jeff Deyo Songs.

I am trying to juggle all of my conflicting thoughts and emotions into a sensible post because I can feel the pressure building and I know if I can't get them all out soon, I will explode into a gooey mess of emotastic-ness. I've been having weird trippy dreams that are so vivid that I can't shake them after I wake up, I am getting ready to go into a schedule overload and I really don't want to. There are things I need to get out, but can't because I don't want to hurt those I love. I really, really need a hug, and not just a hello hug, but don't like being touched by most people. And even if I was hugged I would probably collapse into a puddle and that's the last thing I want...

I know that the next few months are going to be a challenge and a struggle, but I also know that God would never ask me to do anything I was incapable of. If nothing else, I can already declare that these upcoming days are going to require me to rely on God more than ever before. This is both exciting and frightening.

Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!

I wish I has a depressurization button somewhere!

Lyrics Running through my head...

"You are God
You command the oceans
You ride on the heavens
You restore my soul"

"Together we will seek You
Forever we will praise You
You are the Father of our hearts"

"There's not one thing
That means as much to me as
You my God, as You my King"

"Here in the darkness
I lift my eyes to You
Your light comes shining through"

"Master, be my Savior
Be my shelter, be my God"

"Here in this silence
I hear You speak my name
And I cry out to You"

"Unveil my eyes
So I can know You’re here
You’re here"

"Your love, it overtakes me
And makes me who I am
As I am undone
In light of Your glory"

"Take apart this world
That I have made
Make this heart aware
Of more than me
Reveal to me the depths
Of who You are
And come and teach me like a child
To trust Your heart"

"Saturate my life,
Fill every part of me with You
Drown me in Your love,
Let me lose myself in You."

"I gladly come to You,
I want no place to hide
I'm pouring out my heart
To give You room."

"Welcome sweet Spirit
Come stir me with Your fire
Whisper Your secrets
Your deepest hearts desire"

"I will obey
I will be true
I will be poured out
Just for You"

"Fill me with Your purpose
Place Your Kingdom in my heart
Let Your Holy Spirit
Fall on me"

And not Jeff Deyo but also in my head...

"Open up the sky
Fall down like rain
We don't want blessings
We want you"

Standing on an Iceberg....

Yes, I officially have cold feet. With Under a week to go, I am finally freaking out in a major way. I spent a good portion of the evening trying to back-out of my trip, but neither Sarah nor Nate were going to let me get away with that.

I really would rather stay home guys...

I don't know what I was thinking...

I don't want to go...

AAAARRRGGGHHHH!

I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!