Apologies in Advance

Warning: I am brutally honest about how I feel in here, and I may offend someone, but it is my blog. I am however, open to discussion.

Today has been miserable.

I tried to get appointments with 4 doctors. One is out of town, one doesn't see cash patients, one (school) didn't call me back and I will call again tomorrow. The last one was the chiropractor who doesn't see people with "disk issues" (which I thought was wierd)

If I can't get one soon, I am just gonna have to go to Harbor General and plead for mercy.

I don't know why it got really bad all of a sudden, but I know that every time it does, I am forced to confront certain realities.

One is that I am too fat. And that is the main reason I have this problem. As excited as I am to weigh so much less than I used to. (I haven't weighed this little in approx 15 years) I am still too fat.

Another reality is a conundrum that I know I am not the only one to face. Nor have I faced it in as stark a reality as others have. And that is that sometimes God's answer to prayer is different from what we'd like it to be. I know that I have changed for the better as a result of having this pain, but there are times like today when not having grown in the ways I have is a tempting exchange for a lack of pain.

The youth are going through the book of Mark in their Bible study and for the first time last night I was able to admit that this is a hard Bible study for me. It seems like everytime I turn a page, Jesus has healed someone or raised them from the dead. Mark 5:34 has probably been one of the most difficult passages for me to reconcile with what I have been taught. "34 And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” And we are taught that by his stripes we are healed. I firmly believe that God can heal me, and I firmly believe that God loves me. What I have problems with is that my Abba who loves me and sent his son to die for me and suffer so that I may be healed, hasn't healed me. I know that God's plans for me may be bigger than my own, but boy do I wish he had a different way of implementing them.

I sometimes feel like a bad person because this pain affects me emotionally, and I know that there are people out there who live with worse pain and have amazingly positive outlooks on life.

I am afraid of having surgery and its about 50/50 fear of pain and a loss of dignity. I would literally rather live a life of pain than have the surgery that I might be told to have. And while you may think that I am crazy for having those thoughts, I assure you anyone who has lived my life would understand. I have lived my life in the shadow of the hospital and I just can't take it any more.

This whole situation makes me far more emotional than I would like to feel. It reminds me of my situation as an interloper into other people's families and homes and I am drained just thinking about it.

Pardon the emoness. It has been a bad day.