Shots, Jobs, and Academia

Firstly, to my friends that are concerned about my getting shots when I was ill. I was concerned too and I asked to Dr. and she said it would be okay, if I was more ill then it would've been an issue. She took my temp and bp and asked a million questions first and then said that if I was worried I could wait, but that there was no reason to.

Secondly, today was full of win. On Tuesday, I told my two bosses about my trip and then explained that I was going to need roughly a month off work. I also explained that I realized that it was really bad timimg for the library, (Summer reading program is a crazy time to have anyone off) and that if they felt it was going to be too much to worry about staffing then I would render my last day as the week before my trip. My bosses thanked me for giving them a heads up and asked if they could have a few days to discuss the matter. I said, "absolutely" and went back to work. Well today I came in and it was pretty quiet and I was hanging out in the back waiting for my shift to start and I was thinking that they already knew and maybe they didn't want to tell me cuz it was bad news. And then Melissa went to lunch and came back and then I was getting ready to go on lunch and then she suddenly said, "Oh, I should've told you this earlier, but we've decided to work with you on your vacation." and then Marcia said "We realize this is a great opportunity for you, and we want you to have a good time." I said "Thank you Jesus!" (Yes literally) and then went to go get my lunch So hooray! I get to go to Russia and keep my job that I love!

Today was also a win at school for various reasons, including that I got a B+ on a popquiz. I ususally don't like the Bs but I am having a hard time with all of the New Deal acronyms so I'll take what I can get.

I also found out that the Film as History class I have been campaining for will be offered next Spring by either of two professors that I really enjoy. That is a total win.

Tomorrow is yet another fun day day of classes, and then I am volunteering to help with the reception that the History Dept is throwing for the keynote speaker of the Inaugaration af President Dr. Mildred Garcia, which means I will be (like) the only non-senior history student in attendance at said reception. I am having fun exploring all of the interesting activities the world of academia brings with it. And then....

Friday, the Innaugaration is from 10-12 then I will be booking it to get to the Hawthorne Library by 1 so I can go to Circ Training 1, which will get out by 5 so I can book it back home so I can leave on the camping trip! Yay!

What is not yay? I have a presentation on my research paper on gays in the 1920's and 30's in America that I am not going to have time to work on, so guess who gets to work on a research paper while on a camping trip? Me!

And I have to read still tonight afore I go to sleep so this shall be all from me today...

How Distractable I am...

I was looking up a good title idea and got distracted by wikipedia...LOL

Today was an amazing day...

I booked my trip! Yay! (full details soon)

I got my shots, which makes me a responsible traveler. (and I didn't cry or freak out!)I am now immune from Tetanus for 10 years and Hepatitis A for forever I think (as long as I get the next shot in October)

I feel better than yesterday. I ate real food today!

I had a good day at school. (It is rare that I don't but I like it extra better when I do)

I have amazing friends. (Massive Props to Stacee who has agreed to take me to the airport at 4 am!)

I picked up some extra hours tomorrow...

I am really tired and have a long week/day ahead of me so I'll go for now...

Post-it

I might as well write this now as to later when I may be asleep. I am still ill. I actually stayed home from school although I did try to go to class today. When I was in the shower I decided that I was exhausted and instead of getting dressed I would just go back to bed. I am at least keeping food down now. Yay! I ate about 2 1/2 hours ago and so far so good.

I am sad that I missed class but I know that I have really good friends who will tell me everything I missed.

I am booking my trip tomorrow. I will be gone from July 23rd to August 11th, and then one of the weeks either before or after I will be at my aunts house for a few days.

My Getty trip...postponed again...

And I am ill so this is just so I can say I blogged today...

Spinner's End

I went to a Spinner's concert tonight with Sarah. I was told I was going to a jazz concert. It was definitely not jazz. It was a pretty good concert, people seemed to be enjoying themsleves.

We ran into my friend Clara there. I love Clara. She is amazing! She sits through 4 classes a week with me and is still my friend. (A big deal for those of you who swear they will never take another class with me again. And she has done this for 2 classes each semester for two semesters.)

I also went to get an eye exam, my eyes aren't that much worse than they were last time, but there was a small change in my prescription. It just seems like they are really bad because I never wear my glasses. Now I can get glasses and be able to see!

Tomorrow I am going to the Getty Villa in Malibu with Denise and some friends from school. This is the same trip that was supposed to happen last week but got postponed.

I am waiting for a final email with totals for my trip and I should be booking it during the next week or so. I am really excited and really scared at the same time. But I just feel that now is the time, and that I am not going alone (I'll be in a tour) and more importantly, Jesus is going with me and He's all I really need anyhow. But I feel that this trip is going to be a catalyst for a paradigm shift, and I am excited to see how my worldview is going to shift with this new experience. More actual fun details after I book my trip...


(yay for those who realize that many of my title's have a theme)

Super Fast Redux

So, tonight was the seder at church. It was interesting... I have good friends... Jesus is amazing... I am exhausted... more details tomorrow maybe, or Sunday...might be mondy before I actually have time for some deep reflection... Super busy this weekend...

Nestle's Quick

I found out from my professor today that she got the grant that she applied for and that means that I will officially be her research assistant next fall. I am really excited because this is an excellent opportunity for me, and will look great on my CV (which is a fancy sort of resume).

I have the first day of my training for the new computer systems at work tomorrow, and I hope it isn't super lame.

I helped out for a little bit at church tonight with Helping Hands. It is always amazing to see just what God can and does do through that ministry. There were 69 families that were given food this evening. And it always amazes me how there is always just enough food. Some guys brought in a bunch of bread tonight, and that helped out immensly.

I played Skip-Bo at the Dreilings house tonight. It was a lot of fun. As usual I lost, but I always have fun playing games.

I hope to have definite plans for Russia within two weeks! LOL!

I have been having some random spiritual insights, and once I get them sorted out, I might post.

I am really tired and I need to go to bed, so I'll sign off for now.

Russia or Bust

I am so in the process of planning a trip to Russia! And I have a few quote requests out and can't wait to see what responses I get.

That is all I have to say for now...

One Short Day...

So on Thursday, I was taking my midterm and I completely blanked as soon as the professor handed me my test. I was really freaking out, I frantically struggled for the answers to the questions that I had just been able to discuss with not only one of my classmates, but also with the professor earlier in the morning. It was not pretty, let me tell you. I sat there pleading with my brain to give me anything and still nada. I prayed about four different times, and I still felt completely hopeless. I finally just started writing everything I could remember down in the bluebook covers, in hopes of triggering something.

Well, today I got my test back and I really didn't want to see what my grade was. But I looked and literally my jaw hit the floor when I saw my grade. I got 19.5 out of 20! I was thrilled beyond reason. Really! It is assignments like this that often make me wonder if I am crazy to be wanting to get a Ph.D. and it is the jubilation I feel when stuff like that happens that reminds me that though I may be cray, I am happy!

I know that I am school obsessed and that it has a tendency to reach levels of unhealthiness, but I also know that part of my obsession is a serious case of insecurity. I was talking to one of my professors who told me that I am harder on myself than anyone else and that while it makes my scholarship (the verb, not the financial kind) superior, it is going to give me a stress related illness if I don't relax.

I sent out an email today to the history club with a typo in it. No one caught it but the dept chair. I accidentally wrote CSDUHHistoryclub instead of CSUDHHistoryclub... I was embarrassed at my mistake, then more so when I realied that my typo said CS DUH History Club LOL! Oh well...

I sent away for a quote on my Russia vacation that I am always going on about. I was palnning on going next summer, but the more I think about it, the more that this summer sounds like a good idea... Oh well I have a 60 page speech by Kruschev to read so I'll let this be all for tonight...

Remotely Controlled

This blog is being written ridiculously early in the day from a remote location in the Loker Student Union on the campus of CSUDH.

I am trying to distract myself so I don’t melt down in the middle of my school day. I am feeling overwhelmed by a fresh wave of grief from the riddikulus task of reading about the New Deal. Riddikulus in that it is making me cry, not the actual task of reading about it.

I was just sitting here and I was thinking about how much grandma appreciated FDR and all of the help that the New Deal gave to the American people. And I really wanted to talk to her, and it hit me again that I can’t anymore… And I started to cry… in public… I don’t know why it bothers me that I cry in public, but it does. I really want to close up my computer and run to a much less public place, but I need my battery to charge before my next class.

I am texting Denise in hopes that she will help distract me and thankfully, she does.

But I am still quietly crying while sitting here at my computer. I have given up on studying and will just have to face my pop quiz with the knowledge in my brain and hope that I remember everything. (Update... there was no pop quiz)

While sitting here I realized that in all of the craziness of trying to get moved and find a place to live, I haven’t really given myself time to decompress. I keep saying that I grieved before she died, and in the first few days after, but really, I know that I need to allow myself time to reflect on grandma. I might make this involve an art project.

I worry about grieving healthily and I know walking around pretending to be alright all the time is not good, but I also recognize that being a weepy mess every waking minute is not healthy either. How to allow myself time to mourn in a healthy way?

...........................................................

many hours later...

I am at home and in my bed and I got to go to Ikea and look for some storage. I need some sheets too just so I can actually not have to wash my sheets all in one day.

I got to get most of my homework for tomorrow done while waiting for peeps at Target.

I have many things to do tomorrow and Wednesday, and then I have some me time (I think)on Thursday, Friday is training for work and then the Seder at church, Saturday I work and then am going to go to a jazz concert. Sunday is church (yay) and Star Trek Night Monday I have school, Tues and possibly Wednesday I have work and then Thursday I think is a Bible Study Friday is training and then it is off to a camping trip for some much needed rest. The Monday after that I have a presentaton on my research paper due at school, and then it is a quick two weeks until school is out.

Short, Sweet, and to the Point

God has blessed me with some amazing friends who make going through life better. This blog is for them ! I Love you all!

Finally!

I have reached the end of a super hectic week and am really glad that I survived. It was apparently really a fact that I should've been worried about waking up in time this morning, because I did miss my alarm and woke up at the time I was supposed to be leaving the house. That was pretty lame, but I did make it in time for my test. Which I hopefully passed.

The French Film Festival is officially over! Hooray! It was an absolute blast but I am kind of tired now and am very happy that I can take a break. Today was kind of hardcore because Dr. Talamante, who is the professor in charge of the festival was really, really sick and she had to go home right after starting the film. But Drs. Monty and Fawver came to help finish it up, but during the film it was just me and Jessica (who is pretty amazing) and at one point the dvd messed up and we were all like what do we do now? But it fixed itself and it was a very enjoyable film.

The first meeting of the history club went well, I am excited because I think that we will have a lot of fun as a club.

.......................

I love how God is faithful to reach out to us even in our busyness and in our hectic schedules to bless us. I can name at least 6 times in the last week alone when I was reminded of how much God loves me, and these reminders often came from some of the least likely people. In this past week, these moments have meant much to me and I know that they were key to my survival.

Honor's Convocation

Tonight was the honors convocation at school. I went because I was being honored for joining Phi Alpha Theta, the honor society for history majors. The ceremony was pretty enjoyable for me. I got to sit with my friend Clara and celebrate not only my own acheivements, but the acheivements of my peers. I know that we clapped extra for those graduating magna cum laude and summa cum laude because we appreciate the level of work that goes into that kind of thing.

As I was sitting there I reflected on how I have grown and matured from someone who would do anything to get out of doing homework, to someone who genuinely likes studying. I may not like studying everything, but I do like studying. I have gone from being someone who barely graduated high school to someone who was being honored for high academic acheivement. I have a goal to graduate cum laude next year and to enter into a graduate program, most likely a Ph.D. program, and I am blown away at how much I have changed.

I had a bad day at work, but for reasons of politics, I will not be sharing the details here.

I need to be at school by 7 to take the GWE test. One of my professors said that he wished they would let professors vouch for students who are excelling academically. I wish so too, but at least this isn't a test I am worried about passing. I am, however, worried about waking up in time for it, so I will sign off here...

A Long Day!!

Today was very long. But also a lot of fun.
My midterm was pretty stressful and I don't think I did super good, but it is over hooray!

I had a good beginning of the history club meeting, but I did find out that the next meeting needs to be rescheduled already because there is a departmental shindig that at least three people who are involved in the club have to be at.

The film festival was pretty interesting. It was about racism in employment in France.

I am now home and am looking forward to being in bed soon. Tomorrow is the Honors Convocation and I will post all about it tomorrow!

I promise a blog about more than just schedule stuff soon...

What this post almost was...

This was almost a post of utter emotionality, but then I decided not to go there...

I am really tired but I don't know if that is from being supremely busy or from being overemotional.

Today I went to school and then worked 8 1/2 hours. Tomorrow I will be at school all day, literally. But it should be a good day...Friday I work 8 hours and then have to go to the Honors Convocation at school. I have no clue why I am going, I should've said no. Oh well.

Staurday I wake up bright and early to take my GWE (a writing test) then I go to work for 4 hours then I rush back to school for the last film of the French Film Festival!

I really have over booked myself this week and I am tired, maybe being tired is why I am overemotional...

Tuesday

Today I am feeling a bit
Under the weather
Emotionally
So this blog of the
Day is going to be the
ANTI-BLOG, I am done now...
Yay!

Busy week breakdown...

Tonight I went to the knitting circle at church, where no one was knitting lol! We had one person sorting through pictures to scrapbook, two crocheting, one quilting, one playing video games, one drawing, two beading, one looking through her scrapbooks, and one doing homework. I love that we are all such unique people, but that we love to gather together just to fellowship...

I found some really cute owl scrapbooking paper today.

I get to go to school tomorrow! I<3 school!

I am troubled in my spirit about something but don't know how to approach the situation, hopefully with some prayer and contemplation an answer will become clear.

So, Since I am Wide Awake I mght as well at least start writing my blog of the day...

We are having Internet Issues here today, so I am going to post this and then edit it later if I can get online... (right now I am borrowing a neighbors wifi)

I just got back from the RE: twenty whatevers prayer time at the church. It was an amazing time of prayer, and now I am wide awake. I do however, need to be up in approximately 5 hours so I should go to sleep.

I'd like to point out that God is AMAZING!


Several hours later......

I am really tired. I did get to spend a good day with good friends but I just don't have anything profound to say

Tonight is hardcore!

Tonight I am planning on going to church to pray at 1 am as a part of our 24 hour prayer activity. I am going to pray for my church that I love. I am going to pray for the leaders of the church, all of whom are a blessing to me personally.

I really have no clue why I just wrote that. But I felt it needed to be written so there it is.

The last week has been amazingly crazy and next week is going to be too. Some stuff I can look forward to:

Monday: School! Yay!
Tuesday: School, Work, Back to School for the Film Festival (maybe)
Wednesday: School, Work
Thurday: School, History Club Meeting, French Film Festival (Sorry Daniel Girls, I'll have to catch up with y'all next time!)
Friday: Work and then I have been invited to attend the Honors Convocation because I have tight schoolish skills (LOL!)
Saturday: GWE at 7 am then Work until 1, then The last of the French Films
Sunday: Getty Villa with School Peeps and Evening Service @ church...

It is going to be another amazingly busy but fun week.

I often find myself trying to fit more stuff in my schedule than I should, but I like to experience life.

I hate having to feel like I should explain this but maybe it will help put my strange obsession into perspective. In high school I was a major slacker who put no effort into school and I barely graduated. Then I went to Harbor College where it was easy to pass classes even if I put zero effort into them. Then I went to Cal State Fullerton, where not only did I not put much effort into my studies but I didn't care about what I was studying. At that point I basically gave up on ever graduating college. I was going to find some no education required job that would pay the bills and be happy with that. Then one day I realized that I would never be happy if I just gave up like that, I then prayed for God to give me another chance and that I would work really hard if he did. I applied to Dominguez Hills and although most other schools would not have accepted me(because I was expelled from Fullerton) they did. And I know that me being at Dominguez Hills in the classes I have taken with the major that was randomly chosen, is all of God. I am soo thankful, that my heavenly father, who knows me better than I know myself put the right people in place to interact with me and opened all of the neccesary doors. Two of the fculty members I am closest to were not on staff at DH before last semester. I fully appreciate thier presence and guidance on both a professional and personal level.

I worry about neglecting the important things in life when I get so busy, but I know that if I concentrate even a small portion of my day, far less than I know I should on the important things, God will use them to bless me immensely.

Today, God used something that ordinarily would have seemed inconsequential or even have irritated me to Bless Me.

I serve an amazing God who loves me, even when I get too busy with the not so importnt stuff.

I might be going to sleep early tonight

So I'll blog now

I am going to house sit for my cousins in a few weeks and that should be fun.

I am struggling with expressing myself lately. Lastnight because I was sooooo tired and today because I am overwhelmed with things right now.

Last Sat. I realized that I will be graduating in about a year and then heading off to grad school, and I realized that life is moving so fast. I feel like I have been waiting forever to get to this point and now I just want to put on the brakes and say "WAIT!!! I'm not ready!"

But at the same time I am soooo excited! I think a lot of it is that I am afraid that these big changes will be more than I can handle or that I am going to do all of this work and have it not be the "right" thing that I am supposed to do.

I am torn betwenn doing what makes me happy and what everyone expects me to do.
I worry that by pursuing what I enjoy that I am going against the plans that God has for me. I worry that I am listening to my flesh and not the Holy Spirit.

And at the same time, I know that I can't let fear paralyze me.

Of all the times I've prayed for a giant neon arrow, right now I'd take even a dusty sign post...

Howdy

I am trying to write a blog a day, but to be honest, I am exhausted tonight, so I am just writing this to say that I am having a really fun but vey long week.

not up by midnight I'm sure, but I started writing at 11:30ish...

Today was jam packed full of fun and exciting changes....

First, I went to school where I had yet another class where God used the material to speak to my spirit. We watched a documentary on WWII in my Russian History Class. It was about the seige of Lenngrad and about how people were falling down dead as they walked through the streets. There wasn't fuel for fires or enough food. Women and Children were given 4 1/2 oz. of bread (that was made of non bread yuckiness) a day. Then after the winter was over they started to break apart the packed snow and ice so they could dispose of the bodies. It was a very difficult film to watch. I always feel like an idiot when it happens, but I am just so disturbed that people can act so callously towards other humans just because they are told that they are the "enemy" and so I end up crying. I actually wrote a mini blog during class.

AlthoughI know my feelings on the topic of war are strong, I will admit to having little or no knowledge about current world events, so please don't take anything I am about to type as my opinion on the Iraq situation. I just don't have enough information to formulate an opinion on the matter.

Here is what is says:

So... My feelings about War (the phenomenon) are even stronger now that I have watched this film. I find it increasingly difficult to accept the "it is for the greater/future good" reasoning behind war. War is destructive, wasteful, and evil. However, by watching this video, I have concluded that to be able to grieve for the loss of others, even in the midst of your own sufferings, is part of what makes us humsn. As long as we can look past our own pain to help those around us grieve, then humanity has some hope.

After my Russian class, I ate my yummy lunch and studied for my midterm in my holocaust class. In case you are reading this and you haven't been told. I hate that class. But after today that is no longer my problem because I dropped it. I went to take the midterm and sat down and realized that although I had just read the answer to the question an hour previously, I had no clue how to formulate or even remember the answer. So I wrote the teacher a quick note in my blue book telling him I'd be back with a drop slip. I was really kind of upset at first because I didn't want to drop a class, but I realized that if I had stayed in that class the chance of me making dean's list again was greatly diminished. I thnk it is for the best.

In between eating lunch and the midterm of doom, I watched Modern Times with Charlie Chaplin. It was, at the same time, both disturbing and hilarious.

Then I went to work. I picked up some more hours next week, and was able to convince Marcia that I should be able to leave early because I wanted to go back to school for the French Film Festival. The film for tonight was Monsieur Ibrahim, which I had the good fortune to see a portion of last semester. I returned this evening to finish the film, and enjoyed it even though it did make me cry. I think it is my fav foriegn film in French that I have seen.

I am really sleepy so I will end this post with a quick list.

Foriegn Films I have Seen:

Lola Rennt (Run Lola Run) German
Laberinto del Fauno (Pan's Labrynth) Spanish
Cinema Paradiso Italian
Hiroshima Mon Amor (Hiroshima My Love) French
Monsiur Ibrahim (Mister Abraham) French
Nochnoi Dozor (Night Watch) Russian


Of these, I particularly love: Cinema Paradiso, Lola Rennt, Laberinto del Fauno, and Monsiur Ibrahim

Hiroshima Mon AMor was a little wierd for my taste but oh well. I liked Nochnoi Dozor, but need to pay more attention the next time I watch it as it is a Russian film about vampires.

Correction

Ok...It is Simmons College in Boston for the Dual Masters Program, and Boston College for the Ph.D. LOL!

I went to school today, I learned about California in the Cold War, and PostModernist Approaches to History.

I went to work today and discovered that my project didn't save on Saturday and now I have to redo 5 hours worth of work.

The house closed this morning. WooHoo!

I don't really have much to say today. Will prolly have something better tomorrow.

School's in Again!

I went to school today and was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Happy!

What follows is a general breakdown of my day, until I reak apart the paragraphs.

I got there, we postered the campus for the film festival, and then I really had to go to the bathroom, so I made my friend Chris finish putting the posters up.
Then I spent an enjoyable morning learning about Soviet Foriegn Policy and World War II. Then I ate my lunch and talked to my friend Matt. Then I went to my US War and Depression class. Where we discussed the New Deal and talked about my friend Ashley's trip to Hawaii.

Then, although I didn't want to go to it, I went to my Holocaust class. I really don't like the class, the teacher repeats the same thing over and over again and he comes off as having the attitude "If you aren't a Jew, you are no good." and it gets old really fast.

I am really appreciative of my teachers in general, but having this professor makes me extra appreciative of the wonderful teachers that I do have.

One of my recent conundrums has been whether or not I really want to do the library thing, or if I want to pursue my Ph.D.in history exclusively. I know that Librarians are in high demand, but I have been finding less joy in my work it seems like everyday. I don't know if I just need to find a new challenge or if it is just time for me to move on. This is one of those times when I wish that God would send me a neon arrow pointing in the right direction.

After going to my graduate diversity forum thing, I am finding that most of the schools I am looking at are schools for history. There is one school where I could get a Masters degree in both History and Library Science at the same time. It looks like a really good school, and it has some great opportunities, and it would buy me some time to make decisions. The drawback, this school is in Boston. Which is really far from home. I am in a position now where I can take off and go to school on the east coast, but at the same time, I am really happy here.

I am looking at:

CSULA, Cal State Northridge, Southwest A/G, and San Diego State for the Masters in History

San Jose State for the MLS

Boston College for the dual Masters in History and Library Science

Stanford, some of the UCs, the University of Hawaii, USC and University of Washington for the Ph.D.

A lot of them are far, but I really love studying History. I want to narrow the list down and then when I send out my applications, I am going to pray over them and then the school that gives me the best financial aid offer is where I am going. This is both really exciting and exceedingly scary.

ListyLists

So today feels like a list day... So here are 5 lists to peruse as you wish...

Four Books I Recommend
1. I Dared to Call Him Father: The Miraculous Story of a Muslim Womans Encounter
with God by Bilquis Sheikh
2. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis (and the other Narnia books)
3. All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot
4. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster


8 Grad Schools I am looking At
1. Simmons College in Boston
2. San Diego State University
3. Cal State Northridge
4. San Jose State
5. Boston College
6. Southwestern A/G
7. USC (yes, it is randomly on there)
8. Cal State LA
9. Johns Hopkins in Baltimore
10.Universit of Chicago

3 Things I Randomly Want to Research
1. The Process to Refine Gold
2. Fellowships Available to ME
3. Theodore Roosevelt and Eugenics


7 Things I Need to Do
1. Go to Bed
2. Wake Up and get Ready for School
3. Poster the Campus with Film Festival Info
4. Go to my Russia Class
5. Do some HW while eating lunch
6. Go to my next two classes
7. Go to the Bank

and last but certainly not least

2 Life lessons I have learned lately
1. I don't have any clue what God has in store for me.
2. Whatever it is it is bigger and better than whatever I could dream up.

short post

I went to the Forum for Diversity in Graduate Education today. It was really interesting. I will definitely post about it tomorrow. But now I am exhauste and need to go to sleep. Yes, I realize it is early, but I got up at 5:30 after going to bed around 2 ish.

Hooray! It is Friday!

Tomorrow I am going to the Graduate Diversity something or other at UCI. I am very excited about it!

I am going to make a cute mini resume/business card to hand out to recruiters.

I just put this up so I would have a post for today, but I have lots to do. So I am gonna go do it...


Edit:

Shanna Made me a really cute resume card thingy....now we just need to get it to print!

Blunt Honesty

So, just in case I don't get home until really late...

I have totally failed at the cleaning concept although I did a little in my room this morning. I still haven't found my Daniel book. I fail at that too.

_Spoiler Warning for Enchanted Below_


In case you haven't seen it...


I did however have a new revelation about Captivating, which makes me like it more, and as usual God speaks to me in His time, not my own. And he uses pop culture to speak to me a lot. I was watching everyone's fav movie Enchanted this morning with Stacee Lianna, and I was watching the scene where Giselle gets mad at Robert, and it is also the scene where she realizes (even if she doesn't acknowledge) that she loves Robert, it is only after she allows herself to acknowledge her anger that she comes to a full revelation of her love for him. Well, if I hadn't read Captivating I would never ever be able to look at a movie romance and be able to apply that to God, but low and behold, I did read it and here I am. I, for years, have struggled with God loving me, and that got all figured out before, but I also struggled with "do I love God" (Before I get stones hurled at my head let me explain) God, the most powerful being in existence, could have done so many things differently in my life. He could've healed my mom, He could've made me miraculously skinnier and cooler so I didn't have to endure the torture of my younger years, he could've fixed my problems with my dad. But He didn't. And for years, I have struggled with loving someone who could watch me go through such pain and not do anything about it.

It has taken me watching the trials of someone who I love who has endured far greater pain than I and watching her respond with honesty and grace, that I am slowly understanding that while God was watching me in pain, it wasn't out of anger or meanness, but out of love. My friend Alexis recently wrote on her blog:

"I see Him as his tears roll down His face looking at my heartbreak. Knowing His plan will hurt me in places I didn't even know hurt could dwell... What must it be to know you are doing what needs to be done, but know it will break the heart of your very child. Not to break the heart in discipline but to allow it to break for the furthering of a plan they might never see fully."

She goes on to say:

"I wonder if I seem foolish to some, to turn my hurt and heartbreak over to the very one who allowed it in the first place? But where else would I ever find comfort? I can find no comfort but from He who has walked this road... God himself had to deny His own hearts cry and allow for the ultimate pain of watching His only son, not just die, but be beaten and abused by the very people He was laying His life down for."

I don't even know how to express my own thoughts about this, but I find that Alexis did it with such profundity, that I choose to quote her.

I have no earthly right to be angry with God, but it is through acknowledging that I am angry and releasing it that true healing can be found.

I do love God and I know that what has happened in my life has served and will continue to serve a purpose, but boy do I wish that these things didn't have to be so painful...

Wednesday Wonderings

So, I had another wierd dream last night. This one didn't involve grandma or the house though. It was just plain wierd and so vivid I think I woke up screaming. It was kinda scary too.

Today was one of those, is this really happening kind of days. I have felt like I was in a surrealist painting all day. Nothing has been that weird either, it has just been a kind of mood.

I went to work today, and that was short but good. I am in one of those phases where once I get to work I am okay, but I really don't want to go in the first place. I need to decide whether or not I am going to apply for the assistant position, it is full time and salaried, but I really am not sure if I want to do this right now. It makes perfect sense on a fiscal level, but life isn't all about the money.

I miss school.

I went to church tonight, and it was pretty good.

I hope to have some exciting news to share in a day or two that is really exciting.

I <3 Pre-service prayer.

I need to find my Daniel book so I can do my homework tomorrow.

I need to sleep because I am soooo tired.

Contemplations

Today I woke up with a relly bad migraine, I don't get them often, and when I do they aren't usually this bad. But I had the whole shebang. So I started my day off in pain. And to top it all off I have been on the verge of tears for a majority of the day.

I think it might be just a reflecton of life stress right now. Lately I have been having dreams about grandma still being alive. These don't bother me too much because I remember having them after mom died too. But its still sad to wake up and realize that she's gone. I have also been having strange dreams about the house and how I keep looking for something in the backyard. Last night the "new owner" came out of the back door and asked me to take my mail. It was a really vivid dream. It kinda weirded me out.

If we combine all the weird dreams with the horrible leg cramps I tend to get, I haven't been getting much sleep. Maybe that is why I have been super emotional lately.

I have been thinking about the things spoken at church on Sunday. I can't remember if it was morning or evening. But there were two things that stick out in my mind. And one was the challenge that somebody mentioned to go sit in a park or somewhere with people and to ask God to let you see the people you see through his eyes. I think this is an interesting idea, and may do this sometime soon, at the same time, I don't know if I am prepared to that. If God fully answered my prayer, it may rock my world more than I want it to, and I am afraid of the implications of that.

The other thing that was spoken about was on Sunday night. I know it was and while I will be open with the topic, I don't know how transparent I want to be on cyberspace. The man (with the sax) shared on Sunday night in lieu of our usual Bible Study, and I know that some of the things he shared were for me. One thing he shared was about how he had a church board that he worked with that basically stabbed him in the back, and another that showed him great kindness and mercy, and he had to forgive the first board becaus ethat is what God wanted him to do. And it was all kinda complicated, but it hit home. I don't have a church board to forgive, or to ask forgiveness of, and I am not even sure of how to go about doing what I need to do or if it is possible, but I know that it will be a barrier in my Christian Walk until I come to some sort of decision.


I know that I love Jesus, and I need to do what He commands of me, and I want to do things that will make him proud, BUT I need his help to do them.