Blunt Honesty

So, just in case I don't get home until really late...

I have totally failed at the cleaning concept although I did a little in my room this morning. I still haven't found my Daniel book. I fail at that too.

_Spoiler Warning for Enchanted Below_


In case you haven't seen it...


I did however have a new revelation about Captivating, which makes me like it more, and as usual God speaks to me in His time, not my own. And he uses pop culture to speak to me a lot. I was watching everyone's fav movie Enchanted this morning with Stacee Lianna, and I was watching the scene where Giselle gets mad at Robert, and it is also the scene where she realizes (even if she doesn't acknowledge) that she loves Robert, it is only after she allows herself to acknowledge her anger that she comes to a full revelation of her love for him. Well, if I hadn't read Captivating I would never ever be able to look at a movie romance and be able to apply that to God, but low and behold, I did read it and here I am. I, for years, have struggled with God loving me, and that got all figured out before, but I also struggled with "do I love God" (Before I get stones hurled at my head let me explain) God, the most powerful being in existence, could have done so many things differently in my life. He could've healed my mom, He could've made me miraculously skinnier and cooler so I didn't have to endure the torture of my younger years, he could've fixed my problems with my dad. But He didn't. And for years, I have struggled with loving someone who could watch me go through such pain and not do anything about it.

It has taken me watching the trials of someone who I love who has endured far greater pain than I and watching her respond with honesty and grace, that I am slowly understanding that while God was watching me in pain, it wasn't out of anger or meanness, but out of love. My friend Alexis recently wrote on her blog:

"I see Him as his tears roll down His face looking at my heartbreak. Knowing His plan will hurt me in places I didn't even know hurt could dwell... What must it be to know you are doing what needs to be done, but know it will break the heart of your very child. Not to break the heart in discipline but to allow it to break for the furthering of a plan they might never see fully."

She goes on to say:

"I wonder if I seem foolish to some, to turn my hurt and heartbreak over to the very one who allowed it in the first place? But where else would I ever find comfort? I can find no comfort but from He who has walked this road... God himself had to deny His own hearts cry and allow for the ultimate pain of watching His only son, not just die, but be beaten and abused by the very people He was laying His life down for."

I don't even know how to express my own thoughts about this, but I find that Alexis did it with such profundity, that I choose to quote her.

I have no earthly right to be angry with God, but it is through acknowledging that I am angry and releasing it that true healing can be found.

I do love God and I know that what has happened in my life has served and will continue to serve a purpose, but boy do I wish that these things didn't have to be so painful...