Contemplations

Today I woke up with a relly bad migraine, I don't get them often, and when I do they aren't usually this bad. But I had the whole shebang. So I started my day off in pain. And to top it all off I have been on the verge of tears for a majority of the day.

I think it might be just a reflecton of life stress right now. Lately I have been having dreams about grandma still being alive. These don't bother me too much because I remember having them after mom died too. But its still sad to wake up and realize that she's gone. I have also been having strange dreams about the house and how I keep looking for something in the backyard. Last night the "new owner" came out of the back door and asked me to take my mail. It was a really vivid dream. It kinda weirded me out.

If we combine all the weird dreams with the horrible leg cramps I tend to get, I haven't been getting much sleep. Maybe that is why I have been super emotional lately.

I have been thinking about the things spoken at church on Sunday. I can't remember if it was morning or evening. But there were two things that stick out in my mind. And one was the challenge that somebody mentioned to go sit in a park or somewhere with people and to ask God to let you see the people you see through his eyes. I think this is an interesting idea, and may do this sometime soon, at the same time, I don't know if I am prepared to that. If God fully answered my prayer, it may rock my world more than I want it to, and I am afraid of the implications of that.

The other thing that was spoken about was on Sunday night. I know it was and while I will be open with the topic, I don't know how transparent I want to be on cyberspace. The man (with the sax) shared on Sunday night in lieu of our usual Bible Study, and I know that some of the things he shared were for me. One thing he shared was about how he had a church board that he worked with that basically stabbed him in the back, and another that showed him great kindness and mercy, and he had to forgive the first board becaus ethat is what God wanted him to do. And it was all kinda complicated, but it hit home. I don't have a church board to forgive, or to ask forgiveness of, and I am not even sure of how to go about doing what I need to do or if it is possible, but I know that it will be a barrier in my Christian Walk until I come to some sort of decision.


I know that I love Jesus, and I need to do what He commands of me, and I want to do things that will make him proud, BUT I need his help to do them.