Strange Few Days

On Wednesday Morning I went in for the followup on my shoulder. As I expected, without the MRI, there wasn't much he could tell me that was new. He did the standard "don't let me push your arms" tests and while 2 out of the three are either normal or almost normal, there is still one test that I am failing miserably. We discussed the recent increase in pain, and how it was affecting my sleep. He decided that a good interim step until we can get the MRI (as of 845 this morning, my case is still under review) is an xray, so he ordered an xray of my shoulder. He checked for some dent in my shoulder that would indicate a dislocation, but I told him, that I have had a dislocated elbow and I remember that pain and didn't think it was the case here. He agreed, especially since there was no dent in my shoulder. We discussed pain management, and he has somehow managed to talk me into taking both ibuprofen and tylenol, even though we previously discussed avoiding tylenol because of its potential interaction with my birth control that could increase my chances of breast cancer. He said it isn't a high chance and I am only taking it if the pain is keeping me awake. So far I have managed to avoid taking any, and I hope to keep it that way.

Extra Update: I just this very second got off the phone with my doctor's assistant. Have I mentioned how much I adore her lately? My xray shows nothing causing the current issues, but does indicate an old injury that was never treated and has left a bone fragment in a weird place. I have my theories on how that happened, but I think that needs to be hashed out in therapy, not on my blog. We also discussed the issues I have been having with getting my physical therapy started at the new referral place and I told her I was irritated and that they honestly don't seem that interested in treating me. There are a couple of alternatives available, and I am going to work on getting it sorted today. I miss my old PT and wish I could afford to just pay for it myself.

Other than that, I had him check out my left ear, which has been feeling weird lately. I was afraid I either had a bug or some Shrek level wax buildup going on. But no, I had a piece of hair that was tickling my eardrum. It seriously felt weird. My ear has been irrigated and I no longer feel as though there is something weird in my ear. Also, after I mentioned my fear of the Shrek wax I was told I have really clean ears. Ha!

Yesterday (and today) I had cereal for breakfast. I forgot how much I missed cereal. I hadn't had any since my diagnosis because I was afraid of the carb counts, but I found that I can have Special K and a half cup of milk for under 30 carbs! This is a total win, because we all know how much I hate eggs. I could even add a slice of my froofy bread and some pb and come in with an acceptable carb count.

Yesterday, I did something stupid and am pretty sure I had my first real low blood sugar reaction because of it. I used my lunch break to get my xray and so all I had eaten until 630 at night was that bowl of cereal, a clementine, and about 8 Jelly Beans (eaten when I realized I needed some sugar). I took my pills and then had a fairly active day at work too. It was not my intention to skip lunch, it just happened. I will make sure not to do that again. I ate almost a hundred carbs at dinner, forgot my evening pills and my morning blood sugar was still in a good range (signs it was really low the night before) I didn't bother going home to test, because I was hungry, and because there were people waiting for me at the restaurant. I am always afraid I will lose my meter (and more importantly my vial of test strips), so I don't like to carry it around, but maybe I need to risk it.

I have a friend staying with me on and off again for a little bit while his housing situation gets sorted. I feel bad because he is basically crashing on my living room floor. It is a sign that my guest room needs a bed, and to not have craft supplies, purses, stuffed animals, and souvenirs scattered all over it. That is something for me to work on today, after I make a bajilliony phone calls to try to get my MRI, and go on a lunch date with my favorite person :) I am super excited about that last part.

Anyhow, I have no other thoughts at this time, the next week or so is busy, but I am happiest when busy, because then I am at least not bored. And because I am getting it sorted, my guest room will be ready for when people come visit me, or if my other friend needs to stay closer to work because her commute sucks.

Short and angsty

Yesterday kinda sucked.... a lot. But it wasn't really anything super negative towards me, I just hate it when my friends go through deep stuff.

I work the next three days and I am supposed to go in for a follow up on my shoulder tomorrow morning, but since I haven't been able to get an MRI yet, don't really know what is up on that front. I do know it still hurts and I would like it to stop now.

I did not sleep well last night and I am already feeling it this morning, but I just gotta keep going until today is done. I am almost ready to head out the door, but seriously just want to crawl back in bed.

Adventures in Burgerland

Today, my amigos and I were supposed to go to Lunchbox Laboratory for lunch after work. One of them had a last minute thing come up and asked if we could go later in the day. At the point when it became "later" everyone was too hungry to drive all the way to Gig Harbor, so we ended up at Red Robin. I have been there three times in the last 8 days. :/ I like it okay, and since I wasn't paying two of the times I am not complaining, but I could honestly use a break.

We had a pretty entertaining evening, and although my blood sugar was on the high side so I avoided any non vegetable/ non dairy carbs, I still enjoyed my dinner.

My one friend and I went to Central Market while we were waiting for the third person, and we explored the Asian snack foods section. I found some Ramune flavored gummies which are 30 carbs for 8 of them. I love and miss both Ramune and gummies so I went ahead and picked some up. I am looking forward to trying them out. I also got some HiChews which are 4 carbs each, and some diet orange cream soda. I also scored some of my thin sliced whole wheat bread on sale so I can make sandwiches for lunch this week.

Work was standard for Amazon day, and I went to help my homie when I was done because he still had a bunch of parcels left. I got stupid lost trying to find some of these locations (on routes I don't know) and my GPS thought I was in the ocean. It was frustrating, but I finished them.

Tomorrow should be a good, but slightly stressful day. I, however will report on that later, as I didn't get enough sleep last night and I am now going to start getting ready for bed.

mostly work stuff, a small update on the MRI, some dietary musings

I am irritated. But not at TDC. They have been trying to get authorization for the last week. I love The Doctor's Clinic, they are a truly awesome group of medical professionals.

Well, it is an absolute pain in the you-know-what to have to deal with the worker's comp stuff. TDC contacted me this afternoon saying that they can't get authorization for an MRI because my case file is still "under review" They only have 30 days to review it and that ended yesterday. :| Of course, when I tried to call they were closed. I shall have to hope they have someone in the office tomorrow during their "normal operating hours" At this point I think my initial diagnosis of an acute rotator cuff sprain is probably accurate, but both the doctor and myself want to make sure, so that this doesn't come back to haunt me in the future should it be more than a sprain.

I went to a work potluck today, I ate pretty sensibly, although I really want some form of yummy cheesy baked pasta dish now. Serious amounts of cravings for pasta have been ensuing lately. But, I got to eat Chicken Katsu last night, which I have been wanting for weeks now. I only ate the salad and the chicken with some of the katsu sauce in an attempt to not consume as many carbs. It makes me nervous when I can't look up how many carbohydrates are in something. I could only find listings for katsu that included rice and since I wasn't eating rice, I had no clue. My blood sugar was okay both times I checked it after so not stressing it too much. I am a little nervous about what my blood sugar will be when I check it this evening, since I had no clue on what was in what that I ate this morning. It was all yummy too. (I seriously want more of that pasta) I should find out who made it and get the recipe. A huge shoutout to the coworker that made sure to bring a meat product to the "vegetarian" potluck (it was a farewell potluck for a coworker who is pescatarian, and that idea confused so many people, I had three people ask me what all she would eat, so many people thought pescatarian meant vegan lol) Most of my coworkers know I am diabetic at this point, so the coworker who organized the potluck made sure to bring meat and salad for me to eat, so I wouldn't look sadly at all of the carbs and be left out. (in a hilarious note, no one brought dessert this time and usually we have no food and all desserts, so I provided dessert, and when I walked in carrying a tray of cookies, a pie and some carrot cake, another coworker said "Why did you bring those? You can't eat them!" My response was very much along the lines of no one brought dessert and I AM going to eat a very small piece of carrot cake (I totally bought it just so I could have some LOL)

I have fun plans to hang out after work on Sunday with my amigos from work that involve things like cheeseburgers and a mini road trip! Only to Gig Harbor, but it is about 45 minutes away. We are going to Lunchbox Laboratory, a)because I have a coupon and b) because we can and c) I "owe" one of them a cheeseburger for saving my butt the other day.

Other than the potluck today and doing a whole route by myself yesterday (even the casing which is a first) Work is pretty uneventful. The "Matrix" has been redone and I am officially no longer the sub for the route that I was originally assigned to. This is partially awesome because that one was only guaranteed every other Saturday work, and because that route hates me. I now have one route on which I am the primary sub (once a week) One route on which I am the secondary sub (but the primary is going on Maternity leave, so that will be mine for a while as well) and two routes which am tertiary. I like all of those routes and there are at least 2 more routes I know well enough to carry in the event of an emergency. So, I know 6 of the 14 routes acceptably, although I need to learn them better to increase my delivery speed. (there are 5 additional routes that I could probably do in a pinch, but I would almost definitely need help with them. That leaves 3 for me to learn, eventually...

I am getting pretty hungry so I should check the blood sugar and explore my fridge for dinner options. (sadly that will not include cheesy pasta and more carrot cake)

Quack!

Today, I went for a walk, and it is still more cold than I prefer to walk in, I need to figure out a cold weather exercise solution. I also changed my route and walked towards the "duck pond" near my house. I love the ducks! They are fun to look at, although it is more of a roadside ditch filled with water than an actual duck pond.

My shoulder still hurts, but I am heading back to work tomorrow. Mostly so I won't be completely broke.

The pain combined with medicine induced extreme hunger led to me having a really high blood sugar reading last night. Highest I have had since my diagnosis, but not so high I need to notify my physician. That was one reason why I faced the cold (it is not that cold, but I am chilly) to take a walk today. I also made sure to eat more protein with my breakfast this morning to help keep me fuller longer. Then I was really not hungry again until dinner, although I had a clementine for a snack around lunch time. My blood sugar is back in its happy range and I had tacos for dinner. Mmmmm!

I hit a new low weight, which is nice since I gained some of my previous weight loss back. I am trying to keep any weight loss at a more moderate rate, but am still trying to find the happy medium between losing too quickly and gaining. At this point I would really like to lose at a rate of 1-2 lbs a week, but so far this week I have lost six without really trying. I have another week until I get weighed again and I am hoping I won't lose too much more before then, I don't want to get the "your rate of weight loss is concerning me" speech when I go to the doctor.

I am finding myself in the fun position of actually having friends up in Washington. I am, as usual significantly older than my friends, but that has been true for most of my life, so it is a familiar place to be. It has been a rough year or so since I moved up here, mostly because I haven't had many opportunities to be social, and it has been a bit lonely. I am enjoying more chances to get out and about and to have fun with varying people with different interests.

I was able to procure our tickets to see Five Iron Frenzy in March! I am super excited!

Still no news on the MRI, but am hoping to find out soon.

Pain in the...

Therapy was really productive yesterday, we looked at how different events from my past have influenced who I am now, and how I react to various situations. It was rough for me to admit to the fact that some things affected me way more than I ever pretend. We discussed how even long after something has happened and is no longer a gaping wound in your heart, there can be scars and just like scar tissue in the body, this can hinder the healthy function of your emotional health. But I am looking forward to continuing to work towards a healthier mental state by actively addressing issues, instead of trying to ignore them.

After therapy we (my love and I) went out to dinner and I had a grilled chicken salad, still trying to make better decisions but live a normal life.

After dinner we went to Trader Joes. It was fun getting to do something pretty mundane together. I found some mini ice cream mint sandwich cookie things that are amazing, and only 9 carbs each. I also grabbed some fig and olive crisps to enjoy with my bovre cheese and a salad to eat for a meal (it was planned for lunch today, but I ended up bringing it home, and will probably eat it for dinner.

I went into work today intending to carry a route that I was scheduled on, but after an hour or so, the pain in my shoulder made it very apparent that I shouldn't be working. I have been having difficulty sleeping for the last few days because of the pain, but I am seriously irritated that it is now interfering with my ability to work. Wanted to discuss the issue with my doctor but he is out of the office until next week. I am going to continue with my standing orders, until I can get in to see him. I have an appointment on Wednesday for a follow up so worst case, I just have to make it a week. :/ If the pain gets any worse I can call the clinic and one of his colleagues can prescribe something, but in reality I would like the person with the hands on knowledge of everything to make any calls on prescriptions.

I am still waiting to hear back about my MRI, but I know my doctor really wanted the results by next Wednesday. At this rate, I don't think that is going to happen.  I also haven't heard back from physical therapy. At this point I would love to know if it really is a tear or just a sprain. (Please be just a sprain!)

That's my today (and yesterday) and other than icing my shoulder and watching Criminal Minds, I have no plans for the rest of the day.

Reading Recap

So, I just read someone's blog post where she listed the top 20 books she has read in the last 10 years. I can't remember the top 20 books I have read in the past 10 years, but I do know I would like to read more than I have the last year or so.

I can admit that I only finally read The Hobbit a couple of years ago, and while I enjoyed it, I still prefer The Lord of the Rings.

My favorite read of the last decade is probably The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. I've read it twice and may add it to the reread list when I finish my current book.

My most unexpected find is The Parasol Protectorate Series by Gail Carriger. It is a Victorian-era steampunk paranormal romance series that, at first seems like the last thing I would pick up to read, but I ended up really enjoying the first book, Soulless and immediately devoured the rest of the series.

My favorite kid's series that I discovered in the last decade is easily the Fablehaven series by Brandon Mull. I have read the entire series at least twice and it is easily my favorite since Percy Jackson and The Red Pyramid Series from Rick Riordan. I am currently reading the last book in Riordan's Lost Heroes series, and while enjoyable, find it to be less engaging than Percy Jackson, and honestly I preferred The Red Pyramid to both series.

This is just a fun little post to break up all the posts of my random life. But I do have another blog post coming about my last few days, and why I am home when I would infinitely rather be at work.

MRI

Work has gone pretty well this week. I have done 99.9% of all of my own deliveries, and did some casing this week too. I'm feeling slightly less panicked about the whole thing now, but as we all know, that can change in a minute.

I have been working on my posture exercises (they are easy to do while delivering or driving, so they are some of the ones I can do almost wherever)

I did have a minor setback with my shoulder (did something kinda dumb that it just wasn't ready for and now the pain has returned :/) and decided that I should just stop arguing with the doctor and let him order an MRI. His assistant called to ask if she should order the ortho appointment too, and I told her that I am sincerely hoping it will be unnecessary, so to hold off until we get the MRI results. I realize I need to stop being so stubborn with this man. He has yet to steer me wrong, and I am almost constantly dragging my feet when he recommends stuff, but I am super nervous about the MRI. I have never had one, although I was with my mom for some of hers.

I did schedule a therapy appointment (mental, not physical) it will be good to hash some stuff out with my therapist. She often has good insights and boy do I have gots stuff going on.

I went to Target tonight and got a present for a party I have been invited to. I am most excited about the wrapping paper I bought, it has sharks on it! I also got some headphones and some more of my awesome diabetes lotion stuff. The lotion that Gold Bond puts out for diabetics, works really well. I adore it. They have a bunch of really cute stuff that makes me miss my friends from California. I see things that make me think of them, and then I wish I could show them it.

My friend took me out to dinner and we had some good discussion time. She is a good friend and I am always excited when we get to hang out. I had a pretty tasty BBQ chicken salad of yumminess and am excited that I have leftovers. :) a) it means I have a snack for tomorrow and b) means I may be regaining some control over my appetite. It was getting scary out of control there for a while. I am super exhausted so I am probably heading to bed soon, but I am looking forward to having a Sunday off (hasn't happened in forever) And then back to work on Monday.

Dr Appt and Update

Well, I went to the doctor today, and my friend went with me in case I got told I needed surgery or something else bad. But, I used some Jedi mind tricks to try to convince him that he wasn't going to send me for an MRI or surgery, and I have been given another two weeks before he is going to call it. I am currently waiting for pre authorization for a new PT place and need to keep working on that. My crazy schedule is probably hindering the healing, but I found out today that it is about to get crazier. Will need to get things sorted so I can take care of myself better.

I did get him to update my chart and it now says resolved next to the obesity. this makes me happy. We discussed the extreme rate of weight loss and he is slightly concerned about it, and says that other than it being unsustainable it might cause my body to freak out and think it is starving. Which will be bad in the long run, because it can mess up my metabolism. So I should try to slow down the rate of weight loss. This is after I gained four lbs over the last two weeks. I got another lecture on being only human and not being so hard on myself. I had some side effects from a recent change in my antidepressant and we discussed either lowering the dose or adding an additional pill to help counter the side effects and help me feel more "even". We decided to try the new pill because neither of us want to find out how I will feel without taking the antidepressant. I had my first panic attack in a couple of months yesterday and I did not appreciate it. I really need to get some stuff figured out.

I also got a brief lecture on my posture, which has been abysmal for ever. It causes me some amount of pain to actually sit up straight. I have some exercises to do to help strengthen the necessary muscles to help. He said it may hurt now, but it will help in the long run.

It has been a rough week or so, and I really look forward to getting back to therapy (both regular and physical), because I do think it helps.

I am going to get super back on track with eating properly (one of the side effects I have been battling has been an extreme increase in hunger) (although that could be because I haven't been eating enough) :/

After the doctor, my friend and I went out for dinner and froyo. It was delicious.


My next few days are going to be busy, but hopefully things will calm down soon.

It's just an Average Day....

I tried a new pizza crust tonight, it was pretty good. I should probably only get it when I plan on sharing my pizza because I ate the whole thing. I should have eaten lunch, then I wouldn't have been as hungry.

But, I carried all of the Amazon parcels I was assigned and it was a fairly early day as well, which is a plus. I was able to go to the grocery store and take a nap, which makes me feel like today was pretty successful.

I am currently watching the news and will try to get some stuff done in the guest room before I head to bed. I am supposed to be off tomorrow and am hoping to get some more stuff done. I need to find out what is going on with both my health insurance and my worker's comp stuff, I need to do some bill paying type activities and I would like to make a huge dent in organizing the guest room. If I can get it organized, I might invest in a bed or a futon or something for the room, in case anyone decides to come visit me. Tomorrow I also need to do a pedicure and maybe source a haircut, but that sounds like a lot for me to be trying to figure out haha.

I broke down and turned on the heater this evening, it isn't that cold outside, but I am feeling chilly. I only barely turned it on, but it has helped knock the chill off of the air.

I had some deep thoughts earlier, but have forgotten them at this point. I have to admit I enjoy these days where there aren't any major stress or emotional issues. Today has been average, and for that, I am grateful.

Wiley Coyote

Well, I have learned a new route due to being placed on it in an emergency. I don't hate this route, and I have been able to finish it on my own for the most part, even though the first time I carried it was yesterday.

I saw a young coyote today, and it was cute. I think the foxes are cuter, but I do think the coyote pups are cute.

I have been eating way too much crap lately, need to get more veggies and water in. Still moderating the carbs, but need to make better choices. Blood sugar has been fine for the most part. I forgot to take my evening pills last night so it was a little high this morning, but not too bad. I still really want a banana split blizzard from Dairy Queen and some really good pancakes, but I will wait on those until I have made better choices for a while.

There is still a fair bit of work stress, but I think it is slowly abating. Some people are just stupid and there isn't anything my stressing about it is going to help.

 I am definitely still hurting a fair bit, but it isn't as extreme as it was. I am still doing my PT exercises and am hoping to be given an all clear when I go in Wednesday. At my last PT appointment, she went through what she thought would happen if it is decided that I need an MRI, and that I should keep an open mind and that needing an MRI did not necessarily mean I will need surgery.

I am scheduled tomorrow for Amazon day, then Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and theoretically Saturday as well. I really need to make a therapy appointment, but am having difficulty finding a good day to make it because I have been working so much.

While I enjoy the hours because that is what pays the bills, I am hoping that I will be able to have a better work/life balance soon. I still feel like all I do is work. Christmas is over and I would love to be able to do something fun on a day off, but that needs a day off to happen.

Anyhow, going to relaw this evening and face tomorrow when it comes.

random update.

Well, I found out that the Physical Therapist I have been seeing is not a provider that is covered by the worker's comp, so I am going to have to pay for it. Thankfully, they are offering me both a discount and are going to work with me on setting up a payment plan. I honestly really like this place, and consider the cost to be worth it, however, I am going to reevaluate with my doctor on Wednesday if I need to continue the therapy sessions. I am hoping that he will decide I don't need an MRI so trust me, I am doing all I can to follow the orders of both him and the physical therapist.

One thing I have been discovering through my various therapies, is that my constant assertion that I do not like being touched, is not actually accurate. I am just not used to it. Physical therapy has shown me that I actually really enjoy a good massage. We were minimizing it at first because I was not comfortable with the idea, but have slowly worked up to actually looking forward to that part of my therapy. I was discussing my craving for physical contact with my regular (non-physical) therapist, and we discussed how I feel touch strongly, so it tends to overwhelm me in large doses. The possibility of a sensory processing disorder was discussed too. It would make sense though. I know I can't function properly if I am uncomfortable. If my shoes don't fit right, I literally can not function. Food that feels weird in my mouth can not be eaten without a lot of discomfort (my issues with mushrooms and shrimp are easy examples, I don't hate the flavor, just the way they feel in my mouth) Loud noises bother me more than they should and there are a handful of other things that make me suspect she may be right. More things to work on I suppose.

I have finished two routes all on my own this week, which is good. I have a lot of stress at work right now, and being able to say I did these routes on my own helps a bit. I don't really think there is anything I can do about a lot of the rest of my stress, except try to ignore the source of it. Which is far easier said than done.

I have been super hungry the past few days. I don't really know why. My blood sugars have been good, but slightly lower than usual. I really want foods I shouldn't be eating too. :/ I've been pretty good at avoiding them, but it is taking some willpower.

Amazon Day

I really do enjoy Amazon Day. It is a lot less stressful and is a shorter day (now that Christmas is over, at least) I carried all of my parcels and then actually got to help someone else for a change, instead of needing help myself.

After my amazing dinner last night, my blood sugar was high this morning. Not dangerously so, but more than is ideal, so I have been really careful with my carbs today and it is back to its normal happy levels this afternoon. I had some chips and dip and the last of my buffalo wings for an early dinner. I am enjoying a restful afternoon before what looks to be a crazy week (although I should probably be cleaning the bathroom or kitchen or something else useful) Actually, I will probably do a load of dishes and finish taking down the tree at the very least, and hopefully more. I just realized it isn't that late. I am so used to getting home super late on Sundays that I am in eat dinner and go to bed mode, but I still have a few usable hours :)

I have physical therapy again tomorrow evening after work. I really want to make sure I am doing all I can to recover so I can avoid any further drama from this accident. I do need to import everything onto my calendar, because I have so much to keep track of lately. I also really want to figure out a good time to take some time off work and go visit some people. But that is going to have to wait until my next doctor's appointment because if I have to look at surgery, it is going to put a kink in my plans.

I have so many people I want to visit this year, it would be amazing if I could figure out a way to visit them all.

I did it!

Clearly we should start with the most exciting information:

I met my weight goal!!! Woohoo! I don't know how long it will take me, but my next goal is to have a BMI under 25. At that point I will be considered normal. I don't know if/when that will happen, but it won't happen if I don't try. That is roughly 28 more lbs from now give/take a lb or two.

And my friend took me out for my celebration burrito! Yummy! It was so delicious! Not only was the food good, but the company was excellent. It has been an incredibly long time since I spent just hours talking with a friend. And in this case it was literally hours. We sat and ate and talked and then pretended to drink coffee and talked and then continued the conversation in the parking lot until we were both so cold that we had to give up. We talked about everything and nothing at the same time. It was incredibly healing for the soul. It might be one of the best evenings I have had in a very long time.

One of the verses you memorized when I was in Missionettes (think church meets girl scouts for those who don't know) is Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." (no, I did not have to look that up) And this is one reason why these types of evenings are so healing. We both shared with each other stuff that has been burdening us, and at the end of the evening we both admitted that we felt better. We also shared a lot of good humored sarcasm and teasing and hilarity. It was awesome.

Also, there may have been a long awaited burrito involved hahaha

I miss my friends greatly, and I am glad that I have those that I can call or text or email when I need them. I know there are some amazing people all around the country who are only a phone call away, who keep me in their hearts and prayers, and I am so incredibly grateful for them. I am also glad for the new friends I have made in Washington.

I carried most of the route that hates me today. I did not run into any mud or a ditch and when I returned to the station, my supervisor applauded and said, "You did it! You didn't need a tow truck!" He is a sassy one sometimes.

Tomorrow is amazon day and after many hours of laughing until I wheezed and a longish day at work, I am off to dreamland.

Operation?!

I have actually been blogging, just haven't felt like hitting the publish button. Too much going on that makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.

I did go to my follow-up appointment for the accident today. Neck and right shoulder are much improved, back is better, but still tight. Left shoulder, however is worrying. There may be a small tear in my supraspinatus muscle. If I am not markedly improved by my next visit, he wants me to go for a MRI and talk to a specialist. :/ This clearly is not the vision. A) I would like to go through life without having any crazy surgery B) the recuperation period will kill my savings. True story.

We also talked about the stuff going on in my life, and the excessive sleeping. And although I am in great loathing about taking them already, we talked about upping the anti-depressant temporarily. He knows I hate taking any pills, but those especially. He asked me what my issue was with them, and I admitted that it makes me feel like I have no control over my own mind and that's why I need them. He offered a different perspective. He told me to look at it as I am taking control over the situation by asking for help and taking the pills. That actually helped even though the little devil on my shoulder is crying BS. He also reassured me that I am still taking a relatively small dose. :/

I also had therapy this afternoon. This was one of my hardest sessions yet. But I am pretty sure we made some significant progress. Which is making the fact that my sessions may be ending soon slightly less terrifying. I admitted some really  scary things and there were many tears, but we also brainstormed some ideas and potential solutions.

My blood sugar was really high this afternoon, this happens when I am stressed and emotional, both of which I am today, so I kept the dinner carbs on the lower side and am not only going to try to get some stuff done before bed, but might try to get in a workout as well. Just need to avoid the weights, because I do NOT want to mess up my shoulder any more. I have work tomorrow and most days next week, which is good for the money.

I am going to be okay, it has just been a rough few weeks. Baby Steps my amigos!