Remotely Controlled

This blog is being written ridiculously early in the day from a remote location in the Loker Student Union on the campus of CSUDH.

I am trying to distract myself so I don’t melt down in the middle of my school day. I am feeling overwhelmed by a fresh wave of grief from the riddikulus task of reading about the New Deal. Riddikulus in that it is making me cry, not the actual task of reading about it.

I was just sitting here and I was thinking about how much grandma appreciated FDR and all of the help that the New Deal gave to the American people. And I really wanted to talk to her, and it hit me again that I can’t anymore… And I started to cry… in public… I don’t know why it bothers me that I cry in public, but it does. I really want to close up my computer and run to a much less public place, but I need my battery to charge before my next class.

I am texting Denise in hopes that she will help distract me and thankfully, she does.

But I am still quietly crying while sitting here at my computer. I have given up on studying and will just have to face my pop quiz with the knowledge in my brain and hope that I remember everything. (Update... there was no pop quiz)

While sitting here I realized that in all of the craziness of trying to get moved and find a place to live, I haven’t really given myself time to decompress. I keep saying that I grieved before she died, and in the first few days after, but really, I know that I need to allow myself time to reflect on grandma. I might make this involve an art project.

I worry about grieving healthily and I know walking around pretending to be alright all the time is not good, but I also recognize that being a weepy mess every waking minute is not healthy either. How to allow myself time to mourn in a healthy way?

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many hours later...

I am at home and in my bed and I got to go to Ikea and look for some storage. I need some sheets too just so I can actually not have to wash my sheets all in one day.

I got to get most of my homework for tomorrow done while waiting for peeps at Target.

I have many things to do tomorrow and Wednesday, and then I have some me time (I think)on Thursday, Friday is training for work and then the Seder at church, Saturday I work and then am going to go to a jazz concert. Sunday is church (yay) and Star Trek Night Monday I have school, Tues and possibly Wednesday I have work and then Thursday I think is a Bible Study Friday is training and then it is off to a camping trip for some much needed rest. The Monday after that I have a presentaton on my research paper due at school, and then it is a quick two weeks until school is out.