You get what you ask for...

Last night was the first time in a while where I cried myself to sleep. I just became so overwhelmed by the suckiness of my reality that I couldn't help it.

I am not so deluded or self-centered to believe that my reality is any worse that anyone else's but sometimes I just can't hold it together.

Now that my brief but wonderful stint of joy at the thought that I might not be completely repulsive to all humans of the male gender is over, I am resigned to the reaffirmation that I am a swamp monster. This is what started the line of thought that led me to tears, but isn't what actually made me cry.

What broke my heart was the renewed realization that I will never know what my mom thinks about anyone or anything in my life ever again. Neither will I know the same about my grandmother. I've realized this for awhile, but for now, the thought of that makes me incredibly sad.

I won't know if my family thinks that my future husband (if there ever is one) is a good or bad pick for me. I won't get to see their reaction to my finally graduating, and with honors no less! I don't get to have poud parents attending things like honors convocation or graduation. And since I am a swamp monster, I'll have no husband to attend them either.

I know I am never really alone, but there are just days when I feel like I am, and this was one of them.