Explosion of Thought

There are so many things I want to do, but I often wonder if or when or even sometimes should I do them...

I want to get my Ph.D. but I wonder if I am "supposed" to do that , if it is my purpose. I also worry that I am just not smart enough, skilled enough, dedicated enough, ect and that I am going to start yet another thing and not finish it.

I want to travel the world, and am currently in a position that I could feasibly do so with some careful planning. But I ask myself is it a wise choice? and I say probably not...

All of my life I have put off doing things because I have had responsibitites to people other than myself. Now I don't. I am only responsible to myself and obviously to God. But as an adult, which I have reluctantly acknowledged that I am, indeed an adult, being responsible to myself requires that I make wise decisions for myself. So, no I can't buy things that I want just because I can, I can't help everybody who I want to, I can't just take off and travel around the world...

I have been a Christian for a little more than 10 years, but most of my growth has been during the last 6 months, I was a different person when I got saved, but am so much more different now that I don't even recognize the me of six months ago let alone more than 10 years ago... Sometimes the changes are scary even though they are definitely for the better.

I am more comfortable with myself now. For the longest time I was always worried about what other people thought about me. Not so much anymore. I still do sometimes and it is one of those insecurities that pop up when I am not feeling wonderful, but I, for the most part, just don't care anymore. Every last person I love could turn their backs on me and I would still be okay, I would be hurt monumentally, but I would not be as devastated as I would have been even a year ago. Why? Because there is someone who will never turn His back on me...ever. And I get it...

All of the exciting and big changes happened when Jesus ceased being the smiling character in Sunday School stories and became real to me. This didn't happen overnight, and it was not a painfree experience, but it has been so worth it.

So, I realize this post is very scrambled, it is late, and I am pretty tired, so I shall leave you now...