Wrestling...Kind of Like Jacob...

So...

Today has been a rough day and I feel raw around the edges.

I woke up and was okay and then about an hour after Stacee left I just started sobbing uncontrollably. And I couldn't pinpoint why. I know that I have been begging God to do a work in me, but I didn't really expect it to be this way...

At first, I thought maybe my mediction is messing with my emotions and such, but I looked up the side effects and while a lot of my feeling blah lately is probably a side effect, the emotional weirdness wasn't one of the reasons.

So I talked to Sarah for a while and that helped a lot, and after I stopped talking to her I decided that I just needed some hard core Jesus time.

God often uses weird things to work in my life and today it has been a lot of them at once. Or, to be more accurate, I have realized it all today.

The other day I read a book called The Shack, it is about a guy who spends his weekend with The Trinity in a shack, and the story is super hardcore, but as soon as I picked it up I knew that God was going to use it to speak to me. There is an interesting coincidence between me and the book that will just make this post longer if I try to explain it, but I knew I needed to read it. So I did. And I really don't want to mess the book up for anyone so I can't tell you how, but there is a scene that had me weeping and laughing at the same time, and this was different from my usual expressions of emotion while reading, this, I knew was from God.

So, this experience has left me more sensitive to God whispers lately and today they just all came together.

I have felt horrible basically all day, I had a bunch of the horrible side effects mess with me and consequently I have spent all day in bed. And then the mini nervous breakdown this morning didn't help. But around 3:30 I made the decision to stay home from work, I could barely get out of bed, let alone help people in a cheerful and friendly manner. So I went back to sleep.

I woke up and went on myspace, where Alexis posted a bulletin telling you to read the story about the broken pitcher. And although I already knew I am broken but pieced back together in Christ it was a renewed revelation for me today. Also, I was reminded of two key things...

1) Not so long ago I was concerned that I was too numb, emotionally, spiritually whatever, and so I prayed for God to make me able to feel again. Today I realized that he has answered that prayer in abundance over the past few months...

2) Speaking of the past few months... I have been in some hardcore pain since Nov. 30th that is over six months. My back pain started the day my grandmother died and I have not had a single day free of pain since then. I have prayed and prayed for healing, and I am still waiting, I know that God is using my pain to work things in my life, amd I have embraced that I am becoming a better person for my pain, but it still is past the point where it is getting old. Today I was reading a blog where the woman discussed how Jacob had to wrestle with God and wouldn't let him go until God blessed him. I was like aww I remember Jacob from Sunday School, about this time I went back to sleep. (I have been asleep for probably 40 or so hours out of the last 2 days) and so when I woke up I remebered something about Jacob. His hip was injured by God when they were wrestling. My back pain manifests itself as a sharp horrible burning stab through my hip and into my knee. The similarity of the hip pain made me look up the story once again. Jacob was being prepared for a work of God and so am I. I am not gonna quit wrestling until I get a blessing as well...

The entire post probably makes little sense I am sorry, but this one is mostly for me folks...