A Dad Shaped Hole

So, nine years ago today, my father died.

And I almost forgot.

This kind of makes me feel like a bad person.

It also makes me incredibly sad. I always know on the days when my mother and grandmother died, but I almost forgot this day.

I know that there are very few people with whom I have shared the facts of my childhood with, and for those who don't know. My childhood sucked. Especially the part of it where I lived with my dad and step-mother. Things happened that should never happen to a child, especially when those things are done to the child by the very person who is supposed to guard that child from harm.

It took me a very long time to forgive him for the things that he allowed to happened, but eventually, with the help of Jesus, I was able to.

I am grateful that the last thing I ever told him was that I loved him.

I got distracted form where exactly I was going with this because Susanna just came home and turned on Iron Chef America. It is battle cranberry, I LOVE cranberries.

Oh... Back to the story of my father.

Recently I began to interact with one of my three half sisters. My father's children from his first marriage. We have discussed how he wasn't a bad person, he just didn't really know how to be a father. In some ways this is comforting because it means that some of the issues I encountered with him as a child weren't because I was a bad kid, which is something. I always thought if I had been a better kid, that he would've loved me more or things would've been different. In many ways it is healing to know that it wasn't my fault.

I often hear that the way in which you relate to your earthly father is how you will relate to God. I am so very thankful that that is not neccesarily true. I have struggled with accepting God as a father figure because of my relationship with my dad, but at the same time, I now know that God is my father because those longings for a father have been filled by him. He has touched my life and filled the holes in my heart. He has placed people in my life to fill the critical voids left by the absence of my dad.

I know what a true father God is because I know what it feels like to have that part of your life be missing.

I will always wish that my life had turned out differently and that I could've had the ideal real life father daughter relationship I envy in so many of my friends lives, but the lessons I have learned about the nature of God because of how my life has been are invaluable as well.