Remembering to remember

It has been a few weeks. The weeks haven't been overly kind to me, but I'm still here and still going. 

 Tomorrow is Good Friday, and after the past few weeks, I am trying to make sure I take time to remember the sacrifice made on my behalf so long ago. I know how incredibly blessed I am, and I know that in the giant scheme of things, I really have no reason to be so depressed. I know it is a disease and that there is both treatment and hope, but I feel so ungrateful when I get into my depressed states. A friend asked me if I have been reaching out to God and I have been, I told her I feel abandoned. But I am trying to hold on.

Every time I figure things can't get any worse, I discover that they in fact, can.

After a particularly bad day, I ended up making an emergency appointment with my therapist, and my doctor. I've reached a point where things have to change or I might not be able to bear it anymore. My doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist to have someone with more experience with the medical issues impacting depression give a second opinion. My therapist agrees with the doctors desire for a more thorough medical look at my depression. I met with the psychiatrist recommended to me by my physician for a meet and greet. And while he thinks he would be able to provide the desired treatment, he is super expensive and not covered by my insurance. Like amazingly expensive. Like we are going to have to try a different plan, expensive. My doctor is out of town for a family emergency, but I have an appointment on Monday, even though it is a shoulder follow up appointment, I can at least tell him we need a plan B and then he can start formulating a new plan.

Without too many details, it got really bad.  You can all use your imagination. We are trying to avoid inpatient care because of how disruptive it is to your life, but if we can't come up with something else, it is an option that has been discussed. To set some minds at ease, I do have a safety plan and support system in place. I have two people to contact if I need distracting, Three if I feel I am in danger of hurting myself, and four professional crisis numbers in an emergency. So my past few weeks have just been trying to get through each day, every day. Baby Steps.

I do know that I have amazing people in my life. My friends, my medical support system, and of course, my beloved all help me get through each day.

Good things that have happened in the past few weeks include:
My friend coming back from Japan and absolutely spoiling me with goodies.
My friend and her family being there for me when I need them. I got to spend the night at their house and get pug cuddles on a night I knew I shouldn't be alone.
I made friends with a baby turkey.
I went bowling with friends on a rough day. My friend won me an amazing stuffed mustache.
I had a couple of heart to hearts with another friend and love that I have people in my life that I can basically talk to about anything and not have to worry about being judged. It is immensely helpful.
My rent is paid.
I worked quite a bit this week. That will help with the money situation.

I'll try to remember to post more frequently, and hopefully there will be happy news amongst my reportings.