I'm Baaack!

Although, since I took my computer with me I never really left!

So... A bit about the retreat...

I went expecting good things and even then my wildest expectations were exceeded.

First some background...
I went up there sick, like hacking my lungs out and just feeling pretty miserable.
I however was really psyched because I totally had the whole "mountaintop experience" remnant left from wintercamp last week.

What I wasn't expecting was for God to flip my worldview again for the second time in a week!

On Wednesday night my church held its annual business meeting, and our pastor shared that he was not going to preach the funural of our church. I did not know this at the time I went to the retreat because I only attended the meeting long enough to vote because I work with the youth and was in with them. Long story short...(too late!) I had no clue just how bad things at church were until our pastors wife just shared the burdens on her heart about the whole situation.

At this point my heart broke, because I had left the same retreat two years ago having prayed for direction about which church to attend, having got an answer from God to stay in this same church, and then left within a month of the retreat. I had walked away in knowing disobedience, and yet God, who loves me was faithful to place me back where I belong. All weekend long I had been drawn to the verses of Isaiah 51, especially verse 11.
"The ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away."
and I finally understood why. We lifted our pastor's wife up in prayer and as a group of women prayed for the future and life of our church. I believe for a healing and restoration at my church and the beginnings of a revival that will shake not only our church, but also our community, and the very world in which we live.

For some reason the concept of pruning has been coming to me in my devotional times, the fact that without the removal of dead or excess branches, new growth will be choked out. I don't know if that is a word just for me or if it is for others, but I am believing that after a period of pruning, a great blossoming will occur.

At the retreat, as I mentioned I was ill. I was out of it for the first two sessions, then after Saturday morning session I shared with someone that I was feeling attacked (illness, a bad week coming up to the retreat, ect) and her and another friend told me/dragged me forward for prayer. I didn't really feel that I wanted to bother the speaker (Tammy) with my measley little prayer request, but it was "God appointment time" Before she even knew why I was coming up for prayer she shared with me that the night before, during worship she had seen a lion guarding me from the attacks of the enemy and saying no more. I was like wow, I am up here because I am feeling attacked. So we prayed.

Then later I took some time to be away from everything and I was like well if I was being protected the night before, what was up with the morning, why was I feeling so oppressed. And I realized something, there have been times throughout the last year when I felt like if anything else would go wrong I would die (literally). And I just couldn't take anything else. As I was sitting there in the courtyard I realized that I am in a time of protection so that I can prepare to enter battle. I am being protected so that I can build up my faith, and "gird my loins" and that one day soon I am heading out to the front lines. There are still going to be stray bullets coming at me, but I am away from the cannon fire so I can better prepare to fight the upcoming battles.


Lord, I just want to lift up my church, Father, I ask that a new breath of life be upon its people. Prune doubt, envy, bitterness, and discord from our branches so that new growth will occur. Bless our Pastors and Staff, Lord. Give them daily encouragement and strength to face their battles. Lord, help me to be a value to this church, not a hindrance. I thank you for the work I know you will do, Amen.

Today...

"What's with today...today?"

I <3 Lucas and Empire Records...

So... A list about today...

I am sick. And it is lame.

I just painted my toenails blue...

I am going to women's retreat! YAY!!!!

I have lots of homeworks to do...

So...You might not here from me again until I return.....

Have a gret weekend!

Life...

Today I get my California midterm back, which I think I did pretty ok, we'll see.
I don't work again until Tuesday hooray!

I figured out the whole Bible/Balaam thing that I originally had questions about and then I couldn't ask anyone, and so I used that as part of my excuse to go church shopping... Yep. It was me being an idiot... LOL!

I need to clean my room because it is getting sloppy...

I have a meeting with my professor today... I hope it goes well...

My whole distraction thing from Tuesday kinda spilled over into yesterday, but I wasn't hungry, but I am really confused about all this Bolshevik, Red, White, ect madness, and I have a hard time moving past things that confuse me.

Still really excited about women's retreat.

It is Finished!

So, My Russia paper is done! Hooray. I turned it in this morning. It was not the best paper I could do, but it was the best I could do with the time and understanding I had. There were 3 questions and the first one was easy enough but the second two were not and that is what my problem is going to be with this paper. Oh well...At least I am done.

One more day of school and then I am off to the women's retreat! Yay!

For the record

I am extremely over excited to be going to women's retreat this weekend... But I will be even more excited about it when I get my Russia paper done....

On another note I also discovered today that I get kind of freaked out when I am hungry. I was having a hard day at school, completely unable to concentrate and then getting frustrated when I couldn't figure out the answers. I was in such a weird mood that my friend Chris thought I was mad at him.... but really I was just super frustrated. And then after school I was sooooooo hungry. I got to work and had a snack and then I suddenly felt a lot better. It was like magic.

So back to the paper...

A Revelation....

More
by Matthew West
Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

(Chorus)
Than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you, yesterday and today
Through the joy and the pain
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me


I have so many things that I want/ need to express about my weekend at camp, but I'll start with this because it is important....

So often, we hear "God Loves You" or other sentiments of similarity and I know my reaction is "Yes, and your point is..." Until, this weekend when it finally hit me... God Loves ME...Stacey Atkins, individually and personally. I knew God loved me in the whole creator of the universe, creator loves his creation type ways, but one thing I have always struggled with, and I know I've shared this with others before, but I always have struggled with the concept of God loves us, his children, as a father.

I was standing in Chapel at camp and I was just worshipping and then whoever was on stage at the time started to pray, I am not even sure what about but it just hit me then and there. I am a daughter of the most high God, who cares for me.

I don't even need to explain how bad this last year was for me, Grandma, the one member of my family who I could always count on died, and suddenly I, for the first time in my life, felt absolutely, totally, and completely helpless. There was nothing I could do to change the situation and I realized rather quickly that I was going to have to rely on God for everything... A really hard concept for me to grasp, because I am disturbingly stubborn and prideful that I can take care of myself...but I can't do everything and I realize that now.

I know I have told people that even when I was facing homelessness and the whole world seemed to be going crazy that I wasn't worried about it. And that is true, I had total peace the entire time I was looking for places, and even when I didn't have anywhere lined up with two days until I had to move out, I knew it was going to be okay. And it was... I lived with my cousins for a couple weeks and now live with people who have been like my family for years. Which is totally a God thing, because it wouldn't have been possible for me to live with them without major changes happening in their lives as well.

I left the church that I grew up in for reasons that I will now admit were stupid, even when I knew it wasn't what I wasn't supposed to do, and went to another church for awhile, a good church, but not where I was supposed to be. I let my pride and my dependence on other people stand in the way of the path that the Lord had for my life, and I am so grateful that He has given me the opportunity to go back and try again....


So, back to the chapel... I am in the chapel just worshipping and then someone just starts praying for me and God says (yes in a small whisper) "You are where you are for a reason, you are at this camp for a reason, you are helping out with the youth for a reason (even when I swore I would never ever work with youth again)and here is just a part of that reason..." All of a sudden I just knew that I was God's child and he was taking care of me.
It was like all of the times when I was questioning God's hand in my life flashed before my eyes (but not in a creepy I'm about to die way)and I could suddenly see how even when I was walking way off the path, God was directing me back, by placing people and events in my life...

I have a lot more to blog about for this camp, but I am supposed to be writing a paper on the Russian Revolutions of 1917,and I just stopped cause I needed to get this out because I am distracted by my excitement....

Lyrics and such...

My heart has grown so cold
I've let the darkness in
I've said You are everything
But still You weren't enough
I've not been true to You
My life has hurt you, Lord
I'm running back into the safety of Your hand
I wanna be free in Jesus
I wanna be satisfied in You and You alone
Take this heart
Take my life
Pull me close
Satisfy
My heart has heard Your call
But I have closed my ears
I've said I would follow You
But still I've chased the wind
I've stretched my hand toward You
While holding to this world
But now I'm letting go
And reaching out to You
I wanna be free, Jesus
I wanna be satisfied in You and You alone
Take this heart
Take my life
Pull me close
I want to be free, Jesus
I want to be satisfied in You and You alone
Take this heart
Take my life
Hold me close
Satisfy
I wanna be free (7x)
(Chorus 2x)
I'm letting go
I'm letting go, Jesus
Cause I wanna be free



Really good Lyrics to a Jeff Deyo Song.....