turkey love

Not going to make the blog private as no one reads it anyhow. Short update: I've moved in with a friend due to my inability to pay rent with the meager income I am making every month. She is awesome and a total lifesaver.

I've been keeping up with my therapy. And in one semblance of good news, I have managed to score an appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Wednesday. Hopefully this will help us pinpoint what exactly is the best course to take and what my actual diagnosis is. There are a few ideas being bounced around and while I am not overly thrilled by the idea that I have a psychiatric issue that needs diagnosis, I keep telling myself what my doctor says: this is an illness just like diabetes or asthma, we just need to find the best course of treatment. He also tells me all of the predictable things that you tell people with depression issues. Sometimes, it even helps.

Also, it has been decided that surgery is the way to go for the shoulder and although I am not looking forward to surgery, I am looking forward to being able to work again... Oh and not having my shoulder hurt near constantly would be great too :/ Apparently my surgeon sounds like Barry Kripke from The Big Bang Theory.  My friend pointed this out when she went with me to my appointment, and told me when I start panicking to picture my surgeon saying "Shewldon Cooopah" and I have to admit that it helps me relax at least a little bit, so I am running with it. As soon as OWCP approves the procedure I will be scheduled. I greatly dislike the fact that I don't know when this will be yet.

My turkey still loves me! She will still let me hold her and will even nap on my lap. I have to admit, even though she isn't technically mine, I do love her. Turkeys are not the smartest creatures, but they are way less crazy than the chickens, and they run like tiny dinosaurs. I have always been a way bigger fan of chickens than turkeys. Eric is surprised I like the turkeys at all, let alone hold one and let it sleep on me because my fear of wild turkeys is well known by people who have been around me when turkeys are near. True Story: I may like the turkeys better than the chickens. This is a crazy thought, but the chickens can be jerks and are very flighty. Only one of the chickens will even let me pet it, and only once or twice before she runs off. But the chickens will eat grass from my hand, which is always fun. The turkeys will too, but I don't think their eyesight is very good because they don't go for the blade of grass, they try to get my fingers and while getting pecked doesn't usually hurt, I have learned to use bigger pieces of grass so the turkeys can actually see what they are going for.

The coloring for stress relief recommended by my therapist seems to be helping. I have an awesome Day of the Dead coloring book that I have been working my way through, and a Mandala one that looks like it will be fun as well. When I come back home and am super tense one of the first things I do is color. If you are stressed, get a coloring book! I have found it helpful, you might too.

Ish

So, as I would say, The ish got real. I am strongly contemplating making my blog only available to approved readers, because I do find this (blogging) is a good way to help me process things, but there are just some things I don't need available for the entire internet to know. I have to look at the process to make it private, and once I do I can add people to my approved reader list.

It has been an incredibly rough week.

And I am currently also facing having to give up my adorable apartment and move in with a friend, which does not help my mental state.  My friend is awesome. But I really like my little apartment.

Slam!

Apparently it is ludicrously difficult to find a psychiatrist in Kitsap County that takes my insurance, is accepting new patients, and doesn't require you to be involuntarily commited. I sent my doctor's CMA a message telling her that I was running out of ideas, but there is one more trick in my hat, otherwise I am going to have to try to come up with a ludicrous amount of money to see the psychiatrist I have already talked to that requires way more money than I have.

I started crying out of frustration today. I'm Just trying to feel better, and every door I try is getting slammed in my face. I have called way more people than I would like to talk to today..

I did go to physical therapy and he highly approves of the specialist I am being sent to, he did my ultrasound treatment, massage with a tiny bit of traction and taped me up.

I currently have two pugs using my leg as a pillow.

I have appointments on Monday and Wednesday of next week, and at least Tuesday and Wednesday the week after, although I will most likely have one on Monday as well.

I'm basically not working right now which has sent my stress levels flying through the roof, because I am worried about paying bills, but I have some hope that I'll get back to work soon.

My beloved took me out to lunch after physical therapy, which was an extra nice treat because we also went to dinner last night. For the record, the sausage stuffed rigatoni from Olive Garden is incredibly rich, and while it was pretty good, I won't order it again. After dinner, he came back to the house and played with the dogs for a while in an attempt to tire them out before bed. It was helpful. They have been sleeping with me and if they have too much energy, one of them gets crazy rambunctious, and I end up getting not much sleep. They are cute though.

I have a new favorite candy. I know, I shouldn't be eating candy, but realistically we all know I am not giving it up for good. I love the Airheads extreme bites in rainbow berry. Currently the only place I can find them are gas stations and rite-aid. They are yummy! I just can't have them every day.

My friend is heading home from work and we might be going out for dinner, we have steaks in the fridge to cook, but neither of us have felt like cooking. I did cook on Monday evening for our "family Easter dinner" and she heated us up some pot pies on Sunday. We had grand plans to cook every night we were house sitting, but depression sucks the juice out of you, and it is something we both struggle with.

Hopefully we can get me sorted quickly. We are trying a temporary med increase until we can get me in with a psychiatrist in hopes that it will reduce the intensity of nothing else.

The pug life.

I'm currently curled up in a bed that is not my own with two sleeping pugs nestled by my back. Yesterday's myriad of appointments weren't as amazing as I hoped, but could be worse.

Physical therapy: he said I probably inflamed the shoulder more by carrying mail before I was supposed to, but doesn't think it is a super major setback.

Therapy:  We discussed feelings as usual. It was one of those sessions that feels like it's bouncing all over the place, but ultimately it was a good session.

Doctor's appointment: he wants me to see a shoulder specialist. My supraspinatus tendon is way more tender than it should be at this point, and he wants me to see someone with more shoulder knowledge. I have to admit that as much as I absolutely hate seeing different doctors, I like that my doctor is not only okay with admitting when he is out of depth, but makes me go see people who know what is up. I was arguing with him yesterday just telling him to clear me and I'll deal with the pain. That idea was ultimately vetoed. (I told him at one point that he should know I was going to agree with him eventually, but that if I argue with him, he'll remember that I don't like this idea)

Easter dinner (a day late) I made ham and a modified funeral potatoes and carrots. I also made a lemon meringue pie, but to be honest, I didn't love my pie. I want to make myself some butterscotch cake soon, but will wait a few days.

I have a pug that is insisting it is time to wake up now, so I shall bid the Internet adieu.

Remembering to remember

It has been a few weeks. The weeks haven't been overly kind to me, but I'm still here and still going. 

 Tomorrow is Good Friday, and after the past few weeks, I am trying to make sure I take time to remember the sacrifice made on my behalf so long ago. I know how incredibly blessed I am, and I know that in the giant scheme of things, I really have no reason to be so depressed. I know it is a disease and that there is both treatment and hope, but I feel so ungrateful when I get into my depressed states. A friend asked me if I have been reaching out to God and I have been, I told her I feel abandoned. But I am trying to hold on.

Every time I figure things can't get any worse, I discover that they in fact, can.

After a particularly bad day, I ended up making an emergency appointment with my therapist, and my doctor. I've reached a point where things have to change or I might not be able to bear it anymore. My doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist to have someone with more experience with the medical issues impacting depression give a second opinion. My therapist agrees with the doctors desire for a more thorough medical look at my depression. I met with the psychiatrist recommended to me by my physician for a meet and greet. And while he thinks he would be able to provide the desired treatment, he is super expensive and not covered by my insurance. Like amazingly expensive. Like we are going to have to try a different plan, expensive. My doctor is out of town for a family emergency, but I have an appointment on Monday, even though it is a shoulder follow up appointment, I can at least tell him we need a plan B and then he can start formulating a new plan.

Without too many details, it got really bad.  You can all use your imagination. We are trying to avoid inpatient care because of how disruptive it is to your life, but if we can't come up with something else, it is an option that has been discussed. To set some minds at ease, I do have a safety plan and support system in place. I have two people to contact if I need distracting, Three if I feel I am in danger of hurting myself, and four professional crisis numbers in an emergency. So my past few weeks have just been trying to get through each day, every day. Baby Steps.

I do know that I have amazing people in my life. My friends, my medical support system, and of course, my beloved all help me get through each day.

Good things that have happened in the past few weeks include:
My friend coming back from Japan and absolutely spoiling me with goodies.
My friend and her family being there for me when I need them. I got to spend the night at their house and get pug cuddles on a night I knew I shouldn't be alone.
I made friends with a baby turkey.
I went bowling with friends on a rough day. My friend won me an amazing stuffed mustache.
I had a couple of heart to hearts with another friend and love that I have people in my life that I can basically talk to about anything and not have to worry about being judged. It is immensely helpful.
My rent is paid.
I worked quite a bit this week. That will help with the money situation.

I'll try to remember to post more frequently, and hopefully there will be happy news amongst my reportings.

A week and a day

I wasn't cleared to go back to carrying mail last Monday. So, more office work, but I have been learning new things and it has been interesting to see yet another side of how the post office works. The doctor is pretty optimistic about my ability to heal, it is just slower than we would like. I have been taking a break from my anti-inflammatory to give my stomach a break, which has led to an increase in pain, but the physical therapist mentioned a non-oral (topical gel) anti-inflammatory that I have called my doctor about. I didn't make it all the way through physical therapy, before I had to stop at my last session. So hopefully I hear back from the clinic before my next session.

If I haven't heard back from him by Thursday, I go in for my physical, and can ask then. I did the girl parts of the physical last week with another doctor (a female) who usually doesn't take new patients, but sees her male colleague's female patients for routine well-woman exams if they would be more comfortable with a woman. Confession time, I had NEVER had a well-woman exam before last week. I decided for the first time ever, I would go to a woman, and she was nice, but my new doctor phobia combined with the awkwardness of the situation triggered a major panic attack. I don't know who I will see for subsequent exams (either this new doctor or my regular doc), but I survived the first one. Just waiting for the results, at this point. And I will do my general systems check/immunization discussion this week, then I have officially survived my first physical since early childhood.

I had therapy today, and it was a good session. She noted how I seemed to be doing better, and we once again reiterated that I should never take the Wellbutrin again. I don't go back for three weeks, and if that schedule doesn't feel too long, we may keep it at three weeks intervals, or we might go to every other week.

My friend is in Japan, visiting her favorite person, but she will be back next Sunday. The tentative plan is for a yummy Carnitas pasta hybrid dinner with her uncles when she gets back, and we totally are going to have a girl talk date night when she gets back too. I am glad she gets to go on her trip, but it could seriously be next Sunday already and I would be okay with it.

Went to dinner with my homie tonight and we had a good talk and dinner. It was 5.99 cheeseburger night at Applebees, so we took advantage of the deal.

Got to do a concert date night with my love on Saturday. We got to see Five Iron Frenzy and some of MXPX, I had a low blood sugar reaction in the middle of Five Iron's set, so we ducked out a few songs into MXPX to head back to the ferry. We ended the night with a midnight run to gets some pie before pi day was officially over, and it was an awesome evening. We also got to do a dinner and a movie date on Wednesday. We saw Chappie, which was better than I was expecting. (I wanted to see another movie, but it was showing way too late for us old folks) Hugh Jackman has the ugliest hair ever in the movie. I am enjoying the fact that I got to see my love more this week than usual. We are planning to do dinner together sometime this week too.

I am excited for our upcoming Easter family dinner, the night before Easter (hopefully) and I have a slew of DIY projects to work on this week.

Updates and some creativity brewing.

Since we have last met, I have been both incredibly busy, and honestly dealing with some stuff that would be best left unblogged. To condense all the time, I shall blog by topic.

Shoulder:
At my doctor's appointment on the 25th, it was decided that I would continue to be on office duty for a while. Continue P/T and go back for a re-evaluation on the 9th (that would be tomorrow morning at 9:30) I may have been overdoing it this week, because my shoulder has been hurting more the last couple of days.

At my last PT session, he did my measurements again knowing I was going in to see my doctor for a followup before my next PT appointment. I am getting stronger and have more range of motion, but am  not quite there yet.

Work:
They have me on office duty, although one day that meant I drove a carrier who wasn't trained on our trucks around while he delivered the mail. It's been pretty average otherwise, doing phones and data entry and helping around the office.

Non-shoulder related health:
Had either a gastric bug or food poisoning bad enough to send me to the local urgent care at 3 am. My friend Kaytlin was also ill, but we had eaten dinner together the night before so we can't conclusively rule out food poisoning. Was given magical anti-nausea pills, illness continued for another couple of days, but by the time we were able to eat food a few days later, it tasted delicious.

Friends:
Had Kaytlin staying with me this week in case our bug was contagious (her roommate is pregnant and doesn't need to catch this) She went home yesterday. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner last night and had a blast, although it is very loud in there. Last Sunday, I got to go to her house and hold her baby chicken. :) A few days ago she gifted me a new shark, who has been dubbed Norse Shark and he is already becoming good friends with Bahruce.

Therapy:
Still working through the issues. Some new stuff was brought to the surface by recent events and have been dealing with those things. I tend to stuff grief down as far as I can (FYI not a good coping mechanism) and am just now processing things that happened in the past. Did decide to share my dilemma not only with my therapist (who is amazing FYI) but also with my core support group (my beloved, my doctor, and my closest friend) and they have been helpful in the healing process. It is still a process however, and any supportive thoughts and/or prayers are appreciated.

Current Events:
Have been planning out some mini-events type things. One thing I really have missed over the past six years or so, has been planning parties and events. I decided that even though they'll be on a smaller scale, I can host a "family dinner night" for my little tribe and it will be enjoyable. Our first one is an Easter dinner, the night before Easter, and I am excited. Have been thinking of a menu and activities and it should be a blast.

Am going to pug/house sit with my friend at her uncles' house for a few weeks, we are planning some crazy activities for while they are gone, including work, more work, and doing a lot of experimental cooking. There is also a hot tub, so some relaxation shall be in order. I really like the uncles' pugs, so I am looking forward to having pets for a couple of weeks, and being on a mini-vacation that is actually closer to work than I am.

I have accumulated a small arsenal of nail polishes. And am looking forward to some creative manicures. Have also been looking at completing some creative projects around the house, and getting it all cleaned and organized. My bedroom is down to just needing socks folded and some vacuum action. I need to mop both the bathroom and the kitchen and do some more kitchen organization. Have a few small projects to do in the living room, and need to finish the guest room, and the outdoor areas, and my house might be able to be called clean. I will finish posting pics of my place after I get organized. Have two blankets I want to crochet, Some shadowboxes to make, and a couple of canvases to do, as well as getting art hung on my walls. I want to make a cute banner for my bedroom and a photo display wall in my living room. But these will get done in good time.