Ramblings of a rumbling tummy

Thankfully, I am feeling better. Stopping all the blood pressure pills seems to have done the trick. We will need to decide when to restart taking them, but my doctor said he would rather my blood pressure be a little in the high side for a couple days than as low as it was.

I am excited to be starting grad school. This is good because it may be the only thing I can muster any excitement about right now. The main reason I am excited? It gives me some hope of escaping my current hell.

I am harboring both a severe case of wanderlust and a severe case of homesickness. I want to take a month and just escape on an adventure by myself. (I don't know if I am that brave) and I really want to go home. Along with seeing everyone I have a food wish list that needs to be consumed.
El Pollo Inka
El Burrito Jr
Empanadas
Woodstocks Pizza
Hot Dog On a Stick (apparently no one up here has heard of cheese sticks?!)
BusyBee
And so much more....

But I do have to admit, I have found some things food wise I like and may prefer in Washington.
(I think I must be hungry! Since my blogging has turned to food)
Richie's Burger Urge in Poulsbo, WA better than InN Out but they need to work on their fries
Teriyaki Town on Bainbridge Island, really good Teriyaki mmmmmm
I really like the frozen yogurt shops up here. island Cool on Bainbridge and Bluberry in Silverdale
Wok on Fire in Silverdale for Mongolian BbQ
There's a pretty good pizza place on Bainbridge called Treehouse Cafe, but they are super spendy. They have a really good sausage and olive pizza if you like pizza that makes your lips numb though.

It is beautiful here. I don't hate Washington at all. I have made great friends, I think I am just longing for days when things were simpler.

Wilting?

I had surgery. I am totally okay with surgery now. At least minor stuff. Recovery wasn't fun, but I felt so much better so quickly, and it really is interesting having the time disappear. Shoulder is good. I have almost 360 degree mobility strength is returning. I am able to do some work.  The Doctor's Clinic takes pretty good care of me.

Well, I may have solved a mystery I didn't even know was a mystery. My grandmother had one of the most finicky stomachs in the history of the world. She would like a food one day, then not like it the next. It would drive me absolutely bonkers. I couldn't understand it. Until last week....

About a month ago, I met with a psychiatric practitioner to help get a concrete diagnosis to all of the mental baloney that has been going on. We get a diagnosis, we get a pill, everything is hunky dory. Two weeks later, I get a call from her office letting me know that my pharmacy notified them of a possible interaction between the pill she prescribed and my birth control (for my PCOS) since I am not actually using the birth control to control birth I figure NBD but discuss it with my doctor who adds an additional drug that's known to help people with PCOS. I recognize it as a blood pressure pill that my grandmother took and we discuss precautions and all the fun stuff that comes with taking multiple blood pressure pills and what forth. Fast forward to the last week or so, I can barely function. I have no appetite, all I want to do is sleep, food will sound good one minute and foul the next, and I say absolutely not. I actually almost passed out yesterday. So I made an appointment to see my doctor today. I accused him of trying to kill me. He told me I looked like I was wilting before his eyes. And told me I looked like my roots needed watering. We discussed lowering the dosage to lowest possible levels but apparently I looked so miserable we decided to back me completely off the pills until I rediscover what feeling good feels like. and then we'll reassess a lower dosage or another angle or something.

So, I have decided my grandmothers stomach issues may have been influenced by her horrid blood pressure pill.

One the note of psychiatric diagnosis and stuff, it is better than it could be but not exactly fun. The pill does seem to be helping a lot. I have a lot of history I need to work through. Differentiating psychological trauma, psychiatric illness, and just plain emotions, is an interesting journey for me. I have a good support team in place.  I have a couple or three large life hurdles coming up and it will be interesting to see how I handle them with the knowledge I now have and a support team.

I appreciate every note of encouragement and support I get from everyone.

It's time for me to go back to napping.

turkey love

Not going to make the blog private as no one reads it anyhow. Short update: I've moved in with a friend due to my inability to pay rent with the meager income I am making every month. She is awesome and a total lifesaver.

I've been keeping up with my therapy. And in one semblance of good news, I have managed to score an appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Wednesday. Hopefully this will help us pinpoint what exactly is the best course to take and what my actual diagnosis is. There are a few ideas being bounced around and while I am not overly thrilled by the idea that I have a psychiatric issue that needs diagnosis, I keep telling myself what my doctor says: this is an illness just like diabetes or asthma, we just need to find the best course of treatment. He also tells me all of the predictable things that you tell people with depression issues. Sometimes, it even helps.

Also, it has been decided that surgery is the way to go for the shoulder and although I am not looking forward to surgery, I am looking forward to being able to work again... Oh and not having my shoulder hurt near constantly would be great too :/ Apparently my surgeon sounds like Barry Kripke from The Big Bang Theory.  My friend pointed this out when she went with me to my appointment, and told me when I start panicking to picture my surgeon saying "Shewldon Cooopah" and I have to admit that it helps me relax at least a little bit, so I am running with it. As soon as OWCP approves the procedure I will be scheduled. I greatly dislike the fact that I don't know when this will be yet.

My turkey still loves me! She will still let me hold her and will even nap on my lap. I have to admit, even though she isn't technically mine, I do love her. Turkeys are not the smartest creatures, but they are way less crazy than the chickens, and they run like tiny dinosaurs. I have always been a way bigger fan of chickens than turkeys. Eric is surprised I like the turkeys at all, let alone hold one and let it sleep on me because my fear of wild turkeys is well known by people who have been around me when turkeys are near. True Story: I may like the turkeys better than the chickens. This is a crazy thought, but the chickens can be jerks and are very flighty. Only one of the chickens will even let me pet it, and only once or twice before she runs off. But the chickens will eat grass from my hand, which is always fun. The turkeys will too, but I don't think their eyesight is very good because they don't go for the blade of grass, they try to get my fingers and while getting pecked doesn't usually hurt, I have learned to use bigger pieces of grass so the turkeys can actually see what they are going for.

The coloring for stress relief recommended by my therapist seems to be helping. I have an awesome Day of the Dead coloring book that I have been working my way through, and a Mandala one that looks like it will be fun as well. When I come back home and am super tense one of the first things I do is color. If you are stressed, get a coloring book! I have found it helpful, you might too.

Ish

So, as I would say, The ish got real. I am strongly contemplating making my blog only available to approved readers, because I do find this (blogging) is a good way to help me process things, but there are just some things I don't need available for the entire internet to know. I have to look at the process to make it private, and once I do I can add people to my approved reader list.

It has been an incredibly rough week.

And I am currently also facing having to give up my adorable apartment and move in with a friend, which does not help my mental state.  My friend is awesome. But I really like my little apartment.

Slam!

Apparently it is ludicrously difficult to find a psychiatrist in Kitsap County that takes my insurance, is accepting new patients, and doesn't require you to be involuntarily commited. I sent my doctor's CMA a message telling her that I was running out of ideas, but there is one more trick in my hat, otherwise I am going to have to try to come up with a ludicrous amount of money to see the psychiatrist I have already talked to that requires way more money than I have.

I started crying out of frustration today. I'm Just trying to feel better, and every door I try is getting slammed in my face. I have called way more people than I would like to talk to today..

I did go to physical therapy and he highly approves of the specialist I am being sent to, he did my ultrasound treatment, massage with a tiny bit of traction and taped me up.

I currently have two pugs using my leg as a pillow.

I have appointments on Monday and Wednesday of next week, and at least Tuesday and Wednesday the week after, although I will most likely have one on Monday as well.

I'm basically not working right now which has sent my stress levels flying through the roof, because I am worried about paying bills, but I have some hope that I'll get back to work soon.

My beloved took me out to lunch after physical therapy, which was an extra nice treat because we also went to dinner last night. For the record, the sausage stuffed rigatoni from Olive Garden is incredibly rich, and while it was pretty good, I won't order it again. After dinner, he came back to the house and played with the dogs for a while in an attempt to tire them out before bed. It was helpful. They have been sleeping with me and if they have too much energy, one of them gets crazy rambunctious, and I end up getting not much sleep. They are cute though.

I have a new favorite candy. I know, I shouldn't be eating candy, but realistically we all know I am not giving it up for good. I love the Airheads extreme bites in rainbow berry. Currently the only place I can find them are gas stations and rite-aid. They are yummy! I just can't have them every day.

My friend is heading home from work and we might be going out for dinner, we have steaks in the fridge to cook, but neither of us have felt like cooking. I did cook on Monday evening for our "family Easter dinner" and she heated us up some pot pies on Sunday. We had grand plans to cook every night we were house sitting, but depression sucks the juice out of you, and it is something we both struggle with.

Hopefully we can get me sorted quickly. We are trying a temporary med increase until we can get me in with a psychiatrist in hopes that it will reduce the intensity of nothing else.

The pug life.

I'm currently curled up in a bed that is not my own with two sleeping pugs nestled by my back. Yesterday's myriad of appointments weren't as amazing as I hoped, but could be worse.

Physical therapy: he said I probably inflamed the shoulder more by carrying mail before I was supposed to, but doesn't think it is a super major setback.

Therapy:  We discussed feelings as usual. It was one of those sessions that feels like it's bouncing all over the place, but ultimately it was a good session.

Doctor's appointment: he wants me to see a shoulder specialist. My supraspinatus tendon is way more tender than it should be at this point, and he wants me to see someone with more shoulder knowledge. I have to admit that as much as I absolutely hate seeing different doctors, I like that my doctor is not only okay with admitting when he is out of depth, but makes me go see people who know what is up. I was arguing with him yesterday just telling him to clear me and I'll deal with the pain. That idea was ultimately vetoed. (I told him at one point that he should know I was going to agree with him eventually, but that if I argue with him, he'll remember that I don't like this idea)

Easter dinner (a day late) I made ham and a modified funeral potatoes and carrots. I also made a lemon meringue pie, but to be honest, I didn't love my pie. I want to make myself some butterscotch cake soon, but will wait a few days.

I have a pug that is insisting it is time to wake up now, so I shall bid the Internet adieu.

Remembering to remember

It has been a few weeks. The weeks haven't been overly kind to me, but I'm still here and still going. 

 Tomorrow is Good Friday, and after the past few weeks, I am trying to make sure I take time to remember the sacrifice made on my behalf so long ago. I know how incredibly blessed I am, and I know that in the giant scheme of things, I really have no reason to be so depressed. I know it is a disease and that there is both treatment and hope, but I feel so ungrateful when I get into my depressed states. A friend asked me if I have been reaching out to God and I have been, I told her I feel abandoned. But I am trying to hold on.

Every time I figure things can't get any worse, I discover that they in fact, can.

After a particularly bad day, I ended up making an emergency appointment with my therapist, and my doctor. I've reached a point where things have to change or I might not be able to bear it anymore. My doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist to have someone with more experience with the medical issues impacting depression give a second opinion. My therapist agrees with the doctors desire for a more thorough medical look at my depression. I met with the psychiatrist recommended to me by my physician for a meet and greet. And while he thinks he would be able to provide the desired treatment, he is super expensive and not covered by my insurance. Like amazingly expensive. Like we are going to have to try a different plan, expensive. My doctor is out of town for a family emergency, but I have an appointment on Monday, even though it is a shoulder follow up appointment, I can at least tell him we need a plan B and then he can start formulating a new plan.

Without too many details, it got really bad.  You can all use your imagination. We are trying to avoid inpatient care because of how disruptive it is to your life, but if we can't come up with something else, it is an option that has been discussed. To set some minds at ease, I do have a safety plan and support system in place. I have two people to contact if I need distracting, Three if I feel I am in danger of hurting myself, and four professional crisis numbers in an emergency. So my past few weeks have just been trying to get through each day, every day. Baby Steps.

I do know that I have amazing people in my life. My friends, my medical support system, and of course, my beloved all help me get through each day.

Good things that have happened in the past few weeks include:
My friend coming back from Japan and absolutely spoiling me with goodies.
My friend and her family being there for me when I need them. I got to spend the night at their house and get pug cuddles on a night I knew I shouldn't be alone.
I made friends with a baby turkey.
I went bowling with friends on a rough day. My friend won me an amazing stuffed mustache.
I had a couple of heart to hearts with another friend and love that I have people in my life that I can basically talk to about anything and not have to worry about being judged. It is immensely helpful.
My rent is paid.
I worked quite a bit this week. That will help with the money situation.

I'll try to remember to post more frequently, and hopefully there will be happy news amongst my reportings.