I write an awful lot, and for someone who always hated journal assignments, I laugh...

So..I have good news, and bad news...which should I write first?

I'll write the bad news first because then I can be happy while I type the good news... (upon second thought, I have a bit more of each than I originally realized...)

Bad:

1) My back is starting to hurt more again. This is both frustrating and frightening. The last time I was in so much pain that was so constant I did literally begin to fear for my sanity. I don't know if I can do that again... I am frustrated because I really can't do anything except for surgery which I cannot afford, so I have to wait for a divine healing, which requires patience and faith, both of which I posess, but when I am in pain it is hard to remember that fact...

But last week at Sunday Night Bible Study someone gave a word about waiting for the timing of the Lord that I really felt was for me, so hopefully soon...

2) Here I am once again facing a paper that I am not sure I understand. I understand the basic concepts behind Marxism and why it was important to the development of historical thought, but I am getting more frustrated everyday with this paper that I really should finish tonight if I want my professor to look at a rough draft so I can revise it before it is due. This is my prompt, and I just want to share that I think the two middle questions are the same question, but I know they aren't or there wouldn't be two questions for me to answer....

Why is the Communist Manifesto Important for Students of History? How do Marx and Engels explain the process of historical development in the Manifesto? How do they construe the historical significance of industrial capitalism? What, according to Hill and Hobsbawm, has Marxism contributed to history as a form of scholarly inquiry?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Well, that is basically all of the bad news...

On to more pleasant topics...

My first day of working with the person from my old work went much better than I thought. I went in there determined to behave in a Christ-like manner, and the day was not so bad, one because I went into the day in prayer, and two because I asked God to help my attitude towards this person and prayed that God would bless her.

I found really cute shoes to wear tomorrow, which if you know me is somewhat of a miracle because I won't wear shoes that aren't comfortable, but these are AND they are dressy. For which I am sure Collette is greatful...

God has really blessed me with the Holmes family. Last week at dinner I was officially welcomed into the family by getting a parental lecture. Which, while not fun, meant a lot to me. It has been a long time since anyone has been parental towards me. Grandma was amazing but as her health declined I basically became the head of the household. And I never really did have any parental influence because my mom was always sick and I really have lived much of my live as a miniature grown-up. Since moving in with the Holmes, I have been lectured twice (I also apparently don't know how to do laundry properly LOL!) which oddly enough touches my heart. I was made to take medicine when I was sick, I have been told that I don't need to do everything myself on numerous occassions, and today I came home to find an Easter basket on my bed, it was from Collette's mom. I have found that by joining this family and becoming more like a child (in that I now have people to obey and stuff like that) I am finding the freedom to "grow up". (if I make no sense it is okay, because it makes sense to me)

Quick and Dirty

So... it isn't that I haven't had anything to say during the last four-or-so days, it is me deciding that my posts would probably be more detrimental to anyone who would read them than they would be helpful to me to remember. I realize that I could've just put them on myspace, and made them private, but the people get crazy at you about your private blogs on myspace. So I have decided to remain silent on these last few days.

So I am going to do a "quick and dirty" blog of recentness because there are just a few things I need to get out of my system so I can think clearly.




Holidays: Today is Good Friday, to some people that means nothing but to me this day and last night have much meaning. Easter a.k.a. Resurrection Sunday is upon us and Easter is the day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, which is the event that marks Jesus as the Christ, the messiah, and is the hallmark of salvation. But What about the day of his crucifixion? It is this day in which we remember the total sacrifice made for us out of love. We are always told that He could've come down from the cross at a moments notice, and this should be believed because he could've.

BUT HE DIDN'T!!!!

There is a song that is sung at Cottonwod that goes something like this...

"In the scars of my Savior songs of salvation flow, Jesus, transform me that all of the world might know..."

We needed the resurrection to complete the promise of salvation, but first we needed the death of an innocent man to begin the work. Let us ponder that today...

Church:
My church is in the midst of a spiritual battle. It isn't just things that have been happening recently, it is a lot of things that have been happening for a while. The best way to fight the evil one is on our knees. Never before in my life have I felt that prayer was so neccesary.

God, I thank you for the place Calvary has in my heart, I know it and its people hold a greater place in yours. Please, Father, protect its people from the attacks of Satan. We have been facing a mighty storm for some time now, and I ask that you calm the seas. I believe that after this storm, a mighty blessing is to follow and I eagerly wait to see what you have in store for us as a body. Bless our leadership with discernment, wisdom, and the ability to rest in you even in the midst of the storm. I praise you in all things.
Amen.

Work:
I have been having a difficult time with work lately. And I really don't now if it is God trying to wean me away from my job because He has better plans for me or what. But, after the last job ended badly I promised myself that I would never work somewhere I was miserable again. If things don't change, I will begin looking for the next good job I can find.

Lord, I love my job, I find it interesting and fun... Most of the time... Lately it seems as if it would be better if I didn't work there. I thank you for your provision in my life, and I know that if this door is closing you will open another in my life. In all things, I pray that you will help me to behave in a way that brings honor to your name. Amen.


School:
I still love school. I am just finding that, although there is less actual work to do this semester, I am having more difficulty with understanding. But I STILL love it. I need to be able to focus when I am working on school, and possibly reprioritize my life. I don't want school to interfere with my spiritual life, and I need courage to take a stand.

Father, please help me. I want to make you proud in all I do. Give me wisdom and understanding when I just don't get it. Help me to stand firm in my beliefs even when they are under attack. I love you. Amen.

Difficult Decisions...

Are always a pain to have to make...

And yes, I have some to make right now, but I know that in the end it'll be worth it.

On a lighter note... We have a buyer for the house! Hooray! Praise Jesus! and Hallelujah!

So the buyer wants a quick turnaround, I want a quick turnaround and so does my aunt. They are aiming for Escrow in early April. That'd be amazing!

Kazaa!

Saturday Shenanigans

Today I worked from 9-5 which is a lot longer than I usually work on Saturday. But it meant that I got to know our new Page better and that is good. I also finished creating two new display boards one of which I am very proud of. The one I <3 is for our monthly Coffee and Classics Film group. I did it all in browns and it has a square theme going on. The one I don't love as much is for the teen book club. They are reading Uglies by Scott Westerfield. When I am making a display it helps if I know something about the thing I am making a display for which I didn't so this board is black, purple and green with white stars, It looks okay but I like the COffee one better.

Yesterday I found out that I am going to be working with someone from my last library who I am not particularly fond of. But I am going to embrace this as a growing experience.

Friday Night Live

I went to Friday Night Live with the youth tonight. I had a lot of fun. I love that I keep seeing different aspects of God's character everyday. We sand the song that says, "I'll never know just how much it cost, to see my sins upon that cross." and always when I heard that song I was so sad that my sins hurt God so bad.

I got saved at Missionettes Camp in 1996, and the whole reason I went forward and did the whole "got saved" thing was because the speaker told us that our sins are what made Jesus die. Which made me so sad, so I went and got saved. While I disagree with the tactic now (possibly more on why later), I am greatful because that was when all the church stuff first became real.

So that song has always connected me to that horrible greif that I caused Jesus. Tonight when we were singing that song I began with that same mentality and at some point I felt that God was telling me that me not knowing the grief that my sins caused him was part of the plan of salvation. Jesus took our sins and grief and shame so that we would never have to bear that unbearable burden.

God is so amazing, and I am glad that I am His child.

Awesome!

So yesterday, I was sitting in class and the thought "Why am I sitting here in class, when there are people who don't know Jesus out there." occurred to me and for those that know me, that kinda freaked me out. I <3 school a lot! And recently I gave to the Lord my education and career goals. I also <3 my work, in case you couldn't tell. So, I was like (yes kinda sarcastically) OH GREAT! I am gonna have to leave school and become a missionary (no, not to Papua New Guinea LOL) So, here I am sitting in my favorite class having an internal debate with God on why I would make a terrible missionary, and generally being cranky at God because although I will be obedient to his call on my life, I am still working on the obedience IN JOY to the parts I may not like concept.
But God reminded me at pre service prayer last night that being a missionary is NOT my calling. I know my calling, and while a short term missions trip may be involved, long term missions is not (at least not at the moment) But while that crisis of fear was lifted, God reminded me that I am at that school for a reason, and that while I enjoy studying history, my purpose there is not just to learn about famous dead people. My purpose is to be a light to the people I interact with on campus. He placed a great burden on my heart for those around me and already today he is starting to open doors in conversations for me to share his love.

Of Chocolate and Potions Masters...

So... My 20-somethings girliefriends and I are doing a Bible study on the book of Daniel by Beth Moore, and in our first session we were encouraged to make a sacrifice of something to help remind us that we are not called to be Babylonian in mentalty. I was originally going to give up chocolate, which I do love but realized that it isn't that big of a sacrifice. For me the one thing that I really love to do, that I am going to sacrifice is....

Before I share I would like to point out that writing this down is a huge commitment because it means I can't pretend I never said that...

I am not going to read any fanfiction during the first half of our Bible Study.

It may not sound like a big deal, but to me it is. The majority of my non-productive time is spent in reading fan fiction. It is what I do instead of TV.

Lord, give me the strength to stick to this, even when I am bored out of my skull and am tempted to quit. Amen.