sticks and stones

So, after being in a ridiculous amount of pain Sunday evening, I made an appointment to see the doctor today. This was a rough visit for a myriad of reasons, but it left me feeling hopeful. The visit started out with me discovering that I am halfway to my first weight-loss goal. 16 more pounds and I am no longer obese.

During my relatively short visit with my physician, I both swore ("I said THE word, the big one, the queen mother of dirty words, The F, dash, dash, dash word!" name that movie) and broke down into a crying mess, and almost had a full blown panic attack, which was good because it led to uncomfortable discussions that are going to be helpful in the long run. First of all, let me say that while I am a firm believer in being honest, when it comes to your doctor you should be no holds barred honest. If you have a good doctor, whom you trust, there should be no need to edit for delicacy. I have a guy doctor, and we've discussed everything from unpleasant digestive issues (I hate discussing these things), to the state of my boobs and ovaries (I've got them and they have issues or potential issues), to my recent crazyness and a myriad of other things that I am not sharing with the internet.

He had gotten my message from the week before but had wanted to call me rather than email, but had then gotten sick himself before he had a chance to do so. So he was glad to see me in the office, although unhappy that I had felt so crummy that I needed to come in.

First off, horrifying back pain that I have been dealing with for days? Kidney Stone. We were operating under the assumption that was cause when I left the office, but since have gotten confirmation that my urinalysis shows strong signs that that was the problem. No wonder I was in so much freaking pain. Thankfully it has either passed or broken up because for the most part, the pain is gone. We have a plan in place for any repeat occurrences, especially if they happen before I can get insurance.

We got me set up with a blood glucose monitor so that I can check my blood sugars. He is not telling me that I have to, but agrees with me that having the ability to check myself will help me feel more in control of the situation. I did manage to get my machine set up and do my first test by myself today. I had to stick myself twice, which was not the vision, but I am sure I will get used to the system shortly. I was a little dismayed to see a pink machine on the outside of the box, but thankfully it is red. I don't hate pink, but this was a really ugly pink.

Panic attacks? I now have some pills to take when they occur. I can take up to two per day, but hopefully as another pill kicks in, they will become unnecessary.

The other pill? An anti-depressant. I know. I didn't want to take it either, but after weighing all the scenarios with the doctor decided it is a better idea to have it. I didn't want to take something that I would have to take forever (I won't), especially because I have been diagnosed with an adaptation disorder. Basically there are so many changes going on in my life all at one time, that my body/mind isn't coping well. That is why I have been struggling with the panic attacks and depression (I don't like to talk about it much, but it is what it is) as well as some physical difficulties. I told him I originally thought this was just the "new PMS" from the birth control pills, and that I had gone from being mean and hungry to being depressed and panicky. Sadly, it doesn't look like that is the case, if I knew this was cyclical and going to end soon, it might be easier to deal with.

Sometimes, having a really good doctor sucks. After witnessing my not-so-beautiful breakdown and asking a bunch of questions, we discussed thoughts of suicide, and I had to admit that I had had them recently, although I do NOT in any way shape or form, think I would act on them. I have seen how much it hurts other people, and would never want to hurt anyone that badly. Also, I wouldn't be trying so hard to get healthy, just to throw my life away. This is one of those times you need to be honest with your doctor, even if it isn't a fun thing to discuss. Seriously, I mean this. If you are feeling out of control or even just thinking about it, let a professional know. If you don't have a doctor, there are hotlines that will get you set up with someone to talk to.

We talked about non-medicative approaches to complement my new chemical friends and I have a few numbers to contact about counseling, and I might look into a support group for newly diagnosed diabetics. I need to continue to work on my stress levels, and work on being connected to people who have known me for a long time. I worked on that last part this afternoon, giving my aunt, who I don't call enough, a call, and texting other friends who I have been trying to keep in the loop. I am having a hard time meeting more people than just co-workers and customers (I adore my peeps I already have here, but I need more local connections) if for no other reason than because I have two states at the moment, working and preparing to work (sleeping or eating or showering etc) so I haven't had as many opportunities to meet other people. I am also working on making time for me to do things I enjoy, like going to the movies, or crafting or reading, because these things are my hobbies, and being able to engage in them will help with my stress levels. Tonight, I went to go see Book of Life, which I have been looking forward to for months. It was really cute and I loved the artwork.

While wandering around Walmart, waiting for my prescriptions I got some groceries (Tortilla soup, pizza muffins, and chicken strips are all on the menu for the next few days :) )I also looked at the Christmas stuff. I picked up a nativity set (since I have been saying I need one for years) It is a kid's set, but I think it is cute. I also got some cool mercury glass looking owl ornaments.I might have to get more of the ornaments, I really like them.

Work, is going to be tough for the next month or so, but I survived it last year, and will survive it again this year. Thems just the facts. It is how it works for us postal peeps. ;)
Medically, I know I am in amazing hands. I trust this doctor. He consistently goes above and beyond what you would expect from your doctor and provides an amazing level of service and care.
Emotionally, I am working towards a better state. Faith, Family, and Friends are all a big part of this. I am going to work towards a healthier mental me, by taking care of me, body, mind, and soul.

Food: Standard Breakfast, Taco Salad for lunch, Mexican Hot Cocoa (I have a cheat and it ends up being 9 carbs) and a twizzler (6 for a total of 15 for snack) And the least healthy dinner I have had in a while but probably still within my carb limits, String Cheese, popcorn and a coke zero, (pushing the 45 limit, I am chalking this one up as good for the soul) (I cannot eat like this daily, but it made me feel more normal than I have in a while)

If you think about me during your day, pray for me please. I surely know that I have got a big God and that even and perhaps especially when I feel out of control, he has got things covered. I just need an extra dose of peace right now.

I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

Read More: My Top Ten Favorite Quotes From ‘A Christmas Story’ | http://nj1015.com/my-top-ten-favorite-quotes-from-a-christmas-story/?trackback=tsmclip

I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

Read More: My Top Ten Favorite Quotes From ‘A Christmas Story’ | http://nj1015.com/my-top-ten-favorite-quotes-from-a-christmas-story/?trackback=tsmclip

I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

Read More: My Top Ten Favorite Quotes From ‘A Christmas Story’ | http://nj1015.com/my-top-ten-favorite-quotes-from-a-christmas-story/?trackback=tsmclip

Mundane.

Longish day, but not too bad at work. Delivered parcels, cased, did some pickups, helped another carrier scan his ginormous amount of pickups, did some casing and came home. Tomorrow I have a 6am start. :/ I will case for a bit, then go deliver parcels before my dr appt. If there is still an insane amount of mail around, I might be asked to come back after the doctor to case.

Ate:
Standard breakfast: PB on whole wheat and cup of tea (23 carbs)
Lunch: Chinese Chicken Salad, string cheese, guacamole and chips, water (28 carbs)
Snacks: popcorn, water(10 carbs)
Dinner: 2 hotdogs, whole wheat, mustard, ketchup, relish; ice cream bar, string cheese, water (29 carbs) definitely need more veggies, but I am out except for some carrots and some really sad looking lettuce, I also really want another ice cream, but even though I have enough allowed carbs left to have not only one, but 2 more ice creams, I will refrain.

If I don't go back to work after my appointment, I will hit the grocery store and make some soup.

A pretty good day.

Well, I am apparently a casing machine. I was told today that I case like someone on speed. This is a good thing. We got the route cased and everything delivered and were back before truck.

Tomorrow is another Amazon day. It is fun when it is just the subs around, so it should be a good day. I have made friends with one of the new subs. We have a good time when splitting a route. It helps that we both have hilariously inappropriate senses of humor. (Almost everyone at the Post Office does.)

I came home and made some broccoli and added shredded chicken and alfredo sauce to it. Super yummy. I need to work on more veggies. I am doing good at limiting my carbs, but need to get more veggies and water in. Those are two things for me to work on this week.

I haven't heard back from the doctor, but their online communication system is down, so I am thinking he never got my message. After a rough night last night with some searing pain in my ribs (no where near and not involving my heart) where I seriously contemplated a trip to the ER because I was in so much pain, I decided just to make an appointment. Not ideal, but I really need to get all this nonsense settled, I don't want it to interfere with work, and I simply want to feel good again.

I have a new stress relief activity to try, if it works I will share it here with you. I am exhausted, so I am heading to bed soon. Tomorrow I am either going to have egg salad or Chinese chicken salad for lunch, depending on when I get up and moving in the morning.

I also want to work on some wall art. I have two canvasses and some shadow boxes to work with, but need time to get organized.

Safety Hazard

Well, after night three of little to no sleep, I was going to call out from work, but A) I need the hours B) There is another new sub who I didn't want to completely screw with by leaving him hanging and C) I enjoy getting to talk to my friend who I don't get to see very much anymore, and Amazon days are the best days to have a conversation.

I told my boss about the lack of sleep, thinking that she might let me split a route. Instead it was decided that I was probably shouldn't be driving. So, I got some casing done. Which was really good. I left the case from my route beautiful for the regular carrier and got a head start on casing the stuff for the route I am splitting tomorrow.

I was also able to go to Costco with my friend and because her boyfriend is overseas she added me to her Costco account. I have a Costco card! I am so excited! Then we had fun wandering around trying samples (me avoiding anything obviously carb ridden, although I tried some cheese, lunchmeat and sausage, oh and some really yummy popcorn. I picked up a rotisserie chicken and some alfredo sauce which I plan on eating with some broccoli for dinner tonight. Then we had lunch at the snack bar. I had a piece of pizza and a hotdog, but didn't eat the bun or crust. It was fun hanging out with someone not at the post office, and was the first time I had tried eating out with someone since I have started this new way of eating. I don't mind eating weird by myself, but with an audience it is different. Thankfully, this is my friend that I am pretty blunt with. I have told her everything as it happens, (including the fact that the birth control pills made my PMS way more manageable) and she is super supportive. And she embraces my macabre sense of humor, which is definitely a coping mechanism.

After she went home, I headed over to Trader Joes. I picked up some artichokes, some cilantro salad dressing and some tea. I also got a yummy smelling cinnamon whisk to make my house smell pretty.

I headed home and have been doing laundry and cleaning up my house, with the complete intention to be in bed by 9 at the latest so I can get up by 5:30. Tomorrow, I am splitting a route that I have never done before with another RCA. I have managed to avoid Jury Duty for tomorrow, and the holiday means there are no trials happening Tuesday. I get to call again tomorrow night to find out if I report on Monday.

That is all for today. Hopefully, tomorrow goes smoothly.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I am pretty tired, since I did not get much sleep last night. Had a pretty bad panic attack and ended up awake most of the night. Had a few more panic attacks today too. :( Decided to go ahead and ask my doctor since I had to email him about something else, we shall see what he recommends whenever he gets a chance to respond to my email.

I did have a better day at work today. Still haven't finished the route on my own, but I did accomplish three of my goals which was not to roll any mail, not to be the last person out, and to not be the last person back in. I didn't bring back any parcels, but the person they sent out to help me did. :/ But I am slowly feeling more confident. The beginning part of the route is still taking me longer than I would like, but I WILL figure out why eventually. I am not dawdling, or doing anything crazy, or getting lost, but that part of the route takes the regular carrier maybe an hour and a half and it took me almost 2 hours today. The rest of the route moves pretty fast (unless there are a lot of parcels). But I still haven't had the opportunity to deliver to the end and I really need to see the end in daylight. It is dark out there and I have to pull up these long driveways to get to these banks of boxes, and in the dark I have no clue which driveways to pull in, so I either miss them or pull into ones I don't have to. :/

I picked up some stuff for lunches/dinners although the meal I purchased from the deli for dinner tonight was disgusting so I tossed it. I ended up having green beans and chicken cordon bleu. 16 carbs total and a 8 carb ice cream bar, so 24 all together. I think I am going to stock up on the cordon bleu and green beans, it took three whole minutes to cook and was really good. Won't eat it every night but good to have for when I am tired and don't want to do fast food.

I seriously am heading to bed now. Hopefully I can get some sleep, because tomorrow is Amazon day.

there was no escaping it

I did not manage to have today off of work, because when I went in to pick up my paycheck, my supervisor asked "What are your plans for today?" From this particular person, I knew he wouldn't be asking unless he wanted me to work. I cased some of the backed up mail for a coworker who has been out with a super sicky kid and who is coming back to work tomorrow, delivered a bunch of parcels that another RCA forgot to take out with him, and then cased a few feet of flats for the route I am doing tomorrow.

But before I did all of this, I took myself out to Soup'r Burger for some soup. I found out that they were having a Brothy Winter Vegetable Soup that included beets. I love beets, so I knew I wanted to get some of that deliciousness. I also had a salad because it sounded good. (I have no clue how many carbs there were, but all of them were from vegetables or the apple in my salad, so I am confident that I was within my limits.)

After work I faced some super gnarly traffic while trying to escape the island. I got some gas ($2.84 a gallon) and then hit up Taco Bell for 3 crunchy tacos and a diet Mt Dew Baja Blast. 36 carbs. I am super excited that the Baja Blast comes in diet. It is my favorite soda, and such a pretty blue color.

I am contemplating starting a diabetes diet related blog. But I don't know if I have the time or resources to do an additional blog.

Right now, this blog is basically a decompressing activity to help me deal with stress and whatnot, but I also want to try cooking new diabetes friendly foods and posting the results.

I have a headache, but am not supposed to take tylenol anymore so if I don't have anything else to take I might have to sleep through it.

ramblings from my day

If all goes well, I will have had two days in a row off of work by the time I go back Saturday, although I told my supervisor that I will happily come in tomorrow to do some PM casing if it looks like Saturday is going to be heavy. Ordinarily, I would not like this fact, but to be honest, being able to get stuff done is a major win. I am scheduled to work Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday of next week, and if there is an extra truck might be brought in the other days. I really hope there is an extra truck.

I saw the eye doctor today. While the news wasn't fabulous, she is also hopeful that my lifestyle changes and the taking of the meds will help stop the nonsense.

I have a few micro-aneurysms in my eyes, likely because of the blood sugar issues, possibly the high blood pressure, in all actuality it is probably a combination of both. This, if left unchecked would lead to eventual blindness. So, I have yet another reason to get my rear in gear. Sadly, it is also proof that I am, in fact diabetic. (point to sister that said "if you think you are, you probably are") I have honestly thought so for a while, but like to live in denial. Treatment plan is the same as before until further testing in a few months. I am, however waiting to hear back from my doctor (this poor man must be sick of me at this point) about a few things.

While trying to wait for my eyes to be less photo-sensitive I decided to wander around Target, I needed some groceries and knew they'd have their Christmas stuff up, and it would be fun to look. Except I couldn't see anything clearly. I had to ask someone to read me a price tag at one point, although by the time I was halfway through the store I discovered that I could read if I took off my glasses and I could only see distances with them on. So I may have looked crazy, but oh well. I love some of the stuff they have, including some really cute owl wrapping paper, but since I already bought my wrapping paper for the year, I don't know if I will be able to justify a purchase. I did find a better whole wheat bread for my breakfast. It has fewer carbs and more fiber than the bread I was eating, hopefully it tastes okay. I also looked at some luna bar type stuff to have with me for when work goes way longer than is ideal, but found out that not only are my favorite granola bars tastier and cheaper, but better for me to eat, having more protein and less carbs. Total Win. Not a win? The cost of apples! I live in Washington freaking state and apples are expensive! It feels like paying $3 for an avocado in California.

I also have done some pre-research on fast food options. Going into the crazy busy holiday season, I know there will be nights I won't want to cook, so I want to know what my best options are fast food wise. I am going to make a list of the stats for the five closest fast food places to my house and commuting route.

I really hope to be able to make it to a church service this week. There is one at 5pm on Sundays that I might be able to make it to, if not this week then next hopefully. I'd like to find a weeknight Bible study, but so far haven't had any luck.

I got all of my Halloween decorations taken down, and am fighting the urge to jump to Christmas. But for now, my fall colored tablecloth, mini-pumpkin and owl salt and pepper shakers are out for Thanksgiving. I also scored some cute woodland creatures kitchen towels to hang on my oven door. 94 cents!