short post

I went to the Forum for Diversity in Graduate Education today. It was really interesting. I will definitely post about it tomorrow. But now I am exhauste and need to go to sleep. Yes, I realize it is early, but I got up at 5:30 after going to bed around 2 ish.

Hooray! It is Friday!

Tomorrow I am going to the Graduate Diversity something or other at UCI. I am very excited about it!

I am going to make a cute mini resume/business card to hand out to recruiters.

I just put this up so I would have a post for today, but I have lots to do. So I am gonna go do it...


Edit:

Shanna Made me a really cute resume card thingy....now we just need to get it to print!

Blunt Honesty

So, just in case I don't get home until really late...

I have totally failed at the cleaning concept although I did a little in my room this morning. I still haven't found my Daniel book. I fail at that too.

_Spoiler Warning for Enchanted Below_


In case you haven't seen it...


I did however have a new revelation about Captivating, which makes me like it more, and as usual God speaks to me in His time, not my own. And he uses pop culture to speak to me a lot. I was watching everyone's fav movie Enchanted this morning with Stacee Lianna, and I was watching the scene where Giselle gets mad at Robert, and it is also the scene where she realizes (even if she doesn't acknowledge) that she loves Robert, it is only after she allows herself to acknowledge her anger that she comes to a full revelation of her love for him. Well, if I hadn't read Captivating I would never ever be able to look at a movie romance and be able to apply that to God, but low and behold, I did read it and here I am. I, for years, have struggled with God loving me, and that got all figured out before, but I also struggled with "do I love God" (Before I get stones hurled at my head let me explain) God, the most powerful being in existence, could have done so many things differently in my life. He could've healed my mom, He could've made me miraculously skinnier and cooler so I didn't have to endure the torture of my younger years, he could've fixed my problems with my dad. But He didn't. And for years, I have struggled with loving someone who could watch me go through such pain and not do anything about it.

It has taken me watching the trials of someone who I love who has endured far greater pain than I and watching her respond with honesty and grace, that I am slowly understanding that while God was watching me in pain, it wasn't out of anger or meanness, but out of love. My friend Alexis recently wrote on her blog:

"I see Him as his tears roll down His face looking at my heartbreak. Knowing His plan will hurt me in places I didn't even know hurt could dwell... What must it be to know you are doing what needs to be done, but know it will break the heart of your very child. Not to break the heart in discipline but to allow it to break for the furthering of a plan they might never see fully."

She goes on to say:

"I wonder if I seem foolish to some, to turn my hurt and heartbreak over to the very one who allowed it in the first place? But where else would I ever find comfort? I can find no comfort but from He who has walked this road... God himself had to deny His own hearts cry and allow for the ultimate pain of watching His only son, not just die, but be beaten and abused by the very people He was laying His life down for."

I don't even know how to express my own thoughts about this, but I find that Alexis did it with such profundity, that I choose to quote her.

I have no earthly right to be angry with God, but it is through acknowledging that I am angry and releasing it that true healing can be found.

I do love God and I know that what has happened in my life has served and will continue to serve a purpose, but boy do I wish that these things didn't have to be so painful...

Wednesday Wonderings

So, I had another wierd dream last night. This one didn't involve grandma or the house though. It was just plain wierd and so vivid I think I woke up screaming. It was kinda scary too.

Today was one of those, is this really happening kind of days. I have felt like I was in a surrealist painting all day. Nothing has been that weird either, it has just been a kind of mood.

I went to work today, and that was short but good. I am in one of those phases where once I get to work I am okay, but I really don't want to go in the first place. I need to decide whether or not I am going to apply for the assistant position, it is full time and salaried, but I really am not sure if I want to do this right now. It makes perfect sense on a fiscal level, but life isn't all about the money.

I miss school.

I went to church tonight, and it was pretty good.

I hope to have some exciting news to share in a day or two that is really exciting.

I <3 Pre-service prayer.

I need to find my Daniel book so I can do my homework tomorrow.

I need to sleep because I am soooo tired.

Contemplations

Today I woke up with a relly bad migraine, I don't get them often, and when I do they aren't usually this bad. But I had the whole shebang. So I started my day off in pain. And to top it all off I have been on the verge of tears for a majority of the day.

I think it might be just a reflecton of life stress right now. Lately I have been having dreams about grandma still being alive. These don't bother me too much because I remember having them after mom died too. But its still sad to wake up and realize that she's gone. I have also been having strange dreams about the house and how I keep looking for something in the backyard. Last night the "new owner" came out of the back door and asked me to take my mail. It was a really vivid dream. It kinda weirded me out.

If we combine all the weird dreams with the horrible leg cramps I tend to get, I haven't been getting much sleep. Maybe that is why I have been super emotional lately.

I have been thinking about the things spoken at church on Sunday. I can't remember if it was morning or evening. But there were two things that stick out in my mind. And one was the challenge that somebody mentioned to go sit in a park or somewhere with people and to ask God to let you see the people you see through his eyes. I think this is an interesting idea, and may do this sometime soon, at the same time, I don't know if I am prepared to that. If God fully answered my prayer, it may rock my world more than I want it to, and I am afraid of the implications of that.

The other thing that was spoken about was on Sunday night. I know it was and while I will be open with the topic, I don't know how transparent I want to be on cyberspace. The man (with the sax) shared on Sunday night in lieu of our usual Bible Study, and I know that some of the things he shared were for me. One thing he shared was about how he had a church board that he worked with that basically stabbed him in the back, and another that showed him great kindness and mercy, and he had to forgive the first board becaus ethat is what God wanted him to do. And it was all kinda complicated, but it hit home. I don't have a church board to forgive, or to ask forgiveness of, and I am not even sure of how to go about doing what I need to do or if it is possible, but I know that it will be a barrier in my Christian Walk until I come to some sort of decision.


I know that I love Jesus, and I need to do what He commands of me, and I want to do things that will make him proud, BUT I need his help to do them.

Monday Mania

I am already ready for Spring Break to be over. I don't know exactly what I am going to do over the summer, but I have to do something to fill my hours.

It isn't even that I had a bad day. It was really good actually. I made Sarah's yummy dill dip and ate a lot of it. I watched Criminal Minds with Stacee for a while. I organied my bathroom turpperware that Jason and Collette got me. I don't know, I just really like school.

Tomorrow I am going to clean out my car and my room and go to work at 4ish.

And on Wed. I have work and then I get to go to church so that will fill many hours.

On Thursday I might get to go to school for a while to hang up posters for the Tournee French Film Festival being co-sponsored by the History Dept. That'll be fun.

Friday I will work most of the day, and then on Saturday I have my all day at UCI graduate fair thingy to go to. I am really excited but at the same time super nervous about that. I can't believe I am actually going to be in grad school in a little more than a year. That's crazy!

Sunday is always a good day with church and so forth and then on Monday I get to go back to school. Yay!

Lyrics man....

It is a good day to post some lyrics...

Do or Die by Dogwood

I killed the Son of God today.
I built the cross where He was slain.
My sins,
The hands that held the hammer that drove the nails through His skin.
Someday I win.
I want to make it up.
I want to die to myself for You.
It makes me fall apart,
When I think of all that You went through.
I owe my all to You. (I owe my all to You)

Chorus:
Because when it came to do or die.
You died for me,
Though I would be nothing perfect,
For human eyes to see.

My hands are Yours for works.
My eyes will seek until I've found You.
My legs will walk the earth,
Until You tell me my work is through.
I want to make it up,
I want to die to myself for You,
You are the one that I love,
I owe my all to you. (I owe my all to you)

(chorus)

I met the Son of God today,
He said "I forgive you for My pain",
He took my sin that held the hammer that drove the nails through His skin,
He said I win.

(chorus)

I'm a new creation through You,
Created for You by You.
So make me worth Your while,
Put me to use.




Stacey: I <3 Jesus!