New Year's Eve

I have never been so excited to see a year end and a new one begin. 2014 wasn't all bad, but I am so ready to see it end and another year begin. I can only hope and pray for many new adventures and beginnings in the coming year. I hope for health, joy, peace, love and happiness both for myself and the others in my life.

I carried another route today, and would've finished it by myself before dark. But there was another carrier who got done super early so he came and took about twenty minutes off of me. I was given a few tasty gifts that I foolishly left in the fridge at work, but I will stop by and pick them up on Friday after my doctor appointment. One coworker brought me some homemade tamales and another brought me some homemade ice cream. Yummy!

I had Physical Therapy today. I am progressing well, it is mostly my poor rotator cuff and neck at this point. I have some new exercises to do, and was given a stretchy red band to use to strengthen my shoulder and back muscles. She hooked me up to an electrical current machine. It felt weird and made me twitchy but is apparently supposed to stimulate healing by shooting electrical current to the affected area. I am also supposed to ice my shoulder for ten minutes a few times a day.

I went to Wendys for dinner after work with my homie. He asked me if eating there was going to kill me which made me LOL. I then continued the laughter, when I was telling my other friend that we went there and she asked me what I ate and if I needed to be scolded. For the record I had a cheeseburger and a salad. I was under my carb limit and I highly doubt I will either die or need a lecture. Although I do need a giant sign reminding me to never get the ranch at Wendys. Yech!

After dinner I headed to the store and grabbed some low carb yummies for my new years hibernation. They had buffalo wings on sale so I grabbed a half dozen, and I got stuff to make dill dip and some stuff for a cheese tray. I contemplated grabbing some light margarita stuff, but as a rule, don't drink alone, and am still wondering if I should be drinking with all the pills I am taking.

Am trying not to let my depression turn me into a hermit crab, but am still trying to figure out the balance between normal Stacey reclusiveness and when it is extra because of my mood. I do know I have been sleeping too much, and that isn't a good thing, but it is better than eating my feelings, which just won't work any more. Am going to try to go for a walk tomorrow, it should be another beautiful day, although it is still supposed to be frigid. If I can convince myself to brave the cold I should have great views while on my walk. I also am going to try some new nail polishes I got on clearance and do my nails tomorrow. I love glitter and it might be fun to do.

today...today

I managed to avoid being called into work today. I realize that declaring this so early in the morning is tempting the postal gods, but I also know that as of about a half hour ago, all was well in postal land.

I am going to work on getting my house cleaned.
I am going to run into Silverdale to return some clothes my aunt got me for Christmas, they are cute, but too big. Maybe they'll have the same clothes in a smaller size.
I am going to hit up Target while in Silverdale to see if there are any biscotti left. These will be for the workplace stash, not so much for me to eat one just because I have enough available carbs with my meal hahaha (or in the shower for breakfast, which I may have done the other day *ahem* go ahead, judge me, I already am.
Since my next paycheck is big enough for me to pay my medical bills and save a huge chunk of next months rent, I may head into town to see a movie (still haven't seen The Hobbit :/), if I get enough house cleaning done.

I have found that my chips and dip meals have been helping with my nacho cravings although they really aren't the same. But my tostitos end up being 18 carbs and then there are 15 or so carbs in the dip. And although using food as a reward is usually an awful idea. When I lose 1.3 more lbs I am going into Bremerton for a Bean and Cheese Burrito from Juanitos. 1.3! Anyone who was with me for the last great food reward (the hooray I don't weigh 300 lbs anymore Cheese-on-a-stick) has some clue of just how motivated getting to eat something I should not eat frequently but adore motivates me. On that note, I have not been able to locate a cheese on a stick source up here. And yes, I have a craving. I really don't want standard mall food to be something I have to source next time I am in California, but if I cant find one up here soon, it may have to go on the list, right below El Pollo Inka and Empanadas, and pizza, and... and... and.... *sighs* I miss my friends, of course, AND there is good food up here, but a large part of my homesickness is the familiar foods...

My mental state is fragile but intact today. I know getting a large quantity of sleep helped. Am hoping that getting my environment cleared will help some more. Am probably taking down my Christmas decor today. I never really turned on the tree this year, and am not a hundred percent sure why I bothered decorating just for myself, but I do like Christmas (still my favorite holiday, even though I work where I do) So I think it is okay for me to have put up the tree and lights and such, even if it was just for myself. I have a hard time convincing myself I am worth the effort of things, but really, I am working on that.

sharkie toes and tostitos

Yum. Chips and dip for dinner and a triple chocolate biscotti for dessert. It isn't taco bell and didn't cost me any extra money. It is also using up some of the tortilla chips that I have had so long that I am amazed they aren't stale yet.

After work, I came home and seriously crashed. I was in bed and asleep within five minutes. Later, I got a call from my boss asking me about a parcel (I didn't have it and it was located while I was on the phone) and I was still so out of it that I thought it was the next morning.

After the phone call, I went back to sleep and just got up about an hour ago. It is cold in my house so I threw on my shark footie pajamas and my new fuzzy bathrobe. I grabbed dinner stuff and turned on Criminal Minds. I will probably head back to bed soon, but I know I shouldn't let myself sleep so much, so I might try to stay up a little later.

Some of the things I have been dealing with lately appear to be coming to a head. I don't know if it is going to be a good thing or not, but resolution will probably contribute to the healing of my psyche in the long run. I am hoping for the best possible outcome though.

I meant what I said a few days ago about needless drama. I am not dealing with it or playing anyone's mind games. There are very few people in my world whose opinion of me matters, and I am done trying to make everyone happy.

Tomorrow I am hopefully off of work (although, yes I could use the money) but I do have some stuff I need to get done. Wednesday I am looking forward to my PT appointment. As nervous as I was for the first one, I have to admit I do feel better. And am hoping that another appointment will help some more.

And as soon as this episode of Criminal Minds is over I am heading back to bed.

Yesterday

I actually do have reasons for blogging everything, especially my mental state right now (hint, it involves having to recall details later) And since I wasn't in any shape to blog last night, AND I have a 10 am start today (praise Jesus!) I will blog yesterday now.

Work: Amazon Day! Much better than the past few weeks have been, way fewer parcels and was done before 2pm! Hooray! Morning started out a little rough. I had only a couple of hours sleep the night before (major legs cramps and insomnia issues... which slightly concerns me) and as many who know me well know, if I am tired I get super emotional. Combine my tiredness with my general state of mind and lets just say I cried all morning. My work homie kept trying to make me laugh, and I totally appreciated the effort. Hilariously, it wasn't until he stopped being ridiculous and tried to make sure I was actually okay and was serious, that we got me to lighten up. Quote of the morning Him: "....keep your head up" Me: "I had better or I'll end up in another ditch."  I've embraced that he isn't going to let me live that down for a while, and it is okay, we'll run with it.

Social: I went out after work to this place in Port Orchard that I was promised had the best bacon and blue cheese burgers around. While I can not bestow the title of best in the country, I will say that it was one of the best I have had in Washington. The best I have ever had was from Lazy Dog Cafe. I still miss the burgers and their amazing edamame. I get nervous eating food (because of the dietary needs) around people I don't know well and since people had brought their significant others and such with them I didn't know how it was going to go down. But I did really good. I ate the blue cheese burger without the bun and a salad, and had a rum and diet. We shared a basket of pepperjack cheese sticks at the table and that was the only non vegetative or dairy source of carbs I had. I think it helped that I ended up at a table with my homie and his girlfriend, and while I got teased (Hey, did you know your burger looks like a salad?) I know the actual judging was not there.
 We ended up there during a Seahawks game (this happens when multiple attempts to go out keep getting postponed due to Christmas rush) and there was a very excited dude who kept yelling. And this large group of people kept doing Seahawks chants. I was entertained. I love people watching. I am slowly picking up on football rules and so forth, although my friend who I spent Thanksgiving with her and her mom is supposed to teach me football so I can watch games and not be as confused. My friend (that makes the cute stuff) was supposed to come too, but she had to cancel at the last minute. I ended up wandering back and forth between the tables visiting with various people because I wasn't actually watching the game. I had a good time and am glad I went. (it was a good time in the storm for me) I was offered an out of the social obligations by one of my friends after they witnessed my morning melt down, but I said it would probably be better for me to go out than just sit at home.

Medical: On the way home I started really feeling like crap. The pain like when I had my kidney stone but instead of wrapping around the front of my ribs, it wrapped around my back. I am wondering if I should be avoiding alcohol for a while. That was my first drink since starting all of my meds. I also think, because of the leg cramps and some other symptoms that I was fighting off some dehydration. I have been pretty good about making sure I drink enough since the kidney stone, but I am going to am up the consumption of liquids for a few days. I really hope this can calm itself at least until my insurance starts up again, if not permanently.

The physical therapy has been helping a lot. It is now mostly my left shoulder and neck that hurt instead of the whole back and up to my head. I am hoping we can get me cleared up quickly because I need to be able to function at 100%.

While my schedule for today has changed slightly (going to carry a third of a route from someone) I am okay with this because I have stuff I need to get done. I did go to bed before 7 last night and other than a trip to the bathroom and a couple of smaller leg cramps I got a fair amount of sleep, so hopefully today goes well. I made myself a BLAT for breakfast (because both my lettuce and avocado were on the verge of inedibility) And have my last container of Christmas leftovers (lasagna and meatballs for lunch) Tomorrow I want to catalog the contents of my freezer and make a grocery list so I can start cooking meals here. I know I have a skirt steak that my new George Foreman grill is dying to cook. mmmmmm And I should have everything I need for tacos (minus lettuce) Can we tell that I really like tacos? I have decided that when I hit my goal weight (hopefully sometime this week or next) I am driving into Bremerton and getting a bean and cheese burrito from my favorite place. They are super carb heavy so I can't enjoy them as often any more, but if I exercise after, I should be okay. I am cleared to have the occasional flour tortilla and beans are fibrous. There are some perks to having your blood sugar mostly under control (my blood sugar is almost always within the range my doc is looking for and is always under 165) (being told that the occasional flour tortilla is okay is one of them)

Anyhow time to get ready and head into work. May today have more breaks in the storm.

Amongst the Storm

Today was another rough one. But to be honest, I don't anticipate them getting better for a while. Things are a lot rougher than I am comfortable sharing with the internet right now, and I haven't even really shared how bad it is with my friends or family. I am working towards better, but it is going to be rough for a while. I hope that I can have good days or even just good hours or minutes amongst the storm.

I started my morning by casing for a while and then I was sent to run the parcels for the route I was doing. While I was running the parcels I was also doing "the ugly cry" and at one point I was delivering a package next door to someone I know and my biggest fear was that someone would see me. It would be bad enough to have anyone encounter me in that state, but infinitely worse if you know that person.

I was able to deliver all of the mail I took out with me (my boss had someone take a couple of trays off of me to help with the shoulder/back pain) and be back well in time before dark. I could have delivered all of the mail and made it back, which was my goal.

I almost got to go out with my friend tonight, but she was informed by her family that she was expected for dinner. I am still hoping to go out tomorrow but it is going to depend on how busy we are. I really need the distraction though, so I hope it works out that I can go.

My week looks like this so far:
Sunday: Amazon Day and hopefully out with friends in the evening.
Monday: Splitting a new route with my homie. Hopefully it won't be too ugly of a day.
Tuesday: Not scheduled at the moment (but you all know that could change at any minute)
Wednesday- Scheduled to cover a route, but someone else is going to case it while I go to PT
Thursday: New Year's Day Activities unknown.
Friday: No work. Follow Up Dr Appt in the AM and Therapy in the PM. Both much needed at this point. Probably more the therapy than the doctor's appointment considering my current mental state. If I haven't seen The Hobbit by Friday, I will have to go after therapy.

With all of the issues I am facing right now, I really don't feel like dealing with anyone's petty BS. I just can't do it, so at this point if you aren't a family member or a very close friend and you try to start drama in my life I will cut you off faster than you can blink. If you are a family member or close friend and you try to start drama in my life, I will probably tell you off with some brutal honesty. Fair warning.

Lately a couple of friends have been absolutely my life line. When I am not dealing well, they send me something sarcastic to make me laugh, or something sweet and comforting. I am incredibly grateful for them. More than they will possibly ever know.

My heart, soul, body, and mind is bruised beyond all reason. I need sleep and some self care time. Not like cut my nails and whatnot self care, but time to take care of some of my inner issues, reflect, and do some relaxing, although I could really use both a pedicure and a haircut as well.

There are some people I have to deal with in my life that I would rather never have to deal with, but sometimes you just have to play nicely with the rabid monkeys. Even when you would rather lock them all up in a cage and let them do each other in. *sighs* I know this is rambling and not all that coherent, but it is definitely a reflection of my inner state.

bleurgh

Today was eh. It started out okay, but then I got the phone call I had been anticipating, my day off became a day to report to work.

I love working/need the money, but having another day off would have been lovely. I did a route I have never done before, and got almost half way done before I had to quit due to darkness. I am doing the same route tomorrow, and hopefully I can get through the whole thing. I also have a stupid early reporting time tomorrow. But there's a coverage I need to finish casing in.

I have stuff I need to get done and am just in a blechy mood. Could totally use a day to myself. Sunday I am working. Monday I am splitting another new route with my friend. I don't know what is happening on Tuesday. I have PT on Wednesday. I am carrying a route on Thursday. And I have both a follow up appointment with my doctor about my accident and Therapy on Friday and I am supposed to work, but I may have to work something out, because the timing is sketchy on that front.

I could also honestly use a margarita and a plate of nachos, but there are plans to go out on Sunday after work and I need to save my discretionary drinking credits for that hahaha.

I am going to bed because being awake sucks right now. If I am asleep I don't have to think about stuff.

Christmas 2014

Today has been pretty good/okay. I am dealing with some of my emotional issues (but, I AM dealing, not feeling overwhelmed)

I woke up, tested my blood sugar (4pts higher than ideal, but not bad) Made breakfast (ham and eggs with cheese, avocado and tomato (red and green for Christmas)) Opened any presents I hadn't opened yet. Turned on the yule log station, did my PT exercises, talked to a friend on facetime, talked to my aunt, watched some Merry Shark Day on Discovery channel and took a nap.

After my nap, I made my grandmother's meatballs, prepped some sloppy joe mix which I am going to use to make some freezer sammiches for easy meals. I am about to throw laundry in the laundry room if there's a machine open, going to transfer the meatballs from the oven to the crock pot, do a load of dishes, make the freezer sammiches, and get some cleaning done. Merry Shark Day is of course, still on.

A friend was asking me why I went with a themed tree this year (instead of my usual use the ornaments I have collected over the years method I usually do), and I explained that I wasn't feeling up to looking through the ornaments from years past and reliving happy memories in the midst of my current mental state. I told her it was self preservation. This might also be why I have avoided watching any Christmas Movies this year. I haven't even watched A Christmas Story, although I am debating watching it later. It is my favorite.

I was incredibly blessed by the generosity of so many people this year. My favorite gifts are my new black sweater from my aunt, My snowman snowcone ornament from my friend, and the holly teacup from my customer.

I am off to get some more stuff done this evening, I hope everyone has had an amazing day.