rough day

This one might be deep, so I'll get the food recap out of the way first.

Breakfast: Cheese Quesadilla and "pie" (33 carbs)
Snacks: Apple, beef jerky, coffee w/ yummy creamer and a clementine (through several hours) (15/9/7/9) roughly
Lunch: Chicken and pudding, baby carrots (20 carbs)
Dinner: Spinach Dip and Tortilla chips, truffle (40 carbs) I was a little high on snacks, but super lite on lunch and my afternoon blood sugar reading was still pretty good, in spite of the extra carbs and the stress/emotions of the day which can lead to spikes in your sugar readings. And yes, dinner should have more protein but it's late and I am tired, so not stressing it.

Today was rough. Not just in the I had an incredibly long day at work way, but in the uncontrollable crying not sure why emotional kind of way too.

It WAS an incredibly long day at work, on top of another long day and preceding what is very likely to be yet another very long day. Can it be January yet? (note: I love the money and the hours, but I am so ready for Christmas to be over. I need to find a different career just so I can enjoy my favorite holiday again. *sighs*)

It was a frustrating day too, I had to take out two truckfuls of parcels, seriously packed full floor to ceiling, and I was delivering in places where I had no clue where I was, or where I was going.

On top of both of these things, I am in the midst of a very real battle with my depression. I'm hyper emotional and definitely sad for a myriad of reasons, none of which I can pinpoint as the exact cause of my angst. In the midst of my frustrating day I found myself driving down Crystal Springs sobbing my heart out in some semblance of prayer, an activity which I have admittedly lost my former familiarity with (all while trying to find addresses, mind you). I am great with praying for other people when they need it, but the simple act of pouring out my heart has become a dim memory as of late. This is something for me to work on, agreeably.

I hate admit to it, but on some level, I am very glad for the antidepressant. I hate having to take it, but admittedly I am slightly afraid of how much more extreme I would be feeling without it. I don't feel super different or weird because of it, but I can tell it is working, if for no other reason than that I have been able to control my panic attacks better and little things that would cause me to spiral downward aren't quite as dire. In the same vein, I am thankful for the therapy. I only have four more sessions before I have to decide if I think it is working well enough to finance it myself. In an ideal world, I would be "all better" in a month's time, but I know I am working through some crazy issues and it might take longer than that. I have already made my 2015 resolution and it is basically a continuation of the last month or so's changes. I'm going to be working toward a healthier me. Body, mind, and soul. If that means I need to pay for therapy, then that is what I am going to do. 

Five Iron Frenzy's latest album has really been speaking to me lately. Some lyrics that resonate are:

To only end the heartache
to shed this mortal coil
Face pressed to the earth
I’m frozen to the soil
My only thought with my last breath
To suffer slings and arrows
adrift and lost it seems
or take flight with the sparrows
the ghost that haunts our dreams?
Drained of all resolve
my spirit pours from me
The fire’s growing cold
please do not forget me
One lost night against a sea of troubles
I could not hear You through the thunder’s peal
My only hope is that You cannot, not be real
My only thought- pray for me now
My only thought- with my last breath

and

It was a dark and stormy night last night bitter dark
Rain fell in torrents
stabbing its ghosts through the cold
and straight through our hearts
I’ve been waiting in halfhearted sleep
For a promise I half meant to keep
Just for hoping that hope still flies
Wipe the sleep out of our sleeping eyes
Fog that is lifting the specter of dreams we once had
speaks into the night
Slumber is over
sunlight is streaming through
come into the light
I know
Hope has not forgotten me
I know
I’m waking from the longest dream 

and

I’ve seen the Sun come down
I’ve felt its fire burn
And in the dark of night
I hold to its return
I know it’s growing cold
And there’s a lot to learn
I’ve seen the Sun come down
I hold to its return

I really do think that this album is their best yet, I know I will be rocking it on repeat for a while.

I am so beyond beat. I am totally heading to bed now because I just can't handle anything more today.